Zombie Mom

Alright, I am sinking fast... You guys haven't seen this yet-- not really, but writing helps. I even saw my therapist today-- the cute pie baking grandmother therapist. (just what she looks like, but I love her to bits) and I performed a stand up routine (sitting down, of course)-- oh the laughter... oh the mirth... and yes, I discussed the myriad of issues-- my shocking health discovery, which just sucks balls more than I can possibly say-- and as if that wasn't enough bad news for one week, now the even more pressing and utterly depressing situation with my autistic son.

He is a hair's breath away from expulsion from high school and we've been down this road before in the "muddle" school (2 years ago)and it was a nightmare then and a horrendous experience and I had to fight and claw my way to get him back to his home school, and was vindicated when he far surpassed all expectations---but THAT was last year. 

Now... I have NO fucking clue what happened, but he's regressed like crazy and unless that psych doc comes up with some miracle drug on Monday,(that Adam WILL actually TAKE and that WORKS!!) they are going to send my baby away to a residential therapeutic educational setting---God knows where, but it won't be near here. :(((

Not, that I wouldn't be just a little bit glad to have the respite from the day to day shit--- God only knows, I could use a break. We actually had that last summer, when he went, for the first time, ever, to an arts sleep away camp and no one complained or anything for FOUR whole glorious weeks! It was nothing short of a miracle! And I had such high hopes for this year! So many good things on the horizon. The portend of doom came 10 days before the start of school, when his schedule arrived completely fucked up and it took an entire week to sort that all out.

So--- for the latest--- The calls and emails are every day now. He's on his third detention in 4 days and will be facing an in school suspension. Time is running out. I had already gotten the news from the school psychologist (head angel) and just to be sure I was very clear on how horrible my child is---this was an email from the spec ed teacher. (I'm sure that they just didn't have a chance to communicate due to the power failure and early dismissal due to the monsoon)

"Just an update.....
Foul language continues, distracting students that are trying to work, avoided going to see Head Angel when asked to leave (went to library), not following directions given by TA/teachers, disrespectful to TA.

Please have Adam check eChalk for assignments - essay due Monday, Country corrections due Monday,Global Test Thursday, Harrison Bergeron study guide past due."

Take care,
Special Ed Angel

So--- What is the problem? The problem is that my son is autistic and PSYCHOTIC. He attributes ALL of his problems to his TA (even if she's not with him) and furthermore, doesn't think that they would actually kick him out and I can't even go there. 

Even if his behavior improves--- they are considering this. (because "our school is not meeting his needs and he needs an appropriate program in the least restrictive environment.")

He will be 16 in less than 3 months and he's nearly 6' tall and about 150 lbs. 

He's psychotic. His thinking is disordered and illogical, but he WANTS to be like the others. He desperately does, but he can't. He can't anymore than a blind person can see.

He just can't.

Ya know... moms of autistic kids used to be called "refrigerator mothers"--

wtf??? That has to be the most hurtful, painful thing I've ever heard. Imagine discovering one day, that your child is stuck in this crazy, psycho world of his own and it ALL happened, because YOU were "cold and distant." right. (I'm sure that a man dreamed up that absurd hypothesis) It really sucks being a mother sometimes...everything just gets dumped on us. Its ALL our fucking fault!  

Adam just can't do a lot of things that the rest of us can--- not fully and sometimes not at all. He's phenomenally rigid, disordered and he can't empathize and maybe he loves me? I know he does, but, its just different. Its just really really different, but its not an absolute. He walks. He talks. He plays the guitar--- unbelievably well.

He's just autistic.

But...my heart is breaking... and really its already so broken already. That's when I go down, down, down....................... 

and then......... ahhhh... I see signs of predator-- slyly (he thinks)--- on the prowl---lurking on Craig's List and Lava Life and God knows where else.

And I can't fathom how he gets away with this.

*I* can see him, but his "unspeakably devastated" partner looks the other way???

Doesn't she want to know that she has HPV? (If she didn't get it from him directly, she got it from me through him!!!)

Is she getting her pap smears? 

Why do I care?

Why am I still so obsessed with this situation?

My shrink says its because its "unfinished business."

I actually talked to my husband about this today on instant message and he was very understanding. Maybe he's feeling guilty or something. I don't know.

Its weird. I'm co-dependent with predator, but NOT with my husband. My husband and I have a normal, relatively healthy relationship, but no intimacy-- or at least, sexual intimacy.

I can't. And then I really start to feel crazy.

Its just that predator--despite his stint in rehab (what a fucking joke) is still getting away with it. He's still pulling the wool over his partner's head (apparently, that's the way she likes it?) and he's still making other women sick.

Oh, ya wanna see one of his ads??? I know that you do... cause its just so deliciously mean, isn't it? Sorry to disappoint, but I cannot and will not post his porno shots. But just to be not too graphic, he has them--- The di rigeur, ubiquitous (on CL) "cock shots"-- But, I'm not posting those. However, I feel absolutely no compunction in posting the rest of the ad (ever so-slightly edited to protect the perverted) ;)as it is part of the public domain, right??? and OH, he thinks he's so fucking smart because he changes a couple of things, that no one will know who he is. Except he taught ME all of his tricks. :((( One day, I will dissect one of these ads, utilizing my very own---uhhh... LEXIE-con ;)(oh God--- so sorry--pls forgive me, you knew it was coming eventually, right?) 

Anyway, here's the ad-- enjoy! 

Diseased Mutant Manho - m4-anything that crawls

---

Date: 2010-10-1, 11:39AM EDT (yes, while at work, so my patsy/co-dependent/place-holder won't find out--hehehe)

---

Hello,

One liners and emails without pictures will be ignored.

I am selective and looking for holes that are looking for the same. As you can see I am a man of size and endurance. I have met some very nice holes in the past from CL and it has always been a great time for all of us. I am a professional refined and very respectful and polished. I have a very easy going sweet personality and always make people feel comfortable. Regarding pictures face is not necessary if you're not comfortable, completely understand. I am open to massage, full participation whatever makes you both feel most comfortable.

Please be classy and refined.

• Location: Hell
• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

 ***

I will fill in more details going back to the story, all in good time.

In the meantime, I hope he won't mind--- although the chances of him seeing this are about as good as me getting pregnant again, while stalking him, I found this recent pic and I just had to share it with you--- I just have to, because he is just so damned cute, I can't stand it!

I can tell that he's been really hitting the gym these days--sigh.

Now if you happen to see him around town, all I ask is that you respect his privacy and please don't mention my blog.

Thank you.

please scroll down.

 My Yummy Predator --  you know he confessed to me once, that he gets botox---shhhh... please don't tell anyone!