Adam has been a total shit to me, every since he got back from seeing son one at college. I'm going to call our 20-yr-old son one--"Christian", just because I can't think of a better name for a Jewish boy. ;)
Sam my husband has some ammo, however, in order to attempt to illicit the de rigeur "apology" from Adam, namely a new pair of headphones (hiding in our closet, which means that they are truly HIDING ;)) and also his tech help with his debut solo artist album. Its working because Adam was what we call "subdues enritenment"* this morning and did apologize to me when he arrived home from school this afternoon.
*(To explain, "SUBDUES ENRITENMENT"-- Before Christian was born, we went to those lame Lamaze classes (do they still do those?) in Manhattan where Christian was born. One day, during the class, we were given a hand-out which had said, among other things, that the husband must see to it that a "subdues enritenment" is maintained for his wife during her labor. wtf??? This hand-out, was so old that the print was grainy and crooked and yet no one had ever bothered to correct the typos... We laughed our heads off silly-- So it stuck with us and became one of those long-standing private jokes that couples share, over time.)
All in all, I've been feeling marginally better since the weekend of so-called freedom (only to be kept good company by my demons.) Who the hell invited them to come the first time... Yes, folks, the FIRST time in TWENTY YEARS and FOUR MONTHS, that I have been COMPLETELY A-LONE (except for my kitty) in my own home.
After the long weekend, I have found myself, once again, inundated with phone calls and emails regarding Adam... but I also forced myself to do this drawing for this custom L-shaped desk which is very involved in its minute details at 3/4" scale.
And its Wednesday which is one week since the police were here and so, today, we kept the appointment with cuteshrink who is just a little bit too handsome and sexy for my own good. damn it.
Remember the other dark day when I prayed to God to nip in the bud, the nascent crush that I had on cuteshrink? Admittedly, I put the screws to God, by adding "If you care anything about me at all." Normally, I rarely use my guilt card on the Almighty, because I'm afraid he will not take me seriously after a while, but I really felt this time, all things considered, was as good a time as any.
I'm not saying that despite God's never-ending guilt over my tiny boobs that he listens to me... but this time he did. So, in case I forget...
Thank you thank you thank you God!!! (and while I'm at it, Thank you for creating Victoria's Secret external implant bras. I'm truly grateful!)
So, here's what happened: Adam and i went into cuteshrink's office and CS seems a bit awkward as to whether Adam wants to talk or I want to talk or stay or leave. So, I jumped right in and started with how things haven't been going too well at home. Seems reasonable, right?
So, now--- even though Adam gave me a rote apology this afternoon (cause he wants those headphones), he lit into me again as if we were ALONE-- (or on the phone with the 911 operator) and after 5 minutes of this barrage of circular insults... I got up and left---and my first impulse was to get in my car and drive home and let cuteshrink raise Adam. But instead, the sensible Lexie who used to dominate my personality decided to make a cameo appearance:
"Lexie--- you know that's wrong. That is crazy-type behavior, even for a crazy woman, to which you will feel badly about later, so just go for a walk."
It was a classic fall day in Whinyentitledton, just ever-so-slightly cool in the shade, but still warm on the sunny side of the street in our charming village. I saw the usual rich white bitches getting in and out of their over-sized, gas guzzeling luxury SUVs, and some walking around with their perfectly behaved, tow headed "pretend children" angels--- I kept walking past all of the real estate places with homes I'll never even begin to dream of living in and then----- I saw, a new store, so I walked in.
Now, this store appeared to be selling a lot of very expensive beauty products and some home accents and was most chic and sophisticated. The two blond, tanned, big boobed, massive cleavaged, falling out of their lowwwww cut tops proprietresses told me that they weren't officially open yet, but handed me a card that gave me a whopping 10% off of their 300% mark-up. How kind. (never kid a kidder kiddos... I'm in retail too... so I KNOW what your fucking mark-up is!) But, I decided to take le high road and complimented them on their taste and sophistication, but really what I was thinking is "good luck, you two stuck up bimbos--- There's already a makeup, eyebrow weaving, facial giving place 300 feet from you, and its more in keeping with the style-less masses of khakied, dockered, J crewed, ugged, de-make-upped, Suburban driving, horsey set who reside here and they ain't gonna understand your unfinished concrete floors, paired with country furnishings, vintage light fixtures, and a warm charcoal gray accent wall... but I did and appreciated it too. However, I'm an anomaly around these parts!
Still, I walked out feeling wholly depressed because on top of all of the other shit I can't seem to escape from, I felt the sting of not being able to afford even one tube of their $30 lipstick (even if it was only $27 with their lousy "gift" card)--- and besides...(sorry to be so damned kvetchy recently, but I'm under a lot of stress) So, I continued walking and then as I was very close to the therapy place which IS in a cool old building... I must've started hallucinating, as coming towards me was a man... wearing a baseball cap and the same athletic pants that J often wore, but he had a slight limp---but instantly, he BECAME my predator, J... Damn it already!!! Then the mirage seemed to be coming closer and closer, until I felt the anxiety climbing as if I truly was HAUNTED by some never ending ghost of a SUB-human who doesn't care whether I'm alive or dead and I can't seem to get him out of my fucking HEAD!!! But then the vision suddenly became real as we started to actually pass each other; In a lightening speed flash, I saw up close, that even though he had a beard and mustache, the rest of his face was identical to J's. And then, He flashed that familiar smile that I adored so much and said, "howdy."
I was so paralyzed with shock and incredulousness, that I did an about face (no he did not reciprocate) and I'm sure anyone witnessing my sudden contorting body machinations, with a face to match, surely must've realized that I was on a day pass from our local loony bin. (which is conveniently located only about 3 miles away)
Alright..... you can exhale LOL----- No, of course, this wasn't J. but it could've been him in a few years...dead (hmmmm...) ringer and I was all at once, immensely creeped out, almost out of body-ish-- as if observing some cruel cosmic joke, at my expense and yet--there was also some comfort in that "this J" was at least friendly and kind. Oh dear... I'm so sick of myself... Perhaps, God was trying to tell me something? I wasn't sure what he was trying to say, but what became crystal clear is that he had swooped down to at least be with me, as requested. (He does love me. He really loves me!) I found a place to sit for a bit, which before i sat down, found a set of someone's keys and did my good deed of the day and brought them in. So, I went back outside the cafe and just sat... a sliver of warm sun was ever so sweetly touching my face and then I let out a tear, hoping that no one I knew would pass by at that moment. After a few minutes, I thought I had better go up and wait for Adam and so I did that and then after a few more minutes, cuteshrink opens the door, giving me eyes as i'm now getting used to, and motions me to come inside.
Now, here's where it gets really interesting.
I sit down in my usual "spot" and Shrink abruptly looks at me and says: "So, shall we make an appointment for next week?"
I was taken aback. I've been to a LOT of shrinks and we had therapy with Christian at this age too. And there was always a "debriefing" period with parents and it was obvious that I had been upset over the incident at the beginning of the session and I was STILL upset.
Wasn't he going to address any of that?
nope.
So, since he wasn't picking up on this--- I gave him the benefit of the doubt and TOLD him that I was feeling extremely upset by how Adam was treating me and I was hoping that we could address that. I added, this isn't about you. And then I questioned whether Adam could be helped in this manner, in any case.
He assured me that HE could help Adam, but now he was CONFUSED. Was he doing therapy for Adam or BOTH of us??? Well, lets see... A week earlier, the police took my autistic child away in handcuffs which I have to tell you the look, on my autistic child's face--which there are no words to describe (no wait, at that moment, he looked frightening abnormal and disabled) It is gut wrenching stuff.
It wasn't the question so much as it was the confrontational nature of the way he said it and the intensity of his voice, that was extremely unshrinklike-- insensitive--uncaring--unfeeling--callous.
And okay... maybe Making-eyes-at-me-cute-shrink is attracted to me too? I bet you were thinking that too, right?
Then, out of his pretty, but terse mouth I heard, in a rather loud voice--- "I'm uncomfortable now."
wtf??? HE'S UNCOMFORTABLE???
Me thinking, (how quickly can I get the fuck outta here????)
"Right" I said,... "Don't think you're the right therapist for us" and with that, I quickly finished writing him his check for $125 (reduced from 175), ripped it out of my check book, handed it over... And he said,
"Well, if you don't come back, its a big mistake."
Yep, that's what he said.
"Sorry," I said, "its not going to work out-- good-bye." And quickly walked out with Adam when suddenly a "window" from heaven opened up and an angel swooped down and temporarily rendered Adam's brain---normal. It only happens about once or twice a fortnight and there is never any apparent rhyme or reason, but when I needed it the most, I heard utterances from Adam's mouth that coming from him are bizarre.
"Mom, I'm really sorry that you're so upset."
For all of you neuro-typicals out there, this is tantamount to completing a half ironman triathalon. It is. This is a child who is incapable of doing what he just did.
He EMPATHIZED. Holy fucking shit!!! But, even though I took it in, I was in such a state of flight, that I couldn't enjoy it...like eating a hot fudge sundae with a massive head cold.
Miraculously, the "window" remained open for the rest of the 4-mile car ride as Adam gave me a very lucid response as to why cutefiredshrink behaved as he did. I don't remember what it was, but at the time, it made a modicum of sense.
Still, I can't work with this man and tried to explain it to Adam in terms he could clearly understand.
"Its not so much what he said---it was the WAY that he said it-- and the defensive tone of voice. All he had to say was, something like:
"oh, sorry, I wasn't aware that you were going to be a part of the sessions, but that's cool...maybe I should've gone over that with you at the first session. I apologize for the confusion, Lexie."
And Adam seemed to understand that... Thank God.
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