okay, where were we???

Taking a break from autistic son and going back to my story.

So where we? Oh yes, I had started my affair with J and I realized that his partner was a dancer, except there was no outward sign of a woman living in J's apartment. On top of that, I had already started to monitor* him as he had clearly and blatantly lied to me about being on lava life, about his work, living situation, education and AGE. He was actually 42, not 38.

*note: I have NEVER EVER in my entire life monitored anyone else. NEVER. 

just him.

So interesting, isn't it? But every time I felt hurt or disappointed or worried, or caught him in a lie, he would APPEAR, online and was just so funny and cute and then I felt "good" again. After all, we were "just" having fun. Sound familiar?

I don't know if anyone is really interested in the minutiae of this liaison with this guy, but anywho, I've gotten this far...So, I'll go on... I told E about how I posted a pic of a Crustacean Predatory animal as if it was him... And she thought that was very declasse of me. She's right, but its so hard for a codie to get it right. Anyway, it amused me! :)

Yesterday, just to torture myself, (I'm such a fucking masochist) I went back to my journal from two years ago and came across these interesting tidbits.

I am trying to figure out a happy outcome here... and really, there isn't one. I know that...It's just that in the moment.. for now...I am SO happy.. so content to just be with him for a couple of hours.


(I was phenomenally lucid in my craziness)

and an IM convo that I saved in my journal
from 10.05.08 (well duhhhh...)

(subtext in red)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:48:35 PM): just thinking... it's really too bad that D doesn't want to play with you... and of course, I'm just stating the obvious

(I was still trying to wrap my logical mind around why if a guy wants to have a swinging lifestyle, why doesn't he live with a woman who also shares that viewpoint? right???)
bottdam (10/5/2008 12:49:59 PM): xoxo




(translation--- shut the fuck up woman!)


Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:51:05 PM): can i ask u something
bottdam(10/5/2008 12:51:37 PM): sure
(ugh)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:52:35 PM): u r always safe with me, just want u to know that... but what if she found out, somehow, from someone else?
(his fucking face was ALL over the internet!!!)
bottdam (10/5/2008 12:53:34 PM): I don't know--i don't see many women--

(LIAR)and never bring here--I know I can trust you though

(hehe--better be NICE to me) :)

  
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:54:16 PM): j... not to alarm u... or anthing... but i think that u r easy to find
(no shit! I figured out his real last name in about 5 minutes)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:55:10 PM): do the other women u see know that u r with someone?
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:56:07 PM): and u can trust me... definitely!
(at the time, I really meant this)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:56:20 PM): no matter what
bottdam (10/5/2008 12:56:24 PM): One does--and she is ok with it--she is with someone too

(I don thin so!)
bottdam (10/5/2008 12:56:38 PM): But I feel more comfortable with you

 (notice the crumb of affection--- oh... he's falling in love with me---right???)

 please don't answer that... :(

bottdam (10/5/2008 12:56:46 PM): Thanks Lexie



(shut the fuck up with this crap already!)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:56:46 PM): kissy face
bottdam (10/5/2008 12:57:00 PM): Your a sweet woman
(you wouldn't DREAM of fucking me over--so lets be clear on that, okay lady???)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:57:14 PM): thank you...
bottdam (10/5/2008 12:58:02 PM): heading out--have fun tonight
(I've had enough with this barrage of lame questions---ciao!)
Prima Ballerina (10/5/2008 12:58:16 PM): ok... you too!



***

"heading out" was a phrase he used OFTEN--whether he was or not or was IMing me from already BEING out, who the hell knows???. He instant messaged me for 100s of hours over a one-year period. 4 or 5 days--- every week! (I'm sure that I'll repeat this over and over again) It wasn't so much what he said, sometimes as HOW much there was, of it. He spent an enormous amount of time on me... Well... not really on ME... but that's how it felt or how *I* wanted it to feel... :(


To be sure... I did NOT want to get hung up on this dude, So.... During this time, I was consistently MEETING and CHATTING with other men...too... chatted with dozens of men.. and got emails from thousands. no joke. By the end of the year, I had had some 20 OTHER dates, but really there was just nothing with any of them... I was not chatting with them because I had an addiction... I was merely trying to keep my options open... just in case. But, early on... He would say things like did I tell my girlfriend about "US"


What us??? Is there an us???


Sooooooo, by the end of October--- J had worked me into the "swinging thing" or at least the idea of it.


In boiled frog fashion-- he said, " We don't have to play with them if we don't feel like it. We can just watch.!"

"I said... Okay... Its like live porn?"

And he said... YES!!!


He said something about "soft swap"... sounded okay...


Then, he told me one day, that he had put an ad for "US" on Craig's list.


He told me where to look and I was totally aghast as included in the ad were pics of "US" and we weren't playing checkers, if you catch my drift.


I contacted him immediately and very kindly told him that I could not have any pics which clearly identified me. I have a husband and children, remember??? He apologized and took them down. I guess he hadn't seen that ever happen in a movie, so he didn't realize that posting porno pics with my FACE showing could possibly prove to be uhhhh... a BIG PROBLEM?!?!?!?!?!?

***

The first time that we actually met with a couple was in early November and I got caught in traffic and was late and J was all "anxious"--- We met this couple in some hotel with a GINORMOUS bar... I mean the bar itself was about an acre. really. It was full of sophisticated, rather upscale but hip, youngish crowd--type place and for a girl who doesn't get out much--- I felt suddenly ALIVE.. We sat at a small table. J got me a glass of wine. Sooooooooo--- the couple....

Yes...


She was 20-something, blond, short, dumb and dumpy.


He was a 30-something, nebbusha--- skinnnnnnnnnny, glasses, Jeeeeeeeeeeeeeewish, accountant type---straight out of central casting (haha) and VISIBLY nervous. really, really sexy.

Really, it would've been a great scene out of an HBO really bad series about a middle-aged cougar housewife and her younger stud's adventures.


They looked nothing like their pics. J and I just looked at each other and he squeezed my hand (damn him for that) and all I had to do was look into those eyes and knew instantaneously that we each felt exactly the same; neither of us was keen to jump into bed with these two. no fucking way.


"Wait a minute---- Slow down Lexie...."


Yes, what is it???


"Please forgive, but I'm sorry, I'm not following all of this..."


Which part???


"Well... It's just that you had seen J a few times in his apartment right? and now you were going to have sex with other people??? I mean, is that something YOU wanted to do, or were you just doing it to make HIM happy?"


You know... I just love my readers (all 4 of you!)... You guys are so G-Damned smart and ask the best questions.

I WAS A CO-DEPENDENT WITH THIS MAN. Okay????????? I knew there was something waaaaay off and yet... 


THIS IS PART OF THE ATTRACTION... PLEASE MAKE CAREFUL NOTE. WE ARE ATTRACTED FROM THE OUTSET TO SOMEONE THAT WE ARE COMPLETELY COGNIZANT IS BAD FOR US.


Why do we do that? (I think I have the answer, or at least AN answer, but I will welcome your opinions as well)


So whether *I* wanted to truly do this or not, is a moot point. I just did it. It made HIM happy. (ouch--be kind, please) And here comes the rationalization.... R U Ready? :)

Why the hell not? It was an adventure. It was an experiment, just something new and  different; some excitement, a diversion; an escape; someone was paying attention to me and he was A-dorable, built, sexy as hell and he tasted like iced coffee, so fucking yummmmmeeeeee and kissed like... like an absolute angel...fervent ardor--- sigh... I was 52, physically estranged from my husband, with one kid in college and a crazy lunatic at home and I was just having fun...


Does that explain it better?


"Uhhh... maybe a little too well, L...Please go on..."


Thanks! ;)


Alright--- So, J and I walked away for a brief confab and went back to le table and blew off the Ohio couple. (yes OHIO--- I told you, straight outta central casting!)


Now, here's where it gets really good. I had just driven into NYC--- A drive that because of traffic took me TWO full hours... (normally an hour or a bit more to mid town) and we went to the garage and J paid for my parking and then he sat in the car for a minute and I offered to take him home and he said that he had somewhere to go??? (WTF?????????...I know) and he would be in touch later... quick kiss---good bye.


THAT should've been the last time that I ever saw him... I mean, how about "Hey, lets not totally ruin the evening... Let's a get a bite to eat somewhere, Lexie-- I owe you." :)


Right??? I guess they hadn't put that scene into a movie either. You think I'm joking??? He just had no idea what he should do.


So instead--- I was on 44th St. in the middle of NYC--- I turned left to take the Westside Hwy and 70 minutes later-- I was back home-- and very, very depressed.


I was listening to Persichette's Andante Cantabile for flute and harp (love that piece) and crying my eyes out for being such a little nerd and driving into the city where my date decided to dismiss me when I was no longer useful to him...

when J got online and apologized.


He felt bad and was hoping to "see me online."

It took nothing for him to melt my heart. ugh.


I was aware that I had more feeling for this man than I should have, (no shit, Lexie!) but I simply couldn't stop myself. I couldn't turn it off.


Doesn't it always start out this way?