A breather per chance?

Yes, from the story and for those of you who have been offering me support, I greatly appreciate it. I have a lot more to share. I think its helping because it is allowing me to release it. It was one thing to share, but to truly SEE some of what happened is the piece that was missing. Its the proof. Not that I'm not without my own wackiness... but my actions were not without a lot of provocation. Of course, a normal person, would've just gone--- sorry dude, I'm outta here... but, what fun would that be? :/

I think in part, I was able to disassociate the parts that were bad, and focus on the good parts and rationalize, and minimize the rest, but of course, it was all relative and I couldn't just let him walk all over me like that either. The other thing that I used to do and this is really weird. But I used to make up stories in my head, like I was planning a story-line and using some of my experiences, for the great American novel that would make me super rich? LOLOLOLOL So, it was like research??? I told you, the mind has to come up with something and "research" is a really good one! Such a clever gurl, I am. :/

I said I was going to take a breather and here I'm not taking a breather. I think when one is in the middle of something, it is just so difficult to SEE, I mean really see. Sometimes, I still have this unbearable longing--but the longing is for the FEELING, and he was the last person that I had that feeling for. I need a new image.

I wish it could be my husband. He's such a nice man... but I have no passion for him whatsoever. I'm past the stage of wondering if its my fault or his fault or just the possibility that we're not supposed to live this long, in the first place?

Today, I spent hours and I mean, hours on Adam's behalf. I spent at least 2 hours on the phone with the assistant principal, someone in the NEW YORK regional special education department. And then at least 2 more hours writing emails to the CSE Chairperson.

First the NY spec ed woman told me that NY was no longer sending ANY children outside of NY for schooling, no matter what. I wrote to the CSE Chairperson and she said that's not what she was told, and then I looked at their website which was updated on June 30th and it had a list of approved OUT OF STATE SCHOOLS for kids with HF autism, and lo and behold---my beautiful Horse manure school was on there! I'm so in love with that place. Really, it was love at first web site. (sorry, please forgive me, but I couldn't resist!) ;)

Anyway, the CSE chair told me that this is encouraging news, but not to get my hopes too high, just yet.

hahahaha!!!  What on earth does she mean? Hopes??? He's as good as there; its only a matter of time. Unless something else materializes.

In the meantime---We also realized that one of the issues is the head spec ed "angel"--- Got A's interim report card, and actually, SHE is his only teacher who is having a PROBLEM with him!

So, what can one deduce from this? (Poor thing, she also has the great misfortune to have one of those German last names that if pronounced literally the way its spelled, is the same as the derogatory slang word to describe an intimate part of a woman's anatomy-- the kind of word, that if a student yelled it out, would get him detention for at least one day.)

Its just too many niggly women fussing over him and "dumbing down" which he picks up in a lightning flash and kaboom--disaster. He has AUTISM, not mental retardation. Some autistics do have MR, and when they have, its the full-blown DSM-IV head banging, hand biting, no ones really home, Autistic Disorder, but Adam's is definitely NOS and his IQ is in the average to high average range.

OH!!! And a surprise email from Son 1, Christian, the soon to be famous armfartonium player who's coming home for the weekend tomorrow evening and is demanding home made apple crisp and Chinese food for dinner. We'll see... ;)

Okay, I can't resist---- I have to tell a bit more of my story, as long as you're here.;)

Its one of those its so bad, its good stories... right?

About the third week in February which was shortly after my birthday (which he forgot about on the day- natch), and VENEREAL DISEASE DAY, (which I hate more than I can possibly say) I started to worry about his FACE being all over the G-D internet, just above his disembodied aroused genitalia, firmly welded onto some woman's mouth or genitalia. Of course, now that I could see Dee's FB wall, I monitored that too and I knew who her best friends and relatives were and where she worked and just waaaaaaay too much. Really it wasn't anything very earth shattering, but still...it was sooooooooo creepy and yet I could't stop. When did I become such an obsessive stalking lunatic???

Was it the stress of my life? Adam was actually not in school and in a day treatment program at our local psychiatric hospital and it wasn't going well... Nothing was---not even my love life which was like the only thing that gave me any real joy at all, just about.

I was really struggling after I found out that Dee was really real and really in love with him. How did I do this to myself? In a lot of ways, she was simply a younger, smaller, version of my own depressed self. If we had been the same age, we would've been sent out for the same commercial auditions. We are the "pretty, slight character" type---as casting directors used to tell me. In my day, of pretty, young housewife/mom, "P&G" (proctor and gamble) commercial auditions, (before I was a wife or a mom) I was told that I was the perfect type for Lysol.  Mmmm, how hot is that?

I was also so dismayed, however, by all of the lies and all of the times that J had blown me off in recent weeks. It didn't make me feel special even though he often told me that I was, to him or that he missed me or wanted me or was horny for me... I was very angry at him--and disappointed and fearful, but I couldn't just tell him that! All of the assertiveness that I had developed so nicely over the years, flew straight out the window. Instinctively, I knew... It was all his way, or the hi-way and I didn't want to go. Now, I hadn't seen him in almost a month and so, I hatched a plan. I wanted to get inside his head, (oh my) a bit and make him think (?) and I really really wanted him to take those fucking pics of himself down!!! How could a man involved with someone he supposedly cared about be so arrogant, so reckless, so very disgustingly disrespectful of their relationship? (rhetorical questions)

Really, with the time and devotion that I spent planning and scheming, I could've cured something or other... Here is what happened.

First, I opened up a phony profile on lava life--So easy. Make up a new email addie and you're in.  I knew just what to say and I called her "Debutaunte" (cute huh?)  no pics and I smiled at J and of course, he responded and then, I didn't waste a moment and went straight for the jugular.

Hey, I got your smile--thanks, how r you?

J-------????

yes--and who are you?

I work with Dee at PDE. What the hell do you think you are doing?

Silence

Who are you???

A friend of Dee's-- what I want to know is why you're fucking around behind her back on here???

Oh this, this is nothing. I'm just bored.

WTF? You are on here looking for SEX. Jesus. I simply can't believe this. You know what you remind me of? One of those pervs on Dateline's "To Catch a Predator"

Oh God

Can't imagine how anyone could cheat on such a lovely woman like Dee

Quite frankly, i have no idea what she sees in you!

you must think i'm such an ass

And it says here that u r single? OMG! SINGLE?

I didn't know that.

bullshit.. u do too KNOW!!! You're a lying scumbag who's fucking around behind Dee's back and if I ever see you on here again, I'm not going to be so kind!

Alright, I'm taking it down right now.

Okay, You better! Ciao!

***

And you just thought that I was a pretty, (slight character) sweet, nice, corn fed girl from Indiana, huh??? Well, yeah... we're the worst... especially the Jewish ones of Hungarian descent. Don't even think of fucking with us. I have to admit, as nasty as it was... It felt sooooo good to finally have his balls, where they belonged--- In a VICE!!!!!!!

And talk about power---within one hour, every single pic of his FACE was taken DOWN.

YIPPPPEEEE!!!!  I was heady with my new-found passive-aggressive power!!!!!!!!

Then, right after that... the bad boy, himself popped up for a little chat with moi. If you thought he was bizarre and disordered yesterday, you ain't seen nothin' yet. I saved the entire transcript. uh huh... grab the popcorn!




Oh wait no... I'm sooooooooooo tired suddenly..............sorry, but you're gonna have to wait----g'nite ;)