Its not your fault

So many of us struggling with either addictions and/or co-dependent behaviors in our lives were also victims of childhood abuse at the hands of our family, teachers, clergy--neighbors, even so-called friends. Some of us don't even remember some or even ALL of the abuse, because we have blocked it from our conscious brains. Even if we remember the abuse, we have suffered damage to our psyches. The developing brains of children are not equipped to understand that what is being done to us is not normal. Thus, we quickly developed coping skills; the instinct to survive is powerful. These coping strategies do not diminish in adult-hood. It is not something that one just "outgrows". Now, some people may react more strongly than others. And there may be other factors involved as well which lead to addictive or co-dependent behaviors in adulthood.

I think one of the most dramatic stories which depicted deeply suppressed, unspeakable child abuse, torment and the eventual splintering of the personality was in the story of "Sybil"-- Who could forget Sally Field's brilliant interpretation of this deeply psychotic woman with some 3 dozen multiple personalities?

In a less dramatic fashion, but also quite a powerful story, that so many of us can relate to, is the wonderful film, Good Will Hunting--- Remember the South Boston, 20-ish, ANGRY, math genius? Great script, for sure and superb acting--- and that oh so cathartic scene when Will REALLY takes in the SOURCE of his PAIN and ANGER at the world--- with the help of the always amazing Robin Williams, who became a surrogate father for him.

Of course, Will had been brutally abused by his monster of a father and all this time, Will felt that he was a worthless piece of shit, just cause Dad said he was. He was a loser and he was going to PROVE to the world, that indeed he was exactly that, no matter what anyone else said. And then upon having the revelation that he WASN'T a worthless piece of shit, but someone DESIRABLE by a lot of cool people who WANTED him-- he's all healed. Just like that. He gets a great job making 7 figures a year--- Flies out to Palo Alto to ask Minnie Driver to marry him and they drive off into the sunset, living happily ever after... end of story.

If only life was like a Hollywood Movie and it were that simple.

Here's the real story--- Will makes the realization that his FATHER was the one who was fucked up, but then he gets the job and he still can't KEEP it, because his social skills are in the toilet. He goes to Cali, only to find out that the love of his life had already moved on... despondent, he starts drinking and womanizing, cause he realizes that he's such a fucktard that he can't even keep a woman OR a job... and then meets another woman who reminds him of Minnie...and another, and another...

Do you see where I'm going???

Intellectually, we get it. We're survivors. We learned to cope and we did whatever we needed to do in order to do so and then we learned how to numb the pain and numb the feelings, but then, we find that we too, are sick... maybe not AS sick as our abusers, but sick, nevertheless.

For anyone out there in recovery who's reading this and thinks that they can get well on their own if they just "pray harder", "believe harder", "try harder", "love harder"--- only to beat themselves up over and over again, when they fall down, please just know this one thing.

You are NOT alone and you can't do it all alone either. You became this way as a COPING mechanism. Somewhere along the way, the people in charge of caring for you didn't do their job. They didn't protect you. They were negligent or perhaps were the source of the abuse. In any case, you learned ways of coping with the feelings you didn't understand or the feelings of worthlessness you grew to develop. I do truly think, however, with time and the right resources, we can find ways to unlearn the undesirable behaviors, but we need to find the right help.

Not all adults are sick.

Love,

Lexie