the fat lady makes her first appearance

Exposing J didn't end up being as cathartic as I had hoped it would be... I was truly suffering and rapidly cycling through feelings of extreme loss, anger, desire, hate, sadness, longing, regret, guilt... and on top of all that was this sense of unresolved business... there was no resolution and there never would be and THAT was so difficult to accept. The truth is that if anything, I just obsessed about him all the more. I second guessed every action... going back for months and months... What if... I was so lost

and depressed and upset and thankfully, I had Elle (my BFF) and my therapist... but it was a horrible time!

On day six, I wrote this to myself, in my journal:


J... I wish I could just know that you are alright...

oh fuck!!!!!!! why do i fucking care?

HE was the one who wrote me on the fucking DAY that i arrived back from alaska even though i had reached out to him several times... he wrote me that he thought that we should just both

MOVE ON

That is what he wanted.

as cruel as it is... he was pushing me to 'move on' for a very long time.. UNLESS i wanted to swing with him... i don't care what he said or what he did or how he looked at me or how he kissed me..

HE ONLY WANTED ME IF I WOULD FUCK HIM IN THE PRESENCE OF OTHER PEOPLE.

because he is a SEX ADDICT

A NARCISSIST

A SOCIOPATH

AND A FUCKING LOSER

LEXIE.. DO YOU WANT TO BE INVOLVED WITH A LOSER?????????

WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME???????????


But... none of that stopped me from caring about him. I cared, damn it. Even if he didn't or couldn't.

I DID!!!!!!!

It was really sad, but by day nine, I couldn't take it any longer and i did something that I would now caution anyone in my place from doing. In my mind then, I had realized (the justification) that enough time had gone by for me to gently inquire about my "friend" Dee, to offer some support and to see how she was doing?

I don't remember for sure... but I seem to recall that I had some Puccini playing in the background...

yes, bunny boiling bonkers...

Even Steve told me so... He told me that I was insane which was so helpful.

But too late... I had already written her... (as Kim Richardson, of course)


From: Kim Richardson
To: Dee Ceived
Sent: Fri, October 9, 2009 5:33:20 PM
Subject: Re: update

Dear Dee,
I did want to give you some space here as I do have an understanding of how unspeakably painful this must be for you. I have not gone a day since then, without many tears and also a fair amount of second guessing on my part, as to whether I did the right thing. Deep in my heart, I believe that it was the right thing, as difficult as all of this must be for you. You see, I was in a similar situation with a man who had a "secret life". I found out about it in a different way, however. I think that is what rekindled my rage here and why I went to such extremes to gather information. I just couldn't see the same thing happening all over again to someone I cared about. But again, I am so very sorry that it had to be me that was the source of your pain.
You are an incredible woman; so very gifted, and yes, very strong which is also why I felt that you would be able to handle the truth. I was afraid that you might turn your anger on me, (as the messenger) and the fact that you haven't is a testament to the truly sweet loving woman you are. Whatever you decide to do now, at least you are not being kept in the dark about something that is your right to know.
Comfort has been taken in knowing that you have an extremely supportive network of family and dear friends who will be there for you and in the end, no matter what path you choose, you are now armed with the information to act in whatever way you see fit. It is my fervent hope that ultimately, your life will only take a turn for the better. Much better.

***
Did I really say that? fraid so... God... I WAS insane!  I realize, but nevertheless... my intentions were good... and my sentiments were sincere.
Shortly thereafter, I received a reply from Dee:

Re: update
...
From:  
Dee Ceived
...
View Contact
To:    Kim Richardson

It's probably not the wisest thing to assume everyone's life is like your own or will turn out as such. But I can now understand the sentiment. Every situation and every relationship is singularly unique. Some will be able to withstand something like this and others won't. We're still not sure which category we will eventually fit into.

But we do have something we didn't have a little over a week ago and that's hope-he checked into a 30-day treatment center on Monday. A huge first step with many to follow.

I don't share all this w/you because I feel I need to explain or justify my actions but just to again reiterate my "gratefulness" for this knowledge.

I don't appreciate the way you did it, not that there's any easy way, and I'm sure it took no small amount of courage on your part. However my problem is why all the secrecy? You call yourself a "dear friend" of mine and yet all of my dear friends were the ones who got me through those first few horrid days and you clearly were not one.

So while I'm a bit afraid to ask, enough already-who are you? If you do tell me please know I may not want to speak in person but this has become a source of paranoia now for me.

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®


Oh My God...

I started trembling and then shaking, with this news... but Adam wanted pizza, so we went out...