"house cleaning" at the end of 2010

I want to go on with my Cali ballet story (its really good)---and there is soooooo much more, I want to talk about, but, alas... real life is interceding.

I actually got through Christmas alright... and then something really set me off two days ago, which was the 27th. Christian got his grades and although he aced all of his music courses, in his liberal arts courses he got a D and then he actually FAILED a FOUR credit course. (Japanese, that we told him not to take but he had decided that since he had taken Karate, that it would be "easy." Go ahead laugh, at my expense.)

I did remain eerily calm, and Christian even apologized twice to which the second time, I actually acknowledged his apology, however inside I was quietly simmering just underneath a rapid boil.........but then, he informed me, that he was taking off for 6 days to have a jolly old good time with his friends in Manhattan AND he was leaving in one hour.

It is not that I don't want him to have a good time... but that is ALL his life is... one big never ending party.

Then this fact coupled with the fact that my life is one never ending nightmare of which I seem to have no control... rendered me into what may have appeared to be a 0-60 (but was really 40-60) screaming, and I mean screaming, psycho, hystrionic-I-don't-care-who-was listening tirade.

First of all, to make up the credits will cost $4,000 and his schedule is already packed about as tightly as can be.

"Oh, I'll take an online course, Mom. It'll be fine."

People with ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPER ACTIVITY DISORDER cannot take online courses. EVERYTHING that an online course IS, is the problem with his academic work.

it requires work. period.

Second, i'm disgusted by his completely cavalier attitude and "party animal" mentality. Oh, I know that this is very common, but still... It's been 20 years of this shit.

And three, I'm disgusted that I'm stuck in this sham of a marriage, living with a slug who NEVER fucking wants to go out or do anything---- especially on new year's eve. We went out the first year, right after we met, and I think that was it.

Now, that i have a permanent date for new year's eve, the date just wants to stay home and play online scrabble.

This lead me to the question that for some reason i just needed to know.. cause its been on my mind for a while...

"how many women have you fucked besides me since we've been married?" (that was in 1988)

Sam replied, "one."

4.5 years ago when I found the cyber sex chats and he was talking about the size of my thimble breasts, he swore that it was ONLY chat. and now, it wasn't ONLY chat.

Now, the cyber sex chat woman from Chicago and he DID have sex but it was just "one time" and she came here (to NYC and he met her at a hotel) and he virtually spent no money...(that is probably true, cause he's so cheap) and he just needed to be "validated."

ewww... that's disgusting.

And he loved the "excitement" of chatting with women online.

loser.

I'm married to a fucking loser. Cause if he had been doing something to make me proud of him, like go back to school or go for a decent paying job, I would be proud of him, and wouldn't be writing this pity party rant tonight.

All of this, while we have been struggling financially for years and years and now find ourselves, like so many, 10s of thousands of dollars, in debt.

And at first he said it happened in 2002 but then that date changed to 2006.

He says he blocked it all out. how convenient. but probably true.

All this while, I've maintained that Sam doesn't have a problem like those other addicts do.

And then, it dawned on me, that I've possibly been the most delusional, minimizing, denying woman of them all!

But, Lexie, you had your own affair, right?

You guys are so smart.

Yes, I definitely did, but it wasn't what I wanted. I never would've done anything to betray our vows, but after he left his cyber sex left for me to see, everything went out the window. I know that sounds really pollyanna-ish, but in my mind, I imagined how hurt he would be, if he ever found out. right. I used to fantasize that he had died, and I was the grieving widow... That was the only way i could get rid of him.

Sam made it very clear that he had no intention of going to therapy or working on himself and I couldn't bear the thought of him ever touching me again, after I found his cyber sex and then on top of it, he gave me permission to date because he didn't want to have sex with anyone (he said) and he understood, or something. But he said once when I dragged him in to my therapist, that he was open to a marriage being whatever two people wanted it to be.

My therapist encouraged me to date, because I was still obsessing over this other dude and longing for some male attention. My going out and looking was really an experiment and then I saw predator (on the 5th day) and i nearly fell off my chair. The pic was old,(of course) but in that image he was a total matinee idol.  I never even imagined that he would talk to me... I'm such an idiot.

I keep thinking about Cuteshrink too...not in an all consuming way. (Thank God!!!) Tomorrow is Adam's last session before he goes off to boarding school next week.  I have to admit that I fantasize about Cuteshrink, because I so long for a handsome man to love me. I know its really shallow, (I'm deeply shallow) He has the prettiest mouth and then he looks up at me with those deep set bedroom eyes. dang...

But, I guess my son's shrink (even an ex-shrink) is not exactly an appropriate choice for a boyfriend, now is it? LOL

And I don't know for certain, if he's involved or not. my sense is no, but i could be wrong about that.

And how would I ever approach it, anyway? I mean, he never would. That would be very unprofessional.

"uhhh... Cuteshrink, would you like to go out for a drink, sometime? cause i'm just married in a legal sense, but not in practice... wink, wink."

kinda lame, isn't it?  anyone have a better idea?

I do have his email address though...(ugh. email)... but......... he did state quite emphatically if there was anything we ever needed, that he was available... hmmmm...

Here's his exact quote.

"I would be happy to remain involved with you guys and Adam post-placement if there is a helpful role I can play."

I could see that happening. ;)