The BLOG - part 5 (Predator and Dee get "intimate")

 (Please note: The following posting has some explicit language and may be emotionally upsetting to some readers, or not, depending on your viewpoint. Please be gentle with yourselves. ~ xo, Lexie)

By the second week of the new year, 2010, I was feeling pretty awful-- physically, emotionally, and spiritually... I was trying so hard to recover, from this debacle, to get past all of this... but was struggling--- mightily. I couldn't believe that J was still out there screwing around on his (unspeakably) devastated partner and I couldn't believe that I had Lyme Disease, on top of everything and was feeling like a total piece of shit. (As an aside, I was on antibiotics for TEN weeks, when the doctor decided that I needed to have ANOTHER LYME TITER, and guess what??? I DID NOT have Lyme Disease, after all, but some auto-immune thyroid thingy, and mild arthritis.)

I was so angry at J... He had put everyone through hell... the selfish little prick and he was STILL out there... grrr rrrr...

 

Then... One  morning, I opened up Dee's blog and I found this...


Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Back To Basics

I knew that if we were able to stick it out that there would have to be a "first time" again in the intimate encounter department, and that first time was the other evening. What I was most stunned by was the surprising absence of dreaded visions of him with all those other women; instead I felt surprisingly in the moment, pleasured even and then remarkably overcome with emotion which led to heavy sobbing and shortness of breath.
 
That's really hot and sexy, Dee... I'm sure that totally turned Predator on...
 
Quite the roller coaster ride of emotions yet again for me but I can definitely attest that this was a much more gratifying way to have my world rocked. 

Thanks for sharing.

While still scary and uncertain, it was a far more comfortable journey towards recovery than previous trips I've had to endure over these painful, heavy-heart-filled months.


Funny you say that, because when J first told me about you, he told me that sex with him was EXTREMELY painful for you, which of course, is undoubtedly a bunch of crap, not to mention highly disgusting that he is talking about your deeply private life to another woman.

And a necessary one at that....I was beginning to fear the very act itself and created all these panicked images in my head of what it was going to take for me to be able to get to such a place of submission again with him. But all the preconceived anxieties seemed unwarranted as we simply succumbed to the moment without much fanfare and focused on getting lost in us again.

ewww...

For me this seemed to beg the question: "What makes us women form such inevitable emotional attachments to sexual encounters"?

How, very Carrie Bradshaw-ish.

I've often thought of going out and acting in the exact same manner my partner did with as many partners if not more, but then wondered if I really would be able to do such a thing.

NO, and not possible anyway, because there are only so many hours in the day.

Is it possible for women like me to live that way? To have meaningful beautiful sex with the one you love while also occasionally engaging in throw-away, booty-call sex with others? I admit I've never tried it but do remain curious at least in my fantasies.

In reality I'm not altogether sure this lifestyle would suit me but is a subject I will maybe explore further down the line-with my partner.

OMG!!!!!!!!

For now I will enjoy the sexual newness of our now as we climb this mountain of returning to "US" and attempt to take each phase of it in stride. I will sob if I feel the need, call a stop to any actions we may be in the midst of that bring any uneasiness or discomfort should the demons rear their heads, but most of all I will just welcome being in love again and feeling loved and cherished in return. For I know I deserve this better, healthier relationship we will ultimately build. I believe we both do in fact.

Posted by Dee at 7:29 AM

I really wanted to vomit after reading this... it was all too much...I can't read these words without hearing some phony "mid Atlantic" accent, like some affected actress from a bygone era.  (yeah, that's Ava Gardner.) :)

He does not love and cherish her. He is INCAPABLE of this kind of emotional intimacy... or any real emotion--- with ANY woman!

That's when, I snapped.  I really did.

I just couldn't take it any longer!!!!!!!!

First I wrote two short things on her blog... I asked her if she had any idea who could see this shit and then told her about the lava life profile including the name he used. "Funinthesunman"... Remember, the guy who wants a woman who doesn't take herself too seriously and doesn't have any baggage?
 
So, cute, isn't he?

But, then I was still not satisfied and I decided to write her an email, not too long, saying that if she wanted to speak to me, with her therapist there or a friend, that I would do that for her. It had been three months since she had begged me to never write her again, and I felt that she was most likely stronger now and maybe she was ready to hear the truth?

I didn't get an answer and fortunately, I saw my therapist the next day who was very empathetic, but she implored me to "let it all go."

"Stop looking", she said. "Just stop all of this, Lexie, because it is not going to help you or get you anywhere."

I looked at her like she had 6 heads and said, HOW???

She said to just do it! JUST STOP LOOKING.

And she seldom gets so cross with me, but she did on that occasion.

So... I left and I knew she was right... but then... I thought that the only way I can do that is to just put an end to this ridiculous farce by letting it all hang out, in one last email.

Quite frankly, I wasn't even sure if Dee still had the same email address, but the other one hadn't come back to me, so I figured, what the hell...

Since this would be the very LAST time I would ever contact her, I had decided to pull out all of the stops... and expose her partner for who he really IS... what he had done to ME... and what he was doing to HER and to ALL women!

If I had to do it all over again... knowing what I know now... I wouldn't have sent this. But, then... I just kept thinking. What if he makes her sick? She really needs to know the WHOLE truth!

I am going to comment on my own writing in blue italics.

Here is the final correspondence.

Dee,

I do not know if you received the other email, because I see the lava profile is still up, or perhaps you are formulating a plan. For some reason, he is not active on that profile at this time. I can assure you, it is not the only one out there. And this one is like a girl scout bake sale compared to the XXX profiles he has elsewhere.

Despite what I said, about being available to you, I am going to have to take back the offer as it is not the right for me. I am seriously now, after 18 months of my own hell with all of this, going to try to recover my soul that was robbed from me and move away from all of this because it is not ever going to get me anywhere but deeper and deeper into that downward spiral of depression. I was doing much better by November, until I happened by accident on J's profile on lava life early in December and then your blog -- ugh.

I have seen my own therapist recently and I realize fully at this time, that I really must completely unhook. The reason that it is so difficult is because I am so very angry and enraged at how another human (your so-called "domestically partnered husband") could behave towards someone they claimed to care about--and it is a multi-layered thing to which I am referring. It is all very sad and unfortunate, but that is what happens sometimes. I am okay, though and in my heart, I am trying in earnest to forgive J but I cannot excuse him - ever. He's a very sick man. I am so very sorry for your situation and pain and I understand more than you will ever know. Despite my wanting to "help", I realize that its a journey you must travel on your own.

Before I go for good, however, I am going to say my peace and I will try to say it as gently as I possibly can while still conveying the message. However, there is nothing gentle about what he has been doing, to you and to other women too, so I'm afraid that it is going to hurt you very deeply. However, after reading your blog, I truly feel in my heart that you need to understand much more fully what has been going on with full knowledge of the FACTS so that you may proceed with your life with eyes truly "wide open". Please know that there are so many people who do genuinely love you (and you ARE immensely lovable!!!) and reach out to them right now, for you will be needing your real loved ones at this time---more than ever.

True love is healing, warm, comforting and safe---always.

I am tell you all of this because if it were me, and my very existence were being threatened by my so-called "loving-partner" I would want to know the truth, no matter how painful. Remember, the pain of these truths will hurt, but they will not kill you. Ultimately, you will heal. You WILL get past this. I have tremendous faith in you! As I have said before; You are a remarkable woman and you have so much to offer! You have no idea.

Alright, here it all is... and Dee I am not saying any of this to hurt you, but it is going to hurt and very badly too... so, please have someone that you can rely on, on standby. Please you must do this right now.

I was extremely aware of just how horrible this was going to be for  her... but what I wasn't considering is that this was a woman who was so clearly in GROSS DENIAL about what was REAL. Her mind simply would not let her take in the truth; therefore, the only logical conclusion she could make is that *I* was purposely trying to hurt her, which was definitely not the case. i was trying to SAVE her, but she was suffering from "Stockholm Syndrome" or something...
 
Thank you for taking down your blog. Most of it (especially in the last month or so) is beyond nauseating to read if one knows the real truth about J. If you decide to stay with him, you must be very careful about posting any personal information of any kind on the internet that you don't want J's lovers to read or see. Now, I hope you will begin to realize that he has absolutely NO boundaries in his personal life. He has no real regard for anyone but himself, so anything goes!

He has been known to bring women, including me, into your home,--many times  but I have and will always respect your privacy. I am including a pic of you and J that is also on the built in bookshelf in your living room.  He has posted this pic on some of his ONLINE profiles, (you're the only woman on the page out of dozens of pics of other women, who has any clothes on). There is another photo of you and your brother, sitting on the round table next to your sofa that is very deep and slip-covered. Your apartment walls are painted in shades of gold and there's an oriental rug in both the living room and bedroom. (all, very nice, btw)... There is a box with your NAME ON IT, in your galley-style kitchen, sitting over the desk area. The window treatments in your room are gold linen in the summer and dark green velvet in the winter. J has the walk-in closet, by the door, and your things are kept in a bank of semi-built-in closets on the far wall. There is a pic of you dancing outside and J is in the foreground between the door which has a mirror on it... and a painting of a ballerina over your bed. There is a painting between the two living room windows of an Italian scene and interestingly enough there is a table, with three chairs around it... I was there many times and at first I did not know that you even existed. I never meant to cause you any harm and I still feel that way.

Next time, or next year, you might not be so lucky when he brings some other truly crazy bimbo around. Again, HE has no boundaries, so if you stay with him, and you don't like strange women invading your personal, private living space and bed, you will have to create some UNEQUIVOCAL boundaries for him and what will happen if he does not adhere to YOUR boundaries and rules. You don't have your own children, but this is what parents have to do, in order to discipline their children and that is what you are dealing with here; someone with the emotional maturity of a 12-yr-old, at best.

If you do not want to get a sexually transmitted disease, he absolutely must wear a condom when he is with you.

I myself, did not know I had HPV until exactly one year after Dee's D-day (most ironically) I had not had sex with anyone else in nearly 13 months and the only man I had sex with, was J (and unfortunately, the dudes, I needed to be with in our swinging encounters)

He frequently has unprotected sex with other women. (I have the pics to prove it) He did with me---25 times, (which was really dumb of me) but I am clean and went to my dr. many times to get checked because J gave me frequent bacterial infections. He is a sex addict and IS going to continue to act out in this manner, despite what he says. He still has online profiles. So, "this" is far from "cured." 

Do not pay attention to that "CMV negative" nonsense. Not having the antibodies to cytomegalovirus, means nothing in terms of STDs, many of which are bacterial, anyway. You are NOT safe from STDs if you have unprotected sex with him-period. I have had several bacterial infections from him  in the year that we had our affair. I was not with any other men, including my husband who knows of our affair. (except for the men that I "needed" to be with to keep him "happy.") I spent a lot of money going to my Dr. to get treated; he couldn't have cared less and chocked it up to "my cock can give a yeast infection". (not joking, that is what he said)
J is the most delightful and gregarious man and NO subject is off limits, no matter how personal! He will tell his women (or at least me) all about YOU--including details about your hairy privates (which he loves, of course) and intimate details about your sex life such as your extreme pain on intercourse, which I never fell for, btw.(he says that his penis is too big for you..awwwwwwwww... such bullshit... went to the dr. to see what the problem was... blah........THAT is WHY he contacted me--- yes, this is what he told me!!!)

Again, he has no boundaries!!! Anything goes!!! And HIS "rules" are arbitrary and inconsistent and can change at any moment and without warning and if you don't like it--TOUGH SHIT LADY-- He has "explained" over and over and over and you still don't get it??? In the final weeks, when he was upset, he would call me up, screaming incoherently into my ear like a toddler having a tantrum. His "explanations" on email are completely rambling and contain incomplete thoughts and nonsensical wording, meant to confuse and demean. 

He is very abusive and demeaning to ALL of his women, not just you. He often rubbed his other encounters in my face over and over and told me intimate details about them too, and sent me naked pics of his other girlfriends. His long-time girlfriend, (YES! over 5 years!!!) Kimberly (who is quite attractive) is a big squirter. (yep, that's what he says) He loved to chat to me about their many afternoons of extreme debauchery and "rough sex"  as they like to smack each other around while hurling nasty insults at the other. He told me once, that they planned to be together when they are 70. Yes, that's what he said.  Danielle, only 33 now and the youngest, has big tits, but wanted "more" (whatever that means) and so he had to dump her. Joann is ugly as sin, but he is altruistic and calls her "the mercy fuck". Anything goes.

He will have sex with anyone who has a hole between her legs. Anyone.  He is not interested in the deeply intimate, emotionally loving sex of which you long to have with him.(and deserve!) It ain't gonna happen--ever. His way is the kinkiest, piss drinkiest, exhibitioniest, TYPE of sex-- The riskier, the crazier, the more demeaning, abusive, the better. He does not care if his partners have hepatitis, HPV, HIV, or even if they have had a shower in the last week. He just wants to show up, with a six-pack of cold brew (and sometimes with an attractive, sexy woman on his arm) and have crazy - wild "no holds barred" fuckfest sex and to shower his "big cum shot" all over the fucking room.

That is what he likes--This is what excites him. He's a SWINGER and has been living a swinger life style WITHOUT you and it is going to continue, like it or not. You could not possibly have more partners than he has had, if you even wanted to, because there are only so many hours in the day. He is going to continue to do this whether you want to with him or not. And he cannot ever tell you the truth, so you will never ever know what is really going on. If you want to stay with him and keep him kinda sorta happy, and (maybe) know where he is and who he is with (on occasion, when he decides to include you) then you will have to learn to like this too and you will be required to be with other men and suck their smelly cocks and have them fuck you with their stinky foul breath, and smelly, sweaty bodies all over you.

ewww... I know this is so completely and thoroughly gross and for some of my readers, will be phenomenally triggering. But THIS was my reality and I am so, so ashamed that I ALLOWED my beautiful self to be subjected to this. The hardest one to forgive has been myself.

Do not count on J to make sure that they are wearing a condom either, to keep you safe(r). This is up to you to decide. He doesn't care about his partners or if they get sick. The big enchilada for him is to find some mutant male who is actually larger than he is.  Sometimes, you may also have to engage with other women too. If you don't wish to do that, (as I did not) he will find a bi-sexual woman who will do that for him. He actually ASKED me to come over one night so that I could lick your twat. (in all fairness, he was drunk when he wrote that to me and rescinded the offer, later as I was very upset at the notion) He wants what he wants and its NYC, so it is always available.  Or--- you could just go on as you were and let him have his fun without you. He will not change and he cannot tell the truth. It will take 24/7 constant monitoring to even have a hope of knowing where he is, who he is with and what he is doing.

He spends dozens of hours every week on IM and email in procurement of sex and hours and hours looking at porn sites. He spent hundreds of hours on IM, with me, alone!  I thought we were good playmate friends. He often told me how special I was to him, sexy, phenomenal, incredible, delicious, amazing...on and on and on... ad infinitum.................It appeared to all eyes (other couples would often remark) that he was a man "in love" when we were out. but it is not real. It is all part of the CON that is his life. It is all a carefully crafted and orchestrated manipulation so that ultimately he can torment and abuse. This is what sadists  do and what he does to all women. 

Remember when you had food poisoning last April? THE DAY AFTER you were in the hospital, he arranged a special Easter weekend "fuck fest" (what he called it) for us starting Thursday evening. Yes indeed. That's what happened. He goes on massive sex binges. Dee, you cannot even begin to fathom the depths of his acting out. No wonder he is exhausted all the time. The organizing alone, is phenomenally time consuming and exhausting. You have no idea, what goes on. I was there--- a lot of the time, this last year.

This is just a tiny sampling of things that have happened. I have saved some of the more horrific graphic things, believe it or not. There are details that would put you away, for good. And I am NOT going to bury you, by sending you those horrible porno pics. This is bad enough, I'm sure. I know this must be thoroughly horrific to read, but it is the truth. This is what he will never tell you. I am telling you now, because I believe that you are now strong enough to handle the truth that is your right to know. I have struggled with my realizations for a very long time, Dee. I tried to help him, myself... I truly did.  He will never "disclose" to you, what has really been going on, because his severely damaged ego will not let him and so you will never have the complete truth, and it appears that you would rather live your delusional fantasy existence with a man who does not really exist.

He is a sexual predator. That is what he is. He preys on sweet, attractive, "damaged" women because generally, we have lower self-esteem and are easier to manipulate into submitting and accepting  his perverse treatment. Eventually, we all reach our limit and he uses the inevitable confrontation by a justifiably enraged woman as an excuse to DUMP AND IGNORE. All women have an inherent shelf-life (Kimberly comes and goes, so is different) But do be rest assured that he will NEVER EVER leave you for another woman. NEVER! Why??? Ahhh... you have been chosen for a very special assignment. Your raison d'etre. You are there, as a place holder, to hold all OTHER women at bay. Reality check. Without a live-in, how WILL he pay all of his expenses and how WILL he stop those viperous women from trying to ensnare him into --God forbid ---MARRIAGE??? The answer is Dee. "Dee and I have a relationship." You have nothing with him. When he sells the apartment that you SHARE,  but is in HIS name, only---what do you get? Right. He does not care about your financial future and he certainly does not wish to be beholden to you in any way shape or form! Tell me, do you still feel loved and cherished by this man?

I do have very high hopes for you Dee. You can beat this devastation going on inside your soul. You do not have to spend the rest of your days in the gutter. You deserve so, so, so much more! You have more beauty and talent than is fair and it is simply going to waste--lying there completely dormant. Use it, damn it!!! Stop whatever shit job you are doing (that you hate to the depths of your soul) and use your immense God-given talents. You know what they are!!! It is all within yourself and you don't need anyone, especially a broken down loser, ALCOHOLIC, incurable SEX ADDICT (intimacy disorder??? You have GOT to be joking, it doesn't even BEGIN to cover what his issues really are)
There is only the very, very slimmest chance of any kind of "recovery" (as you understand that word) for him. Right now, you two are barely on the road to "discovery" much less "recovery." You must realize just this much. I know you are already beyond exhausted, but your journey has not really even begun. He does not want to "recover."(although he will make YOU think that he does, because he knows that is what you WANT to HEAR!) He does not think that there's anything to "recover" from. This is all a big running joke for him. He has convinced himself that everything he does is completely "normal." There is NOTHING that he does that is normal and everything he does is a CON carefully crafted to deceive and delude; You and I and dozens of other victims have fallen for it to some extent or another and there is no end to it at all...

He knows that he is attractive to women and thrives on women falling for him so that he can then play his unique brand of mind fuck... and it is all so immensely hurtful and enraging.  Then, so as not to "HURT", when one of us has reached our inevitable limit, he will ignore and DUMP,  because you "deserve something better and will find what you seek" (he's fine because he cannot attach to anyone and has already moved on to his next victim) and it all just evolves into a deep well of unbearable hurt. It is a viciously devastating cycle and it is a chasm so deep within his psyche, so immeasurable, it can never ever be filled.  I am still trying to make some kind of reasonable sense out of it, but it is a useless exercise.

Do not try to delude yourself into thinking that your "love" is so great and so strong and powerful that together you and he can recover and build a "new life"---achieving "new heights" you never thought possible. Please, an emesis basin-- quick! It is not possible; it is a bottomless pit out of which there is no escape with him. Sad as it is, he simply cannot feel your love, Dee. He cannot feel love and he cannot empathize either; he has no genuine love to give, for most tragically, he has no heart and he has no soul. It may feel like love, (at times) but it is not the real thing. It is nothing but a carefully crafted facsimile of the real thing that he has perfected since childhood. Real true abiding love does not evoke FEAR and PAIN and DREAD of the future. The kind of deep intimate love, you want, need and deserve is simply something he cannot manufacture. This is the cause of your fear and anxiety because deep down, I believe you understand the reality; however your "need" that you have at this time will not allow you to fully own it. You must go through all the stages to reach the point of your own personal dawn...The surrender to your heart--

it will tell you what you need to know, and do---in time...

I do so very much understand and again, I wish you continued strength and all things good and beautiful and truly loving in your life now and always.
 
Well folks... there it is... The letter you've all been waiting for... Reading it now... I am flabbergasted that I sent out such a thing, but a year ago, I was so phenomenally ANGRY... and VENGEFUL!!! And I could not bear the fact that he was going to continue to hurt other women! But again, as I said earlier... if it was now, I wouldn't have sent this.

Now... you are waiting for the final note, right??? An absolutely outraged J calling me up and screaming in my ear or a scathing email from Dee imploring me to PLEASE STOP??? (even though I had clearly stated that this was the last time I would EVER contact her.)

I never did contact them again... and oddly enough, they did not respond either.

The silence after that extreme email was perhaps one of the most peculiar aspects of this entire thing. But, what wasn't peculiar? I figured either she didn't receive it, or she was just ignoring it. So be it.

I did feel quite badly, however, and guilty too. I didn't really want to hurt Dee, but I knew that I had and that was the part that I was really struggling with... I went out with Elle for dinner the next evening and shared all with her and she was supportive and loving as always... I had done my best and I was done.

or so I thought.