THE BLOG - part 4 (monogamy or bust)

I've decided to condense some things a bit, because I'm really getting sick of this. Aren't you?
At first the discovery of this blog was like this unbelievable "gift", that I was so thirsting for, but then... day by day...
the blog itself, or rather my obsession with looking to see if anything new had been posted, seemed to take on a
a horrid little obsessed life of its own, I'm sad to say.  At first, I was thrilled that I could actually have this ongoing peek into their lives...
But, the whole thing was such a farce, to begin with... I also knew that J was still "out there"...
still prowling the internet for anonymous or otherwise sexual liassons,
while his "domestically partnered wife" (I'm sure he never used that term)  was trying so
desperately hard to BELIEVE that he was "recovering."

http://www.flickr.com/photos/notionscapital/5049127008/sizes/z/in/set-72157604000142049/

Friday, November 6, 2009 
Order Out Of Chaos

I have mentioned several times before, and I'm sure that I will again, that I am each day waking up to an entirely new, different and fresh set of emotions. I just wish there was the gift of choice with emotions....but you feel what you feel when you feel it. I can choose to have either egg whites

egg whites?

or cereal for breakfast but I unfortunately cannot choose which side dish of misery, or pain or anxiety or anger or sadness or confusion will accompany it.
 
yeah.

What came out in therapy last night was somehow new and shocking and equally as devastating as what I've already heard but was at the same time remarkably liberating.

 
okay... I'm all eyes... 8-)

The simple fact was made evident that my partner doesn't know what he wants or what he's feeling, doesn't know whether he's an addict or someone who just doesn't want to be monogamous, doesn't know if indeed it is an addiction at all or is something he can "control", and doesn't know who he is in general.
 
oh please...

Are these all valid "normal" questions for someone in his shoes? Maybe yes. Is he in denial? Maybe yes also.
 

not "maybe"--- definitely, YES, but this is typical minimizing, denying, thinking of ALL Sex Addicts and often their partners, if they are co-addicted.

Our therapist in fact turned to me and spoke with a very sympathetic heart, validating his feelings while remaining acutely aware of how painful it was for me to hear them.
 
now THAT is pure genius!

After these words had been released and I could find my breath again I soldiered on and was able to find my way somehow through the rest of that brutal session. What was shocking and more devastating to hear was the seemingly callous nature in which this information was shared, and the admitted lack of remorse there had been each time he had strayed, and the further admission to not knowing if "WE" were what he wants, and if monogamy was for him or any man for that matter.

Whoa!!! Psycho-Domestically-Partnered-Husband-Dude is finally showing his true colors.  But there it is... The core belief held by Predator that this is his "right as a man"... that NO man can help himself from this type of activity.  But, if this were true, then it would be the ACCEPTED practice, by EVERYONE, and that simply is not the case.

What I hours later found surprisingly liberating was the fact that there is nothing I can do about it all. I have been trying to cope, to fix, to help, to support, to understand and to wait patiently for answers.
 
Hmmm... there are always answers, my dear... They just aren't the ones you are hoping to hear.

But like all the books have been telling me, I'm not going to get or be able to do any of these things for probably a long time, and I must admit my utter powerlessness over this situation. Up until last night I was not really able to understand that concept-at all. Out therapist in fact said to me point blank, what if you were to "let go" of this situation for a while, what would happen? While I desperately tried to understand that she didn't mean let go of "him" I at the same time knew it was what I had to do in order to begin "MY" healing process.
 
I am desperately trying to understand why you desperately are trying to interpret the therapists meaning in "letting go".

Even though I had begun the healing in earnest a few weeks ago I didn't really have the first clue what it meant or how to do it.
 
That is just not true. You cannot begin to heal until you face the ENTIRE situation, Dee. What you have done is to sell your soul... and there is a big difference between that and true healing. Where are YOUR boundaries???

Awareness doesn't stop the questions that are left pervading, lingering, and INvading my every thought. Am I wrong to want monogamy?
 
absolutely not!!! and don't you dare let predator attempt to convince you otherwise.

I've always felt it goes somewhat against nature and have discussed such things with my partner, but concluded long ago that I am ultimately more satisfied and fulfilled in an intimate one-on-one relationship. I did not think I was alone in this,

the con.

so then why did he stay? He could have been living the lifestyle he wanted and needed 

so why keep me in the picture and dupe me and string me along into some kind of fantasy of life and love everlasting? 

I would dare say that these are also normal and healthy feelings for me to have, even though there is currently no therapist in my presence to validate "me".

Why don't you have one, not to "validate" you, but simply to listen and coach and help you understand the total picture as it exists? I do, and I have had many discussions with her about this very thing Dee--- and its like this.  J is a very sick man.  In good ol' sadistic fashion,  what "fun" would it be if he couldn't also fuck you over while also getting his orgasmic dopamine rush? You are the perfect trusting, sweet PATSY... and they are not that easy to find... and you make him look good. That's why... 


and also he needs your half of the rent. :)  

But knowing what you need to do and actually DOING it are two very different things. I'm not a light switch that can be turned on and off. And I'm not saying it's something I'm remotely looking forward to or that it will be easy. What I am looking onward to is just that-looking onward. Something that will propel me out of this current stuck and stagnantly awful place I'm in. I'll attempt to take the control out of it because I have none.

I think this is an important lesson for most of us in so many areas of our lives and its never easy.

Some days will certainly be easier than others in which I might fail miserably or most likely regress backward. At least it's a plan, and at least today, for the time being, I don't wish to jump off a bridge. That's an improvement.
 
Posted by Dee at 8:50 AM
 

Monday, November 9, 2009

Just Trying To Matter

When Reese Witherspoon made her Oscar acceptance speech for Walk the Line a few years ago, she humbly thanked the real-life woman who she portrayed in the film-June Carter-Cash. She went on to describe how when anyone asked Ms. Cash how she was doing on any given day, her pat response was to say "Oh I'm just tryin' to matter"! It could not be a more apropos way to describe my every futile attempt lately at simply living-trying to just put one foot in front of the other and proceed onward out into the human race.

But everything still feels bleak and hopeless far too often.
 
I can imagine.

It's become a familiar feeling and thought pattern that I just can't seem to break no matter how hard I try. A call has been made to my doctor to go on some anti-depressants which will hopefully provide some relief or "managagement" of this state I'm stuck in. I'll walk the streets and passing looks from strangers quickly become interpreted as slights and/or insults that cause me to want to lash out and accuse or insult in return.
 
Is your doctor just prescribing meds without a consult and/or recommending therapy?  (for yourself, alone!)

My french press broke the other morning as I was making my much needed and solace-filled cup of java and I almost wanted to slash my wrist with one of the hundreds of shards of glass that remained.
 
pills are better... less messy.

The pavement that I walk upon seems unnervingly uneven lately 

are you just noticing this??? Its New York City!!! ;)


and I manage not to miss twisting my ankle at least once a day which used to depress me for fear of the interruption of my dance career but instead of the fear of a career interrupted there lies no career or life to interrupt.
 
I know... its a cruel reality that a 40-yr-old woman who is at the height of her beauty is relegated to the side-lines in favor of the newest, youngest thing to come along... but that's show biz.  There's still  a place for you though. You have the talent and the credentials to go places, Dee.

I feel like a walking Alanis Morissette song-so ironic, so bitter and so angry-chick-like.
 
for now...

I so felt like I was a "somebody" a few years ago or at least I was living in that blissfully ignorant state that fooled me into thinking I was. I signed autographs outside stage doors, I received verbal and sometimes wtitten, published accolades for my work, I had drive, I had purpose and I followed my passion-in short, I mattered.

I don't feel like I matter much today-but I promise to try tomorrow or the next day.
 
I guess, what I want to know is why... does HE matter more than you do?
 
Posted by Dee at 10:19 AM

And this is the first post y'all saw... but I'd like to make some comments...

Monday, December 21, 2009
Monogomy or Bust?

It's been a common question throughout history actually no big shocker there really. We're always asking ourselves can I stay with this one person for the rest of my life, really? Can I never have sex with another again? For those of us who are able to stay vigilant and aware of our feelings from day to day and year to year, we can admit that we all get bored every once in a while; we get tired of monotony, we want variety.

History has proven, and it only takes turning on the TV these days or opening any number of news publications or browsing the internet to notice that monogamy is a pretty rare thing indeed and virtually impossible to achieve.
 
No, its not. I have been monogamous my entire life. I get it completely. When I'm in love with a man, there simply are NO other men... and besides... there are all those nasty little diseases floating around. Hope you're up to date with your paps and STD testing.

Does it go against our animal instincts and primal inclinations? Does it make us these oddly tamed, unfulfilled people? Maybe yes to both. But I dare to say as the cockeyed optimist that I am that, is there not still virtue in WANTING only that one person who you love so deeply? And wanting them to just want you? At times now does it seem so un-"cool", uncommon, un-progressive and simply unrealistic though to want and expect these things?

When you're dealing with the subject of sex addiction/compulsion all this becomes quite the normal, and in fact healthy dialogue to be having both with yourself and you partner, in or outside of therapy.
 
uh oh... in theory yes... but...

I made the unfortunate choice last night to ask for more "disclosure" of his history. I wonder what exactly was going through my sub-conscious mind
 
survival instinct?

that prompted me to seek answers and some more"closure" in his "disclosure" on this, a few days before Christmas when my family arrives.
 
WHOA!!!!!!!!!!! Stop the presses!!!!!!!!!!

 
UNFORTUNATE CHOICE??????? To ask Predator about the TRUTH of HIS BETRAYAL of his fidelity to YOU, the woman he supposedly loves and cherishes MORE than any other human being on the planet???
 
This, the first Christmas my family is spending here with us, the first since I moved to the city all those years ago. I guess I just didn't want it to be full of fake and phony-ness. 
  
Its been nothing BUT fake and phony, from the get go... so what's the difference now?

I didn't want to continue this "blissful" happy world he and I have been living in for one more day without making sure it was for real and that we could be together in front of my family and know that they would NOT have to hear a couple months down the line that we're no longer together. I wanted immediate resolve, instant "all-better-ness", a quick fix of our entirely wounded world. 
It was in some ways so cruel of me to choose that moment to make us bare our wounds again but it was certainly not pre-meditated or consciously ulterior.
 
I really want to give you a good hard cyber shaking and I'm sure my readers do too!  CRUEL??? All you did was AKS ;)  him to clue you into WHAT the hell he has been up to behind your naive trusting little back and then... he gives you the cold shoulder?  What a guy... but, instead, you turn it all around and kick yourself, instead of HIM! Why are you not absolutely ripping his balls off???
 
But I regret it nonetheless if only because of the tension that looms once again, and the awkwardness and fear and anxiety that has also, inevitably reappeared.

It feels so good when you finally take your hand off the hot burning stove... well, not at first... but eventually, it does.

So what is it about monogamy that is so difficult to wrap our brains around? When I think of being faithful and committed it doesn't instill fear or anxiety-only happiness and excitement about what's to come with spending life with this person.
 
That is so beautiful Dee... It makes me wanna cry for you and all women who are the victims of any kind of abusive relationship.

Yes after a while the "itch" comes in and the attraction to other people is ALWAYS there and those who can't admit that are simply kidding themselves. The question I had for him though is instead of feeling like you don't know if you can ever "not" be with other women again and are terrified of giving a promise you can't keep why not search and admit that you need to dig so much deeper to figure out what else may have been going on? (And by all means, to his credit, it is what he has been admirably attempting to do each week in therapy).
 
Oh my... you cannot believe the stories he confided in me about his family... of course... who knows what's fact or fiction? But, even if half of it's true... oh boy...

 
Because for all intents and purposes everything he's described feeling before he first stepped out of our relationship for the first time, I felt also. But we simply made different choices. What's wrong with me I often ask for making that choice?
 

nothing at all. absolutely nothing. He's the one with the problem.

While he realizes the WAY he went about things was so completely wrong and the worst form of betrayal, he admits that it was just a primal natural thing to have pursued and plagues himself with the lingering doubts, questions and fears about the future and how he can live "without" all that. Is it possible? Can he give me and make the promises to me of a life without being with other women ever again?
 
Apparently not. but it is also apparent to me, that he still has no qualms in fucking you over and hood-winking you.

There is so much confusion surrounding this issue for both of us but becomes intensely magnified for him.
 
Where's the confusion hun?  He's a sociopath and feels entitled to screw as many women as he can get his slimy paws on while pretending that YOU are his one and only true "love."  God forbid if you become disabled and can no longer bring in that "extra" income.

His therapist told him a very wise yet simple thing by saying "you just want answers, don't you?" He of course wants and deserves some answers to help him figure out what it is that led him to take these primal, very common desires to the next several levels until life had spun out of control causing so much destruction along the way.
 
Well... she's wise enough not to say that he's a borderline psychopathic sexual predator with shades of narcissistic personality disorder and AD/HD, because then he would walk out and she would lose her $200 dollar a week gig with this dude. My therapist was wise enough to clue me into the truth about predator and she calls you a "place holder." I realize that is a very hurtful thing to be called, but it totally fits.

What made him do this to someone he claims to love so deeply?
 
See above.

Is an "Open Relationship" the answer?
 
Oh, God no!!!!!!!!!

Supposedly many people live very fulfilling lives this way but the catch, and the key ingredient of course must be the agreement of both partners. Both people need to be ultra clear and open about their goals and be on board 100% of the time every step of the way or else it all falls apart.
 
clear and open, huh??? that's a laugh.

I need to study and research the success level of such partnerships a bit more perhaps, not so much for some permission to try this kind of life-style but as another piece of information that will help me form ways of coping and dealing with my future.
 
Study? Oh my... This is akin to taking an alcoholic to a bar... up to you... I wouldn't go there, and besides, you'll absolutely hate it and feel even worse and more worthless than you already do. sorry, but this is the reality of this "lifestyle."

Onward to Christmas....more to come hopefully before the New Year. "New Year" takes on a whole "new" meaning literally this time around.

Posted by Dee at 7:34 AM

***
Early in January, I had a call from my doctor's nurse.  I had completely forgotten about the blood tests that I had had about 10 days earlier.

I was absolutely shocked when she blurted out, "You have Lyme Disease"... Both Titers came out conclusively POSITIVE.

I had to wait to get my antibiotic as Christian was going to South America for a gig! wow!

But, at least I finally had an explanation for all of the strange aches and pains and malaise I was having.

A few days later... Dee wrote her final post on this particular blog.

It was an entry about her and predator having sex... again for the first time since D-day.