a scary (and true) ballet story

Have y'all seen Black Swan?

I did with my mommy, the other day. Have to say that the acting is terrific.

Natalie Portman nailed the part of a young, ambitious, emotionally strangulated ballerina living with the stage mother from hell, (or as Barbara Hershey said, "in hell").

perfection.


the dancing??? uhhhh... well... for the average non-dancer, it would be fine, but mostly pretty bad for us trained dancers. (actually, just found out that a lovely young friend of mine that I've been dancing with for years was a dancing double in the film and found out that even WHEN you think its Natalie dancing, it often is not!) but the movie on the whole, really transcends that. As a matter of fact, the dancing is really not all that important. The character, Nina could've been a musician, or an actress or a singer... and it could've been a very similar story.

Its just that the dancer's instrument is her body and this film embodies that essence.

Is the ballet world really like that?

In a word. yes. It can be.  i have seen more than one dancer crack--- attempt suicide and die from starvation.

Its a brutal art, not for the faint of heart.


I was in a ballet cult.

I know... I'll let you process that for a sec and then I'll come back.




Okay, fire away. I'm ready.

"Ballet cult?" Lexie... huh? That sounds like an oxymoron if there ever was one! what the hell does that mean?

Well, of course, we all know about religious cults where members become so embroiled in the philosophy of the leaders and its doctrines, no matter how bizarre or dangerous, that they will lose themselves and furthermore will actually become completely disengaged from their real loved ones. It seems impossible that one person can so influence a whole group to actually go ahead with a mass suicide, for instance, but having lived through something, not quite that extreme, (but bad enough), I DO completely get it.

There are secular cults as well... and a ballet/school company is a veritable petrie dish of an environment for which this evil kind of society can easily breed and thrive.

People who begin cults are cunning, intelligent, delusional, lying, exaggerating, and most frighteningly, very believable.  They work by instilling fear in their targets. (victims). They suffer from delusions of grandeur and an exaggerated sense of self. They themselves, suffer from personality disorders such as anti-social personality disorder and narcissism. They are CON artists and lack empathy. It is interesting to note, that they may not be overtly wishing to create harm, but the end result is the same.

There have been many people who have written about cults and how they are formed. I have researched this as well, and will break down some of the elements, as it pertained to my experience in a ballet cult. Then, I'll explain what happened to me.

Cult leaders rely on techniques of mind control which they exercise on their victims. But, here is basically how it works as it relates to the ballet world:

Aspiring ballet dancers are by definition young, naive, impressionable, ambitious, desiring to please their mentors/teachers/directors; willing to follow blindly once they believe that there is no other viable choice.

A ballet cult leader will not of course, call themselves as such.

They use mind and behavioral control techniques to reshape and regulate their targets into believing in a "totalist ideology".

This is sometimes also known as "milieu control"

I. Indoctrination techniques include:

1) subjection to immense stress and fatigue (extremely rigorous DAILY training, beyond the norm)
2) social isolation to some extent
3) fear, anxiety paranoia
4) controlling  of information

This may then go on to include:

1) where, how and with whom the members associate with
2) what clothes, colors, makeup, hairstyles the person wears
3) what foods the person eats, drinks, adopts and rejects
4) little or no time spent on leisure, entertainment,(except approved entertainment) vacations
5) the need to ask permission for major life decisions
6) Rewards and punishments (behavior modification techniques- positive and negative).
7) Individualism discouraged; group think prevails
8) Rigid rules and regulations

II. Information Control

1. Use of deception, holding back information, minimizing, exaggeration and outright lying
  2. Compartmentalization of information-- SACRED INFORMATION, or special knowledge known only to the leaders (the ONLY "original" "correct" choreography)

  a. Information is not freely accessible (they are the ONLY people who know this)
  b. Information varies at different levels and missions within pyramid (there is a pecking order within the group)
  c. Leadership decides who "needs to know" what


III. Thought Control

1. Need to internalize the group's doctrine as "Truth"

  a. Black and White thinking (our way or no way)
  b. Good vs. evil
  c. Us vs. them (inside vs. outside)

2. Adopt "loaded" language (characterized by "thought-terminating cliches"). Words are the tools we use to think with. These "special" words constrict rather than expand understanding. They function to reduce complexities of experience into trite, platitudinous "buzz words".

3. Only "good" and "proper" thoughts are encouraged.

4. Thought-stopping techniques (to shut down "reality testing" by stopping "negative" thoughts and allowing only "good" thoughts); rejection of rational analysis, critical thinking, constructive criticism.

  a. Denial, rationalization, justification, wishful thinking, mocking other ways. "they are misguided", "delusional", "misinformed", "tacky", "vulgar", "laughable", but so as to be believable, there will be a FEW who DO meet their RIGOROUS standards, but they are either dead, very old, or very far away.

5. No critical questions about leader, doctrine, or policy seen as legitimate (nor is it even considered appropriate)

6. No alternative  system viewed as legitimate, good, or useful. (Our way is the best and all others are bad and not only bad, but will harmful!)

IV. Emotional Control

  1. Manipulate and narrow the range of a person’s feelings.
  2. Excessive use of fear

  a. Fear of thinking independently, enemies (other dancers/companies), fear of leaving the group or being ostracized by the group),
  b. FEAR OF DISAPPROVAL  OF ANY KIND.
 
5. Extremes of emotional highs and lows.

  a. Extreme praise will be intermittently alternate with insults and the victim lives in fear of rejection and insult.

  6. Phobia indoctrination : programming of irrational fears of ever leaving the group or even questioning the leader's authority. The person under mind control  cannot visualize a positive, fulfilled future without being in the group.

  a. No happiness or fulfillment "outside" of the group
  b. Terrible consequences will take place if you leave
  c. Shunning (ostracizing) of leave takers
  d. Never a legitimate reason to leave. people who leave are: "weak"; "undisciplined", "brainwashed" by family, seduced by  money, or fame, but always with unfortunate results



Here is my true story:


Remember those "people", I mentioned in my last post that I studied with the summer, I graduated high school in 1973? This is about that experience.

First some background:

My sister, Mistletoe started taking ballet when she was 24 in a ballet studio in Menlo Park, California. (a town neighboring Palo Alto). For all of my English friends, it was a RAD (Royal Academy of Dance) ballet school and so very good in its ballet pedagogy.  I visited my sister the following summer (1970) when I was 14 and was totally blown away--- bitten by the ballet bug. BIG TIME!

That was it. My future was set in stone. I was going to be a classical ballerina and nothing was going to stop me.

Everything WAS beautiful at the ballet...  It embodied everything I adored... exquisite music, art, athleticism-- sheer beauty and the girls were so lovely and graceful. The first year was a bit slow, because I was still living in Indiana, and a good studio was impossible to find, but after that... things started to really take off. Mom and I moved to Wisconsin in June and then I studied at a great school in Wisconsin that had a small regional ballet company and then later in the summer, I went to Cali for a whole month to visit my sister and took an intensive ballet workshop with her at the RAD ballet school in Menlo Park. That summer was like 3 years of training. I was 15.5 and absorbed everything like a sponge. At the end of August, I went back to continue my new life in Wisconsin. Just my mom and me.

I have more to say about my time in Wisconsin, because its a wonderful story, but during those two years, I had reached an unusually advanced level, especially for starting so late. I had talent. My last year of high school (which was my junior/senior year, in one) I auditioned and was accepted at the University of Utah and was to start there, at the end of August of 1973.  But, before I went to the audition at holiday time, in 1972, mom and I visited Mistletoe, and she told me about this AMAZING teacher that had taught at the school at Menlo Park where she and I had studied the previous summer.  The teacher, Lorin Lufart and his wife Stasi Asteria had opened up a brand new studio in Foster City which is about 25 minutes from San Francisco. (a place in the middle of San Francisco Bay that is fittingly built on landfill made of garbage). They had taken the top dancers from the Menlo Park studio and also started a very small chamber ballet company.  Mistletoe had studied with Mr. Lufart at the Menlo Park studio and told me that he was the best teacher she had ever studied with and that all of the girls made immense improvements under his tutelage. It is obvious, that Mr. Lufart's tenure at the MP Studio, was purely for his own purposes--- to recruit for himself, the best dancers into his own school.

Mistletoe, Mom and I went to the new studio and first I took a class with Miss Asteria. Mr. Lufart's wife and then I watched the following class which was the "company class" and comprised of about 6 dancers and four of them, were girls that I had known from the studio in Menlo Park, the previous two summers. The girls had been very accomplished to begin with, but now, after only a few months with Mr. Lufart and Miss Asteria, they were absolutely incredible. (in my young, naive opinion)

Miss Asteria had a regal kind of beauty. She looked to be around 35 or so. (but probably about 40). She taught, sitting in her chair with her feet up on a small stool. She demonstrated the steps with her lovely, perfectly manicured hands, with fingernails filed into sharp points. She certainly LOOKED like a world class ballerina--- thin, tall, long, race horse sleek, tapering legs and lovely beautifully arched long feet. Her make up was flawless,( in the manner of a Hollywood actress from the 40s) adorning the requisite small ballerina head. In this case, it was covered with slightly wavy, flame red hair pulled back into a neat bun and all atop a long, graceful swan neck. She was relaxed, yet in control. Disciplined, but not mean. She was kind and warm to mom, sis and me and very complimentary of my dancing. I felt an instant liking to her. She felt that she could help me overcome a few "bad habits" and help me attain more strength and technique. So... it was decided. In June I would come back to Cali and study with the Lufarts, before starting college the following fall.  perfect. lovely.

This would give me the necessary boost I needed to gain more strength and technique before beginning my college studies as a dance major in Utah. (BTW, this was considered to be one of the top two or three University Ballet Programs at the time, in the USA and I believe that it still is.)

California, June 1973

I graduated high school in June, a year early and then as expected, flew out to Cali to live with my sis and study with the Lufarts as planned. I was excited and nervous to begin with them and so very much wanted to make the most of the experience.

Their school in Foster City was small and immaculately clean to the point of being sterile.  We had stringent rules about hygiene and dress code, which was a black long or sleeveless leotard, pink tights, and a finely knit white or pink acrylic sweater and hand made, full length, leg warmers, (fortunately, my mom could knit) in white or pink.

There were only two classes, taught each day, (except for Saturday when there were three classes)-- The Company Class and my class which consisted of me and about 2 other teen-agers who were at about the same level as I was. On Saturday, there was only one ballet class followed by a one hour grueling stretch class, followed by a one hour "character" class, which embodied, different styles such as Spanish, Russian, jazz and tap.

The information that we were given about the Lufarts is that they were of German/French origin. They had trained under master ballet teachers at the Paris Opera and had had impressive credentials including their "guest artist" stints in Hamburg, Cologne, The Paris Opera AND, The New York City Ballet. They had each danced lead roles from all of the classics such as Swan Lake, Giselle, La Bayadere, etc. There was certainly no reason for anyone to doubt the veracity of anything they espoused or revealed about themselves and in that day and age, of course, it would've been almost impossible to find out.

(as an aside, from my current knowledge) I can tell you now that they have NEVER danced with any of these companies. They were burlesque dancers, and not even the lead burlesque dancers. They were soloists who danced with the Folies Bergeres in the 60s. I have a PDF copy of a program from the sixties as proof. There is NO WAY that they could've EVER even come close to dancing with the NYCB or ANY of those companies. I told this to a teacher who's ex wife was a ballerina there, and he laughed his head off at the notion.)

In addition, Miss Asteria had the (self-proclaimed) distinction of being a "Prima Ballerina Assoluta". Literally, this is the highest title that can be bestowed on a ballerina, but the only ballerina I know to actually have achieved this title was Margot Fonteyn, and perhaps these three, Alexandra Danilova, Alicia Markova, and Alica Alonso. These three ballerinas had their hey day in the 40s and 50s and had illustrious and long, long international careers. Mme Danilova, also became a celebrated teacher.  But... the title was given TO them, by the ballet world and definitely never self-proclaimed.

Mr. Lufart was given the distinction of premier danseur, which simply means first dancer.

Their version of classical ballet was touted as being the ONLY CORRECT PURE FORM OF CLASSICAL BALLET; it came handed down, straight from Russia, via The Paris Opera. It was the ONLY correct, pure form of classical ballet and only THEY possessed this knowledge. (in this country)

We were never allowed to study with any OTHER teachers. never. no way. Other companies and other schools' version of "ballet" was VULGAR, and taught incorrectly.  We would pick up BAD HABITS. THIS, (their method, was the ONLY pure CLASSICAL BALLET METHOD IN THE ENTIRE WORLD) Other teachers/schools did not teach "properly". We were warned that if we left them, and studied with someone else, we would:

1) get fat
2) get thunder thighs (a fate, even worse than getting fat)
3) lose our technique/strength and learn "bad habits"
4) would not ever be "good enough" to be professional ballerinas
5) it was their way or else choose a different career.


All of the above was drummed into our heads on a DAILY basis and example after example was given, over and over of many dancers who left them and failed, dancers that they "knew" back in Europe who left the "system" and subsequently failed or dancers that they knew from other schools that failed or had ugly legs... To explain how some dancers succeeded (in other companies) the reason given was that they were "flukes" (which they are, anyway) --- but just exceptionally talented (which of course they are, anyway) and were able to OVERCOME, all of the "bad training" and had perfect bodies and were just naturally talented so all of the bad training made no difference to them. But, for US, who were close to the ideal but just a little less fortunate, (in my case because I had started so late), we would need their very pure, very intense, methodology to have ANY hope of success. Our bodies would hold up better. We would have long, sleek muscles (like Miss Asteria, presumably) and would rise to the top or our profession as the Lufarts had done. right. perfectly logical, if one is young and dumb.

Having long sleek muscles is a "body type."  Yes, bad training can accentuate any leaning towards stockiness and bulk, but it doesn't create it. Its just not possible!


The Lufart's ballet class:

Was exceptionally rigorous and eccentric. So, from that standpoint, they were correct. Their class WAS like none other and since it was so incredibly demanding in an aerobic, almost gymnastic kind of way; it certainly did build a kind of endurance, and therefore strength, but... it was quite eccentric in its structure, placement and simplistic, overly repetitive and never changing combinations. I have never taken another class anything like it and I have studied with dozens of teachers, since then... Many that were or are, world class dancers and/or master teachers and the Lufart's training was not the end all and be all, that they claimed it to be. One of the biggest problems is that the combinations which only contained 2 or 3 steps did not prepare dancers to work with other choreographers or teachers and therefore did not prepare them for a real professional career. moot point.

However, at that time, the belief was that theirs was the highest art. The ONLY PURE AUTHENTIC version of CLASSICAL BALLET. Everyone else in the ballet world was VULGAR and just plain, WRONG. Almost ALL other training was BAD training which caused bulky muscles, big thighs... as I said before on and on... Other dancers and groups were scoffed at and poked fun of, whether warranted or not. Since we idolized the Lufarts and wanted to be like them, we hung onto their every word. In addition--- their version of the classics consisted of the ORIGINAL CHOREOGRAPHY, that the Lufart's kept tucked away into the deep recesses of their noggins. Somehow, the Lufart's remembered EVERY SINGLE step of every part that was EVER choreographed dozens of years earlier by the Russian masters.  It was easy to accept all of this on the pure belief that we were being fed the truth. Either it was all true, or it was all a lie.  I'll let you be the judge.


Mr. Lufart sometimes taught too and he was far less serious; much more laid back than Miss Asteria. He was dancing in ballets from the moment I arrived and to my 17-yr-old eyes, he was the most amazing thing ever. He would partner the other young girls (in the ballets that were never performed). I absolutely marveled at Mr. Lufart's "technique." In retrospect, he WAS a very good "character" dancer and quite agile and acrobatic, but he was not really a classical male dancer, by any means. He was a very small, wiry man, with spindly legs, that were accentuated with bulky leg warmers bunched up around his very thin ankles.  He did turn like a top, however and did split leaps that took my breath away. I was enthralled and even had a bit of a crush on him. He was very charismatic and I and all of the other girls thought he walked on water.  Miss  Asteria was our very own "Goddess/Greta Garbo-finishing-school-mentor-arbiter of all things cultured, tasteful; the epitome of feminine beauty, to our young eyes.  All we wanted to do was to please them and we would do whatever it took.

When I arrived in the summer of 1973, Miss Asteria, was still working on "getting her strength back" from an almost fatal case of "peritonitis" (I wonder how the hell she got that!!!) She encouraged us to follow a special diet that she claimed had saved her life, called... the "mucousless diet and healing system" by Arnold Ehret.

Sounds good, huh?

Here's the book cover.

Intense dude, no?

"Ehret claimed that pus- and mucus-forming foods were the cause of human disease and that "schleimlose" (slime-free---YUM!!!) foods were the key to human health and "fasting (simply eating less) is Nature's omnipotent method of cleansing the body from the effects of wrong and too much eating." The diet, ultimately consisted of ONLY fruit, but in the "transition" diet, vegetables were permitted, but absolutely no meat, dairy and things of that nature.

Miss Asteria said that because of our "work" (dancing) that we "needed" just a bit more... (ya think?) So she advocated eating vegetables and nuts were okay too, but to avoid meat and dairy. 

The class alone, must've burned up a good 700-800 calories, so I started losing weight immediately, even though I was already very thin, to begin with.

Please keep in mind that we were all between the ages of 15-22 and "working" each day at a ballet class that was the equivalent of running for an hour and a half--- Six days a week.

I was a bit rebellious and didn't buy into the whole thing as much as some of the girls and I ate whatever I felt like; I had been a proponent for healthier eating for years already, and felt I knew what my body needed,  but a couple of the girls took it extremely seriously. One of the super talented dancers, really deteriorated over the 2.5 years that I was there. Her skin was very dry and her lips were extremely cracked.

Anything bad that happened or injury or deterioration was attributed to a witch.

The Lufarts must've been independently wealthy because the school only consisted of the "company" which was 6 dancers, plus them, and about 3 or 4 other dancers in total.  I doubt that was enough revenue to even cover their rent on the studio. Obviously, they weren't in it for the money.  It did occur to me, that something had happened back "home" and they had been "black-listed", but the mind dismisses these obvious flags as not that important.

Miss Asteria was probably about 40, but of course, she never let on her real age. She was a combo of the ballerinas Moira Shearer (of the red shoes) and Tamara Toumanova. (more about that later) Now, we never actually saw her dance.  Supposedly, she "worked out" for 4 hours each day, before we arrived for our own class every afternoon. She was extremely rigid in her schedule and expectations. I often wondered what "her" class was really like. I was only 17 and could barely get through the 90 minute class that she gave and I had trouble comprehending how a woman at least 20 years older than I could do 3 times that much, each and every day.  There is no way this woman could have ever done what she made US do. just no way.

Mistletoe and I did think she was a bit odd and laughed at the sheet that she sent home which reminded everyone to wash out our dance clothes daily and to not forget to wear deodorant to avoid having any pleasant ODOURS, (which we pronounced in a very exaggerated phoney English way). But of course, they were ballet artistes and from Europe and so some small "eccentricities" were to be expected.

Around mid-August, Mr Lufart came to me one day for a "chat". I idolized his every word. He asked me what I was planning to do and I told him that I was going to be leaving in a couple of weeks for the University of Utah.

He was very kind, but he looked quite concerned and calmly told me that I must not do that if I really wanted to become a professional ballet dancer. He told me that he and Miss Asteria thought that I had what it took...

"You must stay with us, Lexie.... You have made such incredible progress with us, and if you leave, you will lose it all and you won't ever become strong enough to become a real professional.."

and then he dangled this chocolate covered carrot in front of me.

"We are working on some new pieces and we were planning on using you in them. "

I believed  every line he fed me.

They continued their campaign to get me to stay and I ate it up. These were the words, I was longing to hear. This was my CHANCE to SUCCEED!!! I so wanted to be a ballerina! With the strenuous work, and mostly vegetarian diet, I had gone from a very thin 115 lbs down to 110 lbs. For my sturdy, 5'7 muscular frame, I was as skinny as could be. I have to say that I did look pretty damned perfect and I HAD gotten so much "stronger" doing their rigorous technique every day. 

What I hadn't realized, was that I had already PEAKED in their "system." There was no where for me to go, but down.

I talked with Mistletoe and we convinced my mom to let me stay and go to the community college nearby.

And so, I never went to the University of Utah.

I stayed with the LuFarts for over 2 more years.

This is some of what happened during that time.







After several months, in February, Mistletoe decided to go back to college in Santa Barbara and I had JUST turned 18. So, at that still very young age, I was now living entirely on my own. In many ways, living with Mistletoe, WAS already like living on my own, but still...

About a year after I came, my favorite dancer in the company, a girl named Claudette left suddenly. No reason. No good-bye. No word. nothing. She was an exquisite naturally gifted ballerina. Absolutely, gorgeous and to this day, it is a mystery why she left and so suddenly. Maybe a flash of sanity? I doubt it.

For weeks, now that this girl was GONE, came a barrage of insults and dissing and humiliating this poor girl, by the Lufarts. "She will never succeed at anything. She is a failure. She blew it. She is crazy. demented. unstable."  "She didn't have what it takes, too bad." They even poked fun of her dancing which was completely absurd. She was phenomenally gorgeous.

The message was clear and never veering. If YOU leave *US*, you will suffer a lifelong fate worse than death.

There was no choice but to stay.  It was "stay, or else."  Although, there was no overt threat, that was the message inherent in their every word.

We had "costume fittings" for costumes that never appeared and rehearsals for performances that never materialized either. (because of the witch, was the typical excuse)

My life outside of ballet was very limited. The classes were so unbelievably strenuous that I needed to be sure to leave enough energy to be able to do the 5:00 class and rehearsal if I had one. I did go to college but then, at 3:00... everything stopped. Then came the process of getting ready for  CLASS.

Shortly after I decided to stay, I went back to Wisconsin to visit my mom and then returned to Cali. Vacations were normally not allowed, but since I was only 17 and my mother lived so far away, Miss A made an exception, that ONE time. I returned and got the most vicious cold of my life which morphed into the most vile bronchitis I had in my life.

We were never allowed to miss our ballet class... no matter what-- no matter HOW sick.

I kept getting sicker and sicker. Miss A had me go out and get some camphor oil which came in a blue bottle. I was to inhale the camphor oil in a bowl of hot water or some nonsense. I really needed to see a doctor, but somehow that suggestion never came up. She would heal me and bring me back to health with her camphor oil remedy.

Despite being ill for days and days, I came to class and had attacks of not being able to catch my breath and collapsed under the pressure of not being able to catch my breath or breathe which created a very loud noise, as I was gasping to get any small amount of air into my lungs.  I know this sounds very dramatic, but it was truly scary. Mr. Lufart only mocked me, as if I had any control over this. He would just stand there, laughing at me. Can you believe that?

But, he was like god to me... so I accepted this treatment.

In retrospect, I think I'm lucky to be alive.

After I decided to stay, I continued my college studies at the local community college which I enjoyed.(and I still have fond memories of) I didn't have any friends outside of the company and rarely had a date... but I now took the "company" class and had some small roles in the ballets that were never performed.

The following year, I needed to make more money, so I took a few different horrible part-time jobs instead of going to college.

After Claudette left things started changing even more.

The second summer, I had to have four impacted wisdom teeth out and was on powerful pain meds which made me so sick and still... I had to come to class... and only got sicker and finally had to stay home, because I was too weak to get out of bed and was chastised brutally when I returned on Monday.

Sick days were not permitted. Vacations were not allowed. That is... if we REALLY wanted to become professional dancers. It required ABSOLUTE dedication and perseverance.

total crap. In fact, vacations are necessary and vital! But, this was not normal.

It all became more and more bizarre and weird as time went on... For at times, the Lufarts were kind and generous and complimentary.  We all longed for that enthusiastic "bravo" with a step that was "well done."  Wanting the approval and the acceptance we would do whatever was necessary to achieve that.

Miss Asteria would come and join us for our Saturday stretch time/character class, however, and regale us with stories from the old country and her youth. We also talked about old movies, old movie stars, The Beatles and other "select subjects". Miss Asteria told us how to dress, do our nails, eat, drink, wear our hair, makeup, what to read, listen to and do in our spare time. In other words, she pretty much controlled our lives. Or at least  tried to. I went along with all of the weirdnesses as this was now, my "family."

All of us started dying our hair (mine was auburn) and wearing more and more and bizarre eye make up (YES, just like in black swan--- only we would walk around town like that! haha!) We even changed our names to names that were more exotic.  I became Alexandra O'Mara, since my first name was okay. Irish/Jewish. That works. ;)

Occasionally, I socialized with the other girls. We would meet outside of class (on our one day off, Sunday) and eat vegetables,marinated in vinegar and oil and talk about ballet, movies, makeup, clothes--- normal young girl stuff. My best friend was Gretchen and we usually carpooled. She was a bit of a "free spirit", but totally devoted to the LuFarts and their teachings.  Over the many months we became quite close.

Paula, who was the oldest and acted in capacity as "dance captain" of sorts, but she was the one who took things the most seriously and who had deteriorated the most. Lisa and Gail were sisters and probably the most "normal" of all of us. The first year, Gail and I took a modeling class together, which was fun.

I don't remember how this started, but we were encouraged to shop lift and since money was so tight, it seemed like a good way to get some necessary clothing, and other things I wanted or needed. (even though I knew it was wrong.)  We would all come back to class and tell what we had taken that day. And it was looked at with great favor. How confusing! It felt at the time, like the world owed me something.  (In retrospect, I think the world DID owe me something, but that wasn't the way to get it!).

Over time, Mr. Lufart began to make jokes about us dancing like virgins and laughing and mocking us and this went on for months and months. It was humiliating and embarrassing.  Lisa was only 15, when I first arrived and certainly underage and Gail, Gretchen and I weren't far behind at only 17.

He would ask us questions about our personal lives and make assumptions and belittle us in one way or another. I'm sure he was horrifically unhappy in this little suffocating prison, but maybe Miss Asteria was his meal ticket? who knows.

It happened little by little...  but I started to decline... more and more. I was phenomenally depressed and lonely.

In my mind, I couldn't leave because there was nothing else out there. this was the best. the pinnacle and if I couldn't make it here, I couldn't make it anywhere else, either.  scary stuff.

I really believed that and yet, I was still with it enough to realize that there was nothing "there" either.

I gained weight.

Then, I started getting hives... I would have huge welts on my back and quite often too and sometimes on my face and they were disfiguring.

stress...

The last fall I was there, I moved to a much smaller but very pretty apartment that was easier to manage. I loved the building. The main living space had these two huge bay windows which were blindingly bright, but I felt like I was floating on a cloud when I would drift off to sleep each night.

I actually had a boyfriend for a short time, but he started back to college that fall... and that pretty much ended things.

Sometimes I would come home after class and rehearsal and just stuff myself with vegetables, ritz crackers and caramel nips and then, exhausted, pass out, in front of the TV... I would wake up a few hours later (usually to the sound of Johnny Carson or Ed McMahon  cackling) and then clean myself up and go to bed, properly. The next day it would start all over again.

I was hanging by a thread...

We were supposed to do the Fire Bird and had been rehearsing for months, but it never came to pass.

Miss Arisa was now rehearsing with us daily. And guess what? As beautiful as she was physically... She couldn't really dance very well. She couldn't get through the variation, stopping mid-way to catch her breath, her head between her legs. So much for "getting back in shape!" She moved like she was made out of lead.  This was further proof that her "class" was no where as rigorous as the class she gave us, was. Her acting was melodramatic and overly-exaggerated.  Prima ballerina assoluta, my ass!

I was horrifically depressed and life was spinning more and more out of control... until one day, just after Thanksgiving, I had taken a couple of items from the grocery store...

and was arrested.

I frantically called home and then my mom took a stand, insisting that I come home--- ASAP.

In so many ways, I was so relieved, but I was also completely terrified of the future.

I had to show up at court and I was so scared. It really woke me up, because I realized that all of my recent goings on, was really a cry for help. Gretchen came with me. I was so grateful that I had that much. I was so ashamed. Fut I couldn't even tell her that I was planning to leave. I knew that the Lufarts would try and talk me out of it and/or chastise me for wanting to go.

With the help of Mistletoe, who had came up from Santa Barbara to help me pack up, I wrote the Lufarts a very nice letter which I mailed on my way to the airport. 
I thanked them for everything and told them that this situation wasn't right for me and that I really needed to live closer to my mother and go back to a real college or something like that.  I left on Christmas Day, in 1975-- 35 years ago.

I never ever got a response from them or heard from any of the girls... not even Gretchen--- ever.  I didn't expect to. I'm sure I was vilified in much the same manner as Claudette had been. It was sad, but I was very relieved to be leaving.

For years, afterward, I had nightmares that I would show up for one of their killer ballet classes... and it was as if nothing had really changed.

So that, was my life in a ballet cult and they still exist. Ballet is inherently a bit cultish because it does require a certain kind of devotion and trust. But, most really great teachers encourage their students to study from many different teachers. Egos can come into play, but this was entirely different. My hackles still stand up if I ever come across a teacher who thinks that their way is the "only" way. Its not true and dangerous kind of thinking.

I did recover, and astonishingly quickly too, once I was outta there. I did go to the University of Wisconsin, but about a year later, I realized that I wasn't really cut out for a career in classical ballet. It was okay. I had made my peace with it... and had gone on to doing a lot of musical theater and then singing and acting.

Every once in a while... over the last few years, I've done a search for the Lufarts... and the girls but didn't really come up with much---

That is... until last year.

First I found that someone was looking for them on a ballet forum. I contacted her and learned some very interesting things.

And then... I found  a newspaper article about Mr. Lufart and this was possibly even more bizarre than a small, sterile ballet studio in Foster City.  He was teaching in a very small agricultural town in central Cali--- in a MINISTRY, of all places.

oh God...

And there was more, because, Mr. lorin Lufart was now Madame lorin Lufart and was referred to as "she" many times in the article.  wtf???

"She/he" was still teaching "pure" "good" ballet (referring to all other ballet as "bad ballet") and also had a sort of a "charm/modeling school."

Oh my... oh my...  I read the article many times... and decided to investigate further, because sumtin notsofunny wuz goin on there.