THE BLOG - part 3 (The Scarlet Letter)

Hello everyone--- before I get into the meat of today's post--- I want to address a few things.

One, the last post with all the pics was meant as a parody of sorts, (which I hoped y'all understood was meant to be in good satirical fun) but like a lot of parodies, its humor is born out of something extremely sad and heartbreaking. The pics were just something that came to me, as a means to hi-light the absurdity of the situation.

I was not trying to negate or poke fun of  this woman's (Dee) pain.  For whatever her reasons are, she has chosen to buy the CON. If anything, I pity her. She is the ultimate victim of this story, but that's the choice she has made.

And yes, something pretty icky did happen--- later and I will of course, get to that.

I am now going to present today's post.

the first one is out of order--- just a little artistic license :) and also, some of these posts have had portions edited out where there's a lot of redundancy or stuff that's not really relevant or where the pity party keeps on going on and on... I don't blame her, one bit for that but...

We get it.

 
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
The Scarlet Letter

As I mentioned in my very first blog the label that this condition has been given instantly conjures up impossibly disturbing images of deviance and overall malediction. This very fact is what my partner is struggling with the most.
Oh God...

He has said from day one that he feels as if he should be wearing a big red Scarlet Letter 

on his chest.

You know... that is a fantastic idea! Warn all the women out there that he is an Asshole.

But what this is in reality is what one woman has so brilliantly and presciently termed, a very damaging "Intimacy Disorder". And so from now on I am going to attempt to refer to it as such, for the simple reason that it just sounds better, more digestible, and in my opinion is ultimately more on the money.

Oh, my oh my oh my oh my....................................................................................................................................

Even though the term sexual addiction may seem a more apt description that paints the picture of the numerous resulting behaviors and string of consequences this disorder leaves in its wake, it is not altogether fair nor accurate. As this woman explained, it would become too overwhelming if the fixation were say on the minutiae of labeling one person a beer-aholic, and another a wine-aholic and yet another a vodka-aholic, etc. Instead, thankfully the broader term alcoholic was born creating a very useful umbrella for the professionals in the field of addiction to use as they were just beginning to form treatments. So I guess when this disorder finally bubbled to the surface and reared its ugly head and demanded the attention it deserved, Sex Addict or Sexaholic was the best they could do. Wish they'd tried a little harder.

sociopath works for me.

Now I don't know if there is anything remotely fair about any of this and frankly the scar that this label leaves behind is the furthest concern I'm facing presently. But it does help humanize the issue and help others hopefully do the same.

humanize???

As I have said before, seldom does a day go by that some scandal involving a person's complex sexual history doesn't stare us in the face from the black and white of our local tabloids. It's a rare occasion indeed that I will turn on the television and the first image to come to life is NOT sex or sex-related. If we're not talking about or deconstucting sex on every talk show from Maury to Dr. Phil to Oprah, then we're watching it being re-enacted on every television episode of the latest sitcom and dramatic series, and either exploiting it, embracing it or sometimes quantifying it from every singular cel of the big screen that is cinematic bliss.

Aren't we tired? Aren't we numb? While I will still shout from the rooftops that we've taken a turn backwards towards the puritanical in this country I also strongly and with renewed fervor feel that we've taken the joyful and the loving and the all important intimate out of sex. After all that I've been through, I still ardently desire to have fulfilling sex one day, hopefully with my partner. We're trying so hard to understand and tackle the complex web that is our human sexuality while also punishing those that abuse and or criminally exploit it. Both are equally vital to our continued survival and growth but there also has to be some middle ground; there can't be black and whites when it comes to sex-only shades of gray.

So how do we decide, and who decides what -aholics need help and in what order of importance? Further, must we always label everything? I know there are clear distinctions usually between compulsive behavior and simple habit but it gets confusing nonetheless. It gets exhausting to be quite honest to be so "aware" now of everything. For all I know I'm a classic closeted case of a television addict. Many hours have probably been squandered watching TV over the years instead of doing something more constructive. I could name several other things I do that could probably have an -aholic attached to the end of the action. I hug too much, I share my feelings too much, I clean too much, I obsess about my weight too much, I worry too much and so on and so on..... Maybe all my afflictions when added up amount to a way more problematic and troubled person than my partner who's apparently struggling with his one.

My sister-in-law said it best. We are all broken, we all have our crosses to bear. We all have our river of shit to navigate. If each individual person roaming the planet foolishly thinks that they're free of an exhorbitant amount of baggage then they are sadly mistaken. All this is not to diminish nor lessen the severity of this particular addiction. But it does provide a bit of necessary perspective in those moments of madness when you may feel you're the only one with problems or when you start driving down the avenue of pity and find yourself, as I do lately, consistently asking the 'ole "why me God, why??" . But conversely it helps you be strong when faced with the ignorance and callousness of those strangers we meet in every day life who would dare point their fingers of judgement as they brazenly assert that such a condition doesn't exist or worse yet will poke fun at the very possibility of its valid and all too real existence. It hopefully will help you turn to them with dignity as you politely but firmly tell them they are mistaken and then ask them to concentrate on their own lives. Everything is not always as it seems. Ignorance is not bliss-it's just ignorant. 

indeed.

Posted by Dee at 8:49 AM

You know... its all starting to make perfect sense. Have you sought out help for your huggaholism?


Saturday, October 24, 2009
Secrets and Lies

With any kind of addiction there is always a surplus of secrets, lies and deception. That's the only way an addict can function in their world while still getting what they so desperately need. They must keep everything secret, they must not be who they truly are for fear of someone finding out and therefore banishing them from their behavior which would then equal hatred and eventual abandonment.
 
But it IS who he really is!!!

I've been struggling to wrap my brain around what could be at the core of my loved one's addiction while also being painfully aware that a lot of the "signals" have always been there. They've been naggingly blaringly crying out to be noticed and I somehow missed them. I somehow ignored that which was seemingly right in front of me.
 
well... we've been through this... no sense beatin yourself up about it!

But instead of slipping precariously downward towards this guilty co-dependent life, I sought help.
haha! That IS CO-DEPENDENT!!!!!!! IT IS NOT UP TO YOU TO SEEK OUT THE HELP--- IT IS UP TO HIM!!!!!!!!!

I'm reaching out to every meeting and therapist I can find while also grasping onto every book on this subject that I can get my hands on.
 
all for him, him, him... there's no therapist for you!!!

I've already read one and a half books by one of the pioneers of this field, Dr. Patrick Carnes and now I'm reading his daughter's book "Mending a Shattered Heart". These books have been incredible and eye-opening in so many remarkable ways and have brought such comfort to me on some of my darkest nights thus far.

Read Barbara Steffen's book, instead. 

"Your Sexually Addicted Spouse"

Patrick Carnes misses the boat, entirely. She will help you cope with YOUR trauma and will not label you AS being part of HIS problem.

Also

www.marriedtoasexaddict.com

is a fantastic resource. The woman who started this incredible site is married to a sex addict and started this blog to help the PARTNERS of sex addicts to cope and learn and heal. 

More importantly though let's talk again about what this has all done to ME.

GOOD! YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like I'm now the one living with secrets and lies all the time. As I've mentioned before, very few people in my life truly know what my situation is and what I've been going through. But this is NYC where I've lived now for 16 very busy, full productive years. While at times this can seem as huge and insurmountable as a Big Apple can be, at other times it's simply just an alarmingly small town. Full of nosy neighbors peeking out from every corner, the usual cast of daily dog-walking companions that when I look into their eyes, I see them wondering where my partner's been but are too afraid to maybe ask or pry,

you ARE joking, right?  It's been less than 3 weeks and he might be traveling or ill or away on business. THEY DON'T KNOW AND THEY DON'T CARE. SORRY, I mean sorry to shout, but those thoughts are not based on reality, hun.

the acquaintances that suddenly call to want to catch up and see how I'm doing,

Dahhhling, you're in show business and you are ALWAYS doing GREAT!!! ;)

and family members that are becoming extremely pissed off and hurt that I don't call and if I don't start calling them back soon I may risk damaging those delicately balanced but hard-fought familial bonds.

oh fuck. this is too easy. just tell them that you love them but you are not feeling very conversational at the moment.

I hate it that I can't share with everyone everything at every moment. It's sort of always been my M.O. I'm not a good "small-talker"; I loathe it. If I can't talk about something of substance and meaning and whatever is really going on in my life then I'd rather not talk. Maybe I should talk smaller and simpler once in a while. It might be nice to exude a certain enigmatic aura for once and have a few secrets, and have people wonder what's eating me, instead of me always wondering what that person's thinking or what they're thinking OF ME. Maybe I'll keep my life very close to the vest indeed for once instead of always blabbing to everyone and baring my soul far too often and too freely. It's okay maybe to be mysterious and dark and cautious, hell it may even be therapeutic and vitally necessary.

I feel for you, Dee... As devastated as I was over the horrendous way I was treated by J, I truly would never want to be in your shoes, but there is nothing for YOU to be ashamed of and you might be surprised when other people come forth with their own tails of betrayal. you aren't alone.

Posted by Dee at 10:52 AM


Friday, October 23, 2009
Another Day, Another Scandal

While we were in Italy in September, 

 I hope you had a good time. :)


my partner recently admitted to me, he had a conversation with an older native Italian gentlemen one day as he sat and had some espresso by himself outside a cafe. The man simply said to him, "I don't understand you Americans and sex. What's the problem, the big deal?" My partner looked around frantically in paranoid fashion thinking, was he a plant of some kind or some kind of cruel omen portending this doom that was to come? Why is he asking Me, Me of all people this question right now. (D-day would not come for another 2 weeks.) So my partner asked him what he meant by his comments, and asked him if he was married. The man just said very lazily "Of course I'm married with kids and everything but I have a couple mistresses and as long as I don't flaunt it and keep it quiet it's fine." My partner asked if his wife also had "others" and he said "Ahh probably...."


I bet he did... Dee.... PLEASE,  you DO know, that this is a totally made up story... don't you???

He knew that things were very precarious with him and me--- YES, him and me. I DO exist and we did have a relationship of sorts...Anyway, it was just a predatory maneuver--- to hopefully soften the blow, should it come. This is what he does...

Posted by Dee at 6:25 AM


Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Falling Down

From the first time I saw the movie "Falling Down", starring Michael Douglas,I felt an intensely real connection to exactly what this character was suffering from. I'm not saying that I feel I could become a raging homicidal maniac, however what I do relate to fully, expecially now, is that certain overwhelming, abundant surplus of anger that flows out and in and through me every moment of the day. I feel that I can't quite suppress it sometimes. What I must admit though is that this has been building and building in me for quite some time. This was most definitely happening within me well before this discovery. For many of my own reasons I have been angry at life in general. So now that this trauma has occurred, anger is like this hot molten fatally untouchable lava that pours out of my very soul.

As I've mentioned before, and will say again and again, living with an addict is a constant emotionally harrowing roller coaster ride.
 
Oh, is he back home already?

But sexual addiction carries with it, and somehow fosters, that particular brand of madness that only someone who's been betrayed in such a manner can feel. I'm very quickly realizing that while we were given numerous tools and avenues to cross in order to seek help, it still largely and frustratingly remains an under-researched and under-known addiction.

Addicts and their co-addicted, co-dependent spouses and partners alike, are suffering so terribly from this that I feel instantly grateful that at least I live in a metropolitan area. Now this could very well have played into what enabled and fostered this behavior to begin with, but I can't imagine living in some rural outback area of our United States and all of a sudden this comes out and we've got absolutely nowhere to turn for help. I try every day to find little pieces of hope and something, anything to feel thankful for, and this is truly one.

That's another thing I can be thankful for; knowing that I'm not alone. Convincing my partner that he is not alone.

Oh brother...

Helping anyone who may one day read this to know that they are not alone.

that is very benevolent of you.

It may seem like a small thing but I have to hang onto and trust in realizations like this because the stuff that happens in "Falling Down" doesn't seem that far fetched. It feels that real and that palpably, shockingly possible.

Posted by Dee at 2:36 PM

Monday, October 26, 2009

How Do I Love Thee...

Last night we had a particularly harrowing conversation involving more disclosure of the many events that have taken place over the years, where his apparent addiction led the way down this path of self-destruction.

Thursday, October 29, 2009
30-Day Recap

A month ago to the day, D-Day happened, turning my entire world upside down when I dicovered that my domestically partnered husband of 11 years has been struggling with sexual addiction. In the 30 days since then I've sorted through and dissected every possible aspect of this disorder so that I would first know what I was getting myself into. I cried then sobbed then I didn't sleep then I couldn't get out of bed then I sobbed some more then I thankfully had to work...To say that this has been the hardest emotional trauma I've ever had to bear is an understatement.

I'm proud to say that I feel I've exhibited an immeasurable amount of courage and grace throughout this ordeal.   

Indeed you have.

Without a doubt life as I knew it is over-in many ways this is ultimately for the better. But what's unbearable during this phase of our recovery is the fear of the unknown. Until I did some reading about this and achieved some clarity on what I was facing there was a different kind of unknown. I'm uncertain now which is worse. With each passing day and week of this process I feel that I only accumulate more doubts and fears and anxieties instead of the liberation and relief and just desserts that I feel are my rightful rewards.

I'm the kind of person who foolishly holds onto the precept that there is good to come after every horrific period in life-there are rewards for going through an emotional hayride, the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel. When I was a kid I must have made this a full time job because it always seemed as if the rug was being ripped from underneath me but yet I maintained this impossibly sunny exterior and had a surplus of energy that I was always able to channel into something joyful and positive. Maybe I'm just out of steam. Maybe I'm just sick and tired and bitter and cynical. But I feel as if I will never catch my break. I've certainly been painfully aware of my own depression and discontent with my own life for quite some time. This only makes it feel like the nail in my coffin, the straw that will break the camel's back-the final dig.

When do I get my piece of the pie? I deserve it damn it don't I? 


Yes, of course you do.


Until I am able to see some major changes in my partner I will continue to doubt my future, our future. I will continue to question, fear, cry, invest, wonder, dream, hope, worry, hurt and be mad as hell that this happened to me. Unfortunately this is the river of shit I have to crawl through in order to get to the other side-where there is hopefully less shit.

Posted by Dee at 1:32 PM

Be grateful you aren't actually MARRIED and don't have any children with him.