He really wasn't a very nice man at all.
I think what really began to disturb me the most was the betrayal of his partner... She was the "end user" of all of his abuse and that was just not right.
I had two choices. Turn my back--- move on...
or tell her...
I grappled this choice for months actually.
She had just turned 40-- What if she found out when she was 50, when it was definitely too late to do anything about it. She still had a chance, to find a man who could be good to her and have a baby if she wanted.
Didn't she deserve to have that chance?
What if he made her sick? Didn't she have a right to know that her health and life was in danger?
But, was it my right to be the one to "save her" as Steve implored me to do...
It was all mixed up... between feelings of love, rejection, betrayal, fear, anger, justice, fairness, and right and wrong.
Both choices sucked, but I needed to choose one of them.
This was what God had presented to me; I do not know why; it is not my place to ask, even though I do sometimes, anyway.
I think that some people would say doing nothing is not a choice. But it is. Doing nothing is also a choice.
My choice would be the one that I needed to deem the lesser of two wrongs...and that did not necessarily mean the "easier" choice. Sometimes the best choice is not the one we want to make.
I thought about J's face at the garage, the first time we were together, the look of lost sadness in his eyes. I truly had loved him... Most of the time, he was very sweet to me... but then... Maybe there was something awful that happened to him when he was a child... maybe he could get some kind of help... maybe.
maybe...
I tried to look far into the future...
and still, I was not sure. who can know. who can predict?
In any case, I had pretty much tired of the "fake CL people" and besides, I was jealous of "kim"-- haha!...But "she" was really ME!!! How fucked up is that? So, I had her gently disappear from his life...
bottman30 (9/25/2009 7:55:00 PM): Hey Kim,
bottman30 (9/25/2009 7:56:24 PM): You around? I did see you on here and was talking with a friend---hope you had a great week. Pretty tired myself--debating about grabbing a drink with some friends
Kim Richardson (9/26/2009 9:28:34 AM): Sorry, I missed you and I've been inundated from all sides. little double entendre there... lol, not as much fun as it sounds.
bottman30 (9/26/2009 12:50:27 PM): MMMM--Being inundated from all sides, sounds fun--in the appropriate context of course. That's right you did say you have had threesomes. try not to work too hard, I will heed my own advice.
I felt sorry for him here... He wasn't working hard... He was trolling the internet for sex. He was desperate for a fix and this woman was not so available for him as I was.
From: J
To: Kim Richardson
Sent: Sunday, September 27, 2009 1:18:24 PM
Subject: Re: Looking for handsome NSA, but respectful man - w4m - 36 (Upper East Side)
Hi Kim,
Lousy day out---I just got back from the gym and was wondering if you'd like to meet today? I am heading out for a few--I would like to say a quick hello over the phone first. Hope you can do---718-415-3313
J
Ugh... his partner worked every Thursday through Saturday. That is when he did most of his activities.
The next day was Yom Kippur which of course, is the Jewish Day of Atonement. I will surely discuss this at a later time, but I don't give a rat's ass about Judaism and actually can't stand a lot of "my people"-- but I do consider myself to be very spiritual, however it is my own spirituality and its personal and unique to me and has nothing to do with religion which I think is a crock o shit. I don't need a guy in a white robe and a congregation filled with people who are ALL a lot richer than I will ever be, in order to feel the connection. And yet, I have spent the last several years singing with a glorious choir because I love the choir director who is a genius and so, I did sing for services on that holiest of holy days. While I enjoy the singing, I always feel particularly lonely, because none of my family ever goes to services and my best friend in the choir is a soloist and naturally very preoccupied with her job.
So, now "purifed" for another year, I came home and first my friend Geoff pops up, online... I had been consumed with thoughts about J, natch... Despite his SAYING that we could be "friends" 4 days earlier, I hadn't heard boo from him and I realized that that was one of those lines like, "I'll call you" and you never hear from the dude again...
I missed him so much and I hated myself for missing him.
FWB = Fucking Worthless Bastard.
Geoff is a super nice guy...and cute (REALLY cute tight little ass-- oh my-- and NO, that was just in a pair of jeans, that I noticed that!) and Jewish--lol... He's a part-time theater techie who had just gone back to college to become a nurse practitioner. I had been on a couple dates with him which I enjoyed his company, but I was so attached to J, that I really didn't WANT to be with anyone else. Geoff's marriage is COMPLETELY OPEN, and has been from day one, but also completely 100% honest. He is "bi-curious" and he was quite attracted to me, which was flattering. I did enjoy his friendship, very much. He also has two neurologically impaired kids, so we had a lot in common.
ststone. (9/28/2009 2:22:06 PM): hi Lexie
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:22:13 PM): hey Geoff
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:23:13 PM): did u atone?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:23:16 PM): lol
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:23:32 PM): yea, I asked julia to forgive me for bugging her about sex all the time
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:23:35 PM): ha
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:23:38 PM): hahahahaha
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:23:54 PM): she said that she could not...
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:24:04 PM): LOL
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:24:19 PM): i just checked and the last time we chatted was quite a while ago
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:21 PM): I said in that case, I am not going to stop buggin her
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:30 PM): yes it was
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:48 PM): so long, I was only a part time student then..
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:55 PM): now, I am a full blown coed
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:57 PM): ha
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:57 PM): ha
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:24:58 PM): ha
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:24:59 PM): cool
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:25:04 PM): well, i admire that
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:25:19 PM): I am surrounded by hot 18 year olds. very distracting!
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:25:30 PM): indeed!!!
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:25:45 PM): maybe I will get lucky
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:25:50 PM): but you are more my style
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:25:52 PM): veeeeeeeery lucky
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:25:59 PM): oh, i'm very flattered
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:26:05 PM): damn.. Geoff
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:26:26 PM): how have you been making out with out J?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:26:36 PM): did u read what i wrote?
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:26:39 PM): yes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:26:44 PM): anyway, horrible
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:26:51 PM): I am so sorry
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:27:00 PM): you have not been able to find anyone else?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:27:12 PM): first came the guy who said that he was advertising.. this is on CL
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:27:22 PM): and J would say that i was busy and he could play with them alone
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:27:27 PM): believe me, i wasn't busy
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:27:39 PM): that was just the tip
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:28:03 PM): he would place those ads for US... and then I wouldn't hear from him, and he wouldn't even check to see if i was available
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:28:17 PM): or, he would keep me on hold...
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:28:24 PM): ech
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:28:25 PM): but mostly, i never was with him alone
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:28:41 PM): not a terribly considerate person
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:35:40 PM): so you have not met anyone else, or are you not looking right now?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:36:23 PM): not as much
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:38:36 PM): I have not really had time to look or do anything
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:39:01 PM): well.. at least u love your wife and u guys have a good sex life
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:42:04 PM): for what it is worth, I would make time ....
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:42:21 PM): thanks Geoff.. i haven't been feeling very sexy
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:42:25 PM): i've been very upset
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:42:30 PM): for weeks and weeks now
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:43:00 PM): sorry to hear that you have not been feeling well. that is a real bummer
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:43:29 PM): i'm very angry too
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:45:52 PM): that takes allot of energy!
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:46:38 PM): wish i could offer some more support
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:46:44 PM): that is very kind
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:46:52 PM): but I am not around all the time
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:46:54 PM): i am struggling with an ethical decision
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:46:56 PM): as you know
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:48:52 PM): I can imagine that for a beautiful person, it is very frustrating to not feel sexy or attractive
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:48:57 PM): what is that?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:49:21 PM): J hurt me down to the very core of who i am as a woman
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:49:28 PM): shit
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:49:29 PM): can u understand that?
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:49:30 PM): asshole
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:49:32 PM): yes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:49:36 PM): i gave myself completely to him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:49:43 PM): i truly did
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:50:13 PM): so what is the decision?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:50:40 PM): i just can't let him get away with what he is doing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:50:47 PM): but, is it my place?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:51:41 PM): it is not about him "cheating" on his partner
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:51:47 PM): not sure about "the place",but are you wanting to expose him to his gf, or just stop him from hurting someone else?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:51:51 PM): both
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:52:20 PM): if you expose him, does he then tell sam? big risks...
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:52:24 PM): and they realize that they have a real problem
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:52:35 PM): he can tell Sam whatever he wants
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:52:42 PM): Sam knows that i go out
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:52:48 PM): hmmm, interesting comment
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:52:59 PM): are things still about the same with you a sam?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:53:01 PM): he knows that i've been horrbily sad, but not why
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:53:03 PM): yes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:53:09 PM): exactly the same
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:53:26 PM): geeze, I wish I could give you a hug
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:53:33 PM): i can expose J without him knowing that its me
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:53:43 PM): thanks Geoff.. i do appreciate that a lot
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:55:34 PM): its just not right, Geoff
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:55:57 PM): its not right, that he cheats and THEN also treats women like dirt
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:56:19 PM): he cheats on the poeple he cheats with....
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:56:19 PM): if he were truly a loving and respectful man, then he can fuck all the women he likes as far as i'm concerned
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:56:24 PM): YES!!!!!!!!!!!
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:56:27 PM): u got it
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:56:38 PM): but.. after 200 hours of IM
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:56:39 PM): for me it s all about the honesty
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:56:45 PM): that is a lot of time
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:58:19 PM): and he's lying to Dee and exposing her to God knows what and she has a right to know that
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:58:36 PM): he is having unprotected sex???
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:59:06 PM): well.. he did with me, and this woman Kim that he sees, and one time.. we were playing with a married couple and no condoms were used-- ugh, really really dumb--i know, but i just figured he certainly didn't want to bring anything home to Dee, so he was clean.
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:59:10 PM): that is a bad thing if you dont know the people really well, and what or who they are doing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:59:21 PM): and I'm sure there are a lot more situations than I know about. he is reckless and self-destructive.
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:59:27 PM): yup
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 2:59:29 PM): yes, indeed
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:59:45 PM): but I must admit, I am a bit jealous that he got to feel you that way
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 2:59:48 PM): sure
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 3:00:13 PM): i was intensely attracted to him.. just a chemistry thing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 3:00:21 PM): i can't explain it
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 3:00:53 PM): I have to run out. I will be back on this evening
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 3:01:00 PM): ok.. good timing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 3:01:07 PM): think about it for me, if u can
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 3:01:11 PM): good chatting with you. Lets get reconnected!
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 3:01:28 PM): i have had some other guys say adamantly that he should be exposed
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 3:01:30 PM): but i don't know if i can actually go through with it.
and then a bit later, Steve popped up for a chat.
s l (9/28/2009 4:26:20 PM): hi lexie
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:26:31 PM): hey
s l (9/28/2009 4:28:10 PM): any news/word?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:28:24 PM): about what?
s l (9/28/2009 4:28:29 PM): J
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:28:43 PM): well.. let me see
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:29:02 PM): i got him online the other day, and he was an absolute prick to me
s l (9/28/2009 4:29:51 PM): what a jerk
s l (9/28/2009 4:29:55 PM): what was said?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:31:19 PM): basically, he needs to "time" because he can't get past all the "hurtful" things i said to him
s l (9/28/2009 4:31:57 PM): im surprised you still try to talk to him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:31:59 PM): although, if he had been a grownup and spoken to me, much earlier on, it wouldn't have escalated
s l (9/28/2009 4:32:05 PM): exactly
s l (9/28/2009 4:32:22 PM): well whats your next move?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:35:12 PM): i'm not sure
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:35:20 PM): i was chatting with my friend Geoff earlier
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:35:25 PM): he's a nice man
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:35:31 PM): i've been out with him a couple of times
s l (9/28/2009 4:35:31 PM): you mentioned him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:35:47 PM): yes.. he's married and going back to school to become a nurse practioner
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:36:36 PM): he's very open about his activities
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:36:42 PM): and his wife plays
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:36:44 PM): he plays
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:36:50 PM): sometimes they play together
s l (9/28/2009 4:36:53 PM): you play with him yet?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:36:56 PM): but they are HONEST with the other
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:37:01 PM): no, but he would like to
s l (9/28/2009 4:37:07 PM): im sure
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:37:10 PM): lol
s l (9/28/2009 4:37:14 PM): going to a party on friday
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:37:18 PM): that's nice
s l (9/28/2009 4:37:22 PM): should be
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:37:33 PM): look... i know this sounds weird or something
s l (9/28/2009 4:37:50 PM): what sounds weird?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:37:53 PM): but.. J made me feel so beautiful when i was with him.. i gave myself totally to him
s l (9/28/2009 4:38:01 PM): thats not weird at all
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:38:04 PM): that's just how i am
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:38:13 PM): it meant something to me
s l (9/28/2009 4:38:21 PM): i totally understand why this is all such a big issue with you. i am sure it hurts a lot.
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:38:28 PM): it does
s l (9/28/2009 4:38:33 PM): trust me its not weird
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:39:49 PM): the thing that really pushed me over the edge was the guy on CL who said that J would say that I was busy and he could play with them alone
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:40:07 PM): and he went on to say, "you get whatever u deserve if u email this loser"
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:40:14 PM): something like that.. but it was very negative
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:40:22 PM): it made me feel like absolute shit
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:40:50 PM): and i implored that person to remove that posting
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:40:52 PM): but he wouldn't
s l (9/28/2009 4:40:55 PM): well J is horrible but you shouldnt feel horrible, he sucked you in with his lies
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:40:59 PM): and i tried flagging it, but it didn't work
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:41:13 PM): yes... i was his patsy
s l (9/28/2009 4:41:25 PM): are you going to try and keep reaching out to him, or just quit him cold turkey?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:41:35 PM): i have stopped now
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:41:41 PM): well.. its only been 2 days
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:41:48 PM): but i truly feel that i've done all that i can now
s l (9/28/2009 4:42:10 PM): ok
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:42:29 PM): i placed the 2 phony ads
s l (9/28/2009 4:42:44 PM): yes, that was great!
s l (9/28/2009 4:42:45 PM): haha
s l (9/28/2009 4:42:51 PM): any gay ads? hahahaha
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:42:51 PM): i'm good
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:42:54 PM): nope ;)
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:44:26 PM): i have all the evidence i need
s l (9/28/2009 4:45:22 PM): true
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:45:40 PM): this is the deal
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:45:48 PM): and i am thinking about karma here
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:46:10 PM): first of all, he's a cheater
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:46:16 PM): but that's not really the issue
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:46:28 PM): he's a cheater.. who then keeps on cheating ad infinitum
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:46:36 PM): he is actually not hurting Dee
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:46:46 PM): unless he makes her sick
s l (9/28/2009 4:46:53 PM): he is hurting her
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:46:59 PM): alright, yes, he is
s l (9/28/2009 4:47:03 PM): hes living a lie
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:47:26 PM): but, its an ethical question
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:47:32 PM): i knew that he was living this lie, Steve
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:47:38 PM): and i was a part of it
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:47:47 PM): of course, if he wasn't with me, it would be someone else
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:48:05 PM): but... he truly used me... and he used me in the worst way that a man can use a woman
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:48:57 PM): and he made zero effort to do anything to please me.. to give me anything
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:49:02 PM): more and more
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:49:25 PM): and he placed dozens of those ads... and so often, i wouldn't hear anything, or he would blow me off at the last minute
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:49:29 PM): some lame excuse
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:49:37 PM): yes, maybe a couple of times, it was legit
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:49:42 PM): but not 20
s l (9/28/2009 4:49:55 PM): exactly
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:50:02 PM): or I made a plan a couple of times, and all of sudden, the time was "too tight"
s l (9/28/2009 4:50:15 PM): he did use you. and he could have treated you so much better
s l (9/28/2009 4:50:19 PM): i feel bad for dee
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:50:23 PM): yes, and that is the problem
s l (9/28/2009 4:50:25 PM): someone needs to help her
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:50:28 PM): he is an evil person
s l (9/28/2009 4:50:29 PM): she could be so much happier
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:50:39 PM): she is massively unhappy
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:50:50 PM): i have seen her remarks on twitter
s l (9/28/2009 4:50:54 PM): if only she knew....
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:50:54 PM): no shit
s l (9/28/2009 4:50:58 PM): then she could break free
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:51:04 PM): but, would she?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:51:08 PM): she might not-- some women have a script to take the abuse
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:51:15 PM): but, that would be her choice
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:51:26 PM): and at least, she could make the choice with full knowledge
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:51:33 PM): which is her right as his partner
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:05 PM): i think she would
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:11 PM): she would be so angry
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:17 PM): years of lies
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:20 PM): and danger
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:52:22 PM): she would be devastated, that much is for sure
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:23 PM): she would go
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:52:28 PM): most likely, after all, they aren't actually married and no kids
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:32 PM): maybe she will get her life back
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:37 PM): either way not our problem
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:52:40 PM): but, i think she would be horribly hurt
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:52:49 PM): i have thought
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:52:54 PM): would i want to know?
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:58 PM): yes you would
s l (9/28/2009 4:52:59 PM): i would
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:12 PM): i told J to tell her
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:18 PM): i told HIM to tell her
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:21 PM): tell her the truth
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:32 PM): i think if it came from him and he told her that he had a real problem
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:39 PM): that would be different
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:43 PM): if my partner did that...
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:49 PM): i would admire him so much
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:53:58 PM): i would stand by him... and support him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:54:03 PM): he is a weak coward
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:54:14 PM): he has no regard for her, either
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:54:26 PM): he has also used her image to get sex with other women
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:54:30 PM): that's right, he has
s l (9/28/2009 4:54:35 PM): he never will
s l (9/28/2009 4:54:46 PM): she needs to be told, to be helped, to be saved.
s l (9/28/2009 4:54:53 PM): good punishment for him too
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:55:20 PM): in truth, it is the ONLY way, that he possibly would wake up and get help
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:55:31 PM): something cataclysmic needs to happen in his life, its the only possible way
s l (9/28/2009 4:55:56 PM): yes
s l (9/28/2009 4:55:59 PM): shock to the system
s l (9/28/2009 4:56:06 PM): she needs to know though
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:56:09 PM): damn that boy
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:56:15 PM): he has had so many warnings
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:56:18 PM): scares and near misses
s l (9/28/2009 4:56:23 PM): hopefully someone will have the courage to let her know...even if its by a secret way
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:56:30 PM): it is like someone who has some small heart attacks before the big one
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:56:51 PM): well.. u know.. she has a "friend" who knows what he's doing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:57:05 PM): and perhaps the friend... "ali"... set the trap on CL for him
s l (9/28/2009 4:57:31 PM): well lets hope ali does the right thing and soon. it needs to be done
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:57:41 PM): its just the timing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:57:58 PM): i have thought about what the worst thing J could do to me
s l (9/28/2009 4:59:07 PM): how would J know you did anything?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:59:17 PM): he wouldn't know for sure
s l (9/28/2009 4:59:20 PM): exactly
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 4:59:35 PM): he might think that it was possible
s l (9/28/2009 4:59:41 PM): plus you could threaten legal action if he harasses your son or husband. you are covered.
s l (9/28/2009 5:00:57 PM): you are covered
s l (9/28/2009 5:01:47 PM): i wouldnt sweat it
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:02:29 PM): u see.. i realized something a few months ago
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:02:57 PM): J... didn't realize that my husband knew that i went out and wouldn't be particularly upset to find out that i was with another man
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:03:08 PM): i don't mean that he wouldn't be upset at all.. just not devastated
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:03:16 PM): or surprised
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:03:46 PM): i have told him that i was involved with someone.. who's a socio.. and his only remark, was that he hoped i wasn't in any danger
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:04:07 PM): i also have dee's cell number
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:04:27 PM): and i have his parents phone number too
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:04:34 PM): but... i don't want to involve them
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:04:46 PM): ugh.......... they r probably part of the problem
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:04:56 PM): they usually r
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:05:35 PM): a child learns at a young age that it is better to lie than to be honest
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:05:47 PM): lying will get him what he wants and the truth will not
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:05:55 PM): and it is reinforced over and over
s l (9/28/2009 5:09:29 PM): well focus on dee and how to help her.
s l (9/28/2009 5:09:46 PM): by telling her you are actually helping him possibly get better.
s l (9/28/2009 5:09:51 PM): it might help him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:10:51 PM): isn't this ironic, i met you because of his CL ad
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:11:01 PM): he thinks he's being so clever
s l (9/28/2009 5:12:46 PM): he's crazy
s l (9/28/2009 5:12:59 PM): tell her.....you know what to do
s l (9/28/2009 5:13:13 PM): dont wait too long...you need to tell her soon
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:13:20 PM): why?
s l (9/28/2009 5:13:33 PM): so she can get her life back
s l (9/28/2009 5:13:39 PM): she has wasted enough time
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:13:46 PM): like 10 years or something
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:21:56 PM): i do have her email addie
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:22:04 PM): geeez, the girl is massively exposed.
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:22:08 PM): u know what i wish
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:22:14 PM): i wish that SHE would place an ad
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:22:21 PM): and bait the fucker
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:22:36 PM): busted
s l (9/28/2009 5:22:36 PM): email her- its perfect
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:22:41 PM): really?
s l (9/28/2009 5:22:45 PM): of course
s l (9/28/2009 5:24:48 PM): tell her all of it, lavalife, aff, craigslist, send her pics and links. tell her that her pic is up on adult sites.
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:25:16 PM): actually, he took it down, mostly, except for one pic... after his first "scare"
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:25:25 PM): fuck.. he wanted me to come over that night!!!!!!!
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:25:41 PM): and NOW, he's telling me that it just isn't right for me to come over any more
s l (9/28/2009 5:25:51 PM): you have pics of her naked, right?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:25:52 PM): it took him 6 months to wake up to that
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:25:57 PM): no, not naked
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:26:04 PM): SHE is the only one wearing clothes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:26:17 PM): its in the address book section of swapper net
s l (9/28/2009 5:26:43 PM): well tell her about the other girlfriend
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:29:40 PM): yes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:30:52 PM): do u know what he would tell someone like kimberly about me
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:31:03 PM): he would say "she wanted more"
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:31:18 PM): or she found someone else for a relationship
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:31:28 PM): it is never about him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:31:37 PM): he told me that he has NEVER hurt another woman before
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:31:50 PM): but he told Ali, that MANY women have fallen in love with him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:32:01 PM): and he hurt one woman in Cali very badly years ago
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:32:29 PM): he's a sadist, isn't he?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:32:44 PM): that's what my shrink says
s l (9/28/2009 5:32:47 PM): well you know what to do
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:42:54 PM): i am asking Geoff
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:43:09 PM): because, i want to make sure that my motivations are for the better good of all
s l (9/28/2009 5:43:30 PM): ok
This over-lapped with another convo with Geoff...
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:11:18 PM): hey, I am back form the walk in the woods
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:11:31 PM): i am back from whinyentitledton
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:25:33 PM): more singing?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:26:24 PM): finished
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:26:34 PM): i took adam for a hair cut
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:26:59 PM): ah
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:33:44 PM): my friend Steve, thinks that "dee's friend" should bury him
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:39:48 PM): so what is stopping you?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:39:53 PM): fear
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:40:02 PM): fear stops me from a lot of things
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:40:03 PM): it could be cathartic
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:40:09 PM): understand
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:40:13 PM): but... yes.. the thought of it.. is very freeing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:40:27 PM): because i truly feel victimized
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:40:40 PM): that sucks
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:40:42 PM): i had nothing but love in my heart for him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:41:08 PM): truly... and i could have gone on loving him forever
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:41:19 PM): this is not about trying to get his girl away from him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:41:28 PM): she is miserable
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:41:36 PM): she writes on twitter sometimes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:41:46 PM): what if you were J
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:41:52 PM): and were married to your wife
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:42:09 PM): we would have been finished along time ago
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:42:09 PM): and fucking women indiscriminately, often w/o protection
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:42:25 PM): and on top of that..
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:42:30 PM): HURTING those women
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:42:39 PM): layers of hurt
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:42:39 PM): I can not keep a secret form her, especially if it involves nudity
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:43:09 PM): and I always use protection, except with a couple of folks that I have known forever
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:43:22 PM): yes, that is different
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:43:24 PM): yes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:43:29 PM): and he was safe with me
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:43:35 PM): because i wasn't with anyone else
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:44:00 PM): look, i think u guys r the coolest
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:44:02 PM): but not the other way around
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:44:11 PM): have you gotten tested?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:44:12 PM): the paradigm of how swinging is supposed to be
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 5:44:19 PM): 2 months ago
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 5:44:40 PM): we have a good thing, or I have a good thing. she is not into playing these days. unfortunately
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:37:42 PM): Geoff.. oh dear
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:37:49 PM): i wish i could explain it, but u r a man
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:38:10 PM): it is not about sex
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:38:42 PM): i'm a woman
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:38:47 PM): we r all the same
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:38:52 PM): believe me
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:39:00 PM): i don't care what anyone says
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:39:03 PM): yup
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:39:05 PM): we r all the same
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:39:17 PM): many, many similarities.....
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:39:28 PM): we r highly and deeply emotional and we attach to our lovers
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:39:39 PM): yes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:39:45 PM): attaching does not imply ownership, however
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:39:51 PM): u see... i think that for a man, it does
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:39:53 PM): I have experienced this
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:39:59 PM): attachment = ownership
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:40:06 PM): but for me that is one of the things that can make it great
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:40:12 PM): absolutely
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:40:17 PM): and for all men, too
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:40:30 PM): and i'm sure that in J's fucked up way, he adored me
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:40:37 PM): and i also think it scared him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:40:45 PM): i became "dangerous" to him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:40:51 PM): not from anything i was doing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:41:03 PM): just because of what he was feeling that he couldn't even address
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:41:16 PM): so perhaps he behaved badly because he was scared
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:41:32 PM): and that solved the problem for him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:41:33 PM): it wasn't conscious
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:41:40 PM): exactly
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:41:44 PM): i don't think he lay in bed thinking..
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:41:52 PM): how am i gonna get the lexie bitch?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:42:04 PM): damn her for being so amazing for me!
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:42:14 PM): but he did think about me, nevertheless
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:42:45 PM): my mistake was in that i should've just said NO to the swinging, because it was making me feel badly about myself
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:42:56 PM): i felt like a whore who was working for free
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:42:57 PM): sure
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:43:13 PM): that is not a good feeling
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:43:20 PM): because, underneath it all.. i knew that he didn't care about me even as a friend
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:43:31 PM): for instance.. he never looked back at me when we parted
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:43:53 PM): alright, one time he did.. but just once out of maybe 15 times, i left him on the street
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:44:00 PM): perhaps he looked when you were not looking
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:44:09 PM): no... he dug right into his cell phone
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:44:12 PM): every fucking time
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:44:16 PM): hmm
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:44:27 PM): because he is crafty about making it look like he's some place that he is not
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:44:37 PM): it occured to me... so many times... "on the phone"
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:44:46 PM): he could be "on the subway"
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:45:11 PM): or about to go to someone's apartment
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:45:27 PM): sometimes, he would be on the phone while with a couple
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:45:41 PM): or just before, would go off and leave me hanging for several minutes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:45:45 PM): which was very weird
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:46:01 PM): yea
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:46:05 PM): or he would be late, after a while and keep ME waiting
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:46:10 PM): but, that part is alright
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:46:54 PM): no it is not, never keep a lady waiting, unless for a good reason,...
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:47:13 PM): right... one time.. mem day weekend.. i was stuck in traffic
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:47:21 PM): and i swear he called me every 10 minutes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:47:24 PM): like 7 times
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:47:29 PM): and whining like a baby
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:47:54 PM): and when i showed up, he wasn't there, and i had to pee
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:48:10 PM): I hope you did not wet your pants....
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:48:11 PM): so, i went to pee and couldn't see him anywhere.. so i sat down to wait..
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:48:23 PM): and then i went outside and tried to call him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:48:32 PM): or see if he had called me
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:48:37 PM): nothing
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:48:47 PM): so, i went in and sat down, to wait for him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:49:18 PM): and after another 10 minutes or so.. i thought, that i had better take another look around and then i found him WITH the couple...
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:49:27 PM): he had never even bothered to look for me
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:49:29 PM): lovely
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:49:54 PM): but then...... he would be so charming and adorable to me
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:50:12 PM): sure like a wife beater.
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:50:20 PM):
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:50:24 PM): ugh... u r right
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:50:39 PM): why has it been so tough for me to really get it?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:50:47 PM): that is the power of intense attraction
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:51:01 PM): even IF u r being treated badly, it will over ride all of that
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:51:18 PM): or maybe i learned at an early age, that abuse was normal
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:51:24 PM): abuse = love
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:51:24 PM): just like a wife beater - they dont get it for a long time because the one they love "makes up" for their behavior
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 6:51:36 PM): right
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:51:43 PM): except that he even stopped doing that
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 6:52:04 PM): mostly, cause i was so disgusted, that i really let him have it after the last time we were together
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:01:46 PM): so, my friend Steve, wants me to bury J
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:01:56 PM): i had a date with him about 10 weeks ago
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:02:03 PM): he's an architect in Manhattan
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:02:20 PM): i'm not romantically interested in him
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:02:29 PM): he has a panty hose fetish..lol
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:02:45 PM): but he has been absolutely incensed about the way that J has treated me
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:03:10 PM): sure
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:03:19 PM): sorry, i lost my connection for a bit
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:03:22 PM): why not romantic with him?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:03:27 PM): Steve?
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:03:34 PM): not my type
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:04:25 PM): ok
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:04:28 PM): sorry having internet issues
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:04:36 PM): but, he's a friend
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:07:22 PM): Great chatting - quiz on thursday, have to be able to identify about 60 parts of the skull and spinal column
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:07:25 PM): ech
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:07:31 PM): wow! I admire you Geoff... takes a lot of courage to do what you're doing.
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:07:40 PM): just keep thinking of the prize
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:07:44 PM): $$$ :)
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:08:13 PM): I have my eye on the final prize!
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:08:30 PM): Thanks again Geoff-- really appreciate your friendship and advice
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:09:18 PM): anytime, I think that you're a great woman and deserve some happiness in your life
ststone.2008 (9/28/2009 7:09:37 PM): let me know how it goes
Prima Ballerina (9/28/2009 7:11:18 PM): bye Geoff--xoxo
The chats with Steve and Geoff made me feel good and confident in my decision. I had spent the morning singing and in quiet retrospection... with God and my aching soul...
I knew what I needed to do.
Now that I was "cleansed" of my sins, I figured that now was as good a time as any to start all over again...
Sending out blessings to Steve and Geoff for getting you to feel better!
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