the *I* of the storm

Alright, folks--- I is a stubborn crazy woman. There, I admit it.:) Looking back on all of this now, I am saying to myself, "Lexie, WTF???" And even while it was going on, I kept thinking... "In all of my life... I mean, I had been with my husband for 23 years and in all of that time, I had never had any craziness even remotely like any of this." Sure, we've had our share of disagreements, but all were short-lived and resolved through discussion, compromise and the willingness to concede when one or the other had perhaps stepped over the line.


But this... was all new for me. My wonderful therapist explained it all as it was unfolding. She had been trying to get through to me, for weeks, and now, it was all starting to make sense.
 
Since that time, I have read a lot about "cluster b personality disorders" and sex addiction and the sociopath/narcissist who also has a sex addiction (not all sex addicts are sociopaths/narcissists, but a good many are) simply cannot understand how and why anything he does is hurtful to another human being. He lacks the ability to empathize with the feelings of others. When two people are operating from such divergent operating systems, it is impossible to ever come to a common point of understanding, unless ONE of them is willing to give up themselves to the other. Since the sociopath/narcissist will never assume that role of compromise and understanding (unless there is something he NEEDS from that person, at that moment in time), the onus for change MUST fall on the partner, (the co-dependent) person who must deny her own belief system in favor of that of the narcissist. That is the ONLY way, it can possibly work. Or--- as some have put it. "selling one's soul to the devil." Unfortunately, not truly and fully understanding this, I was attempting to push a hurricane off course, simply by blowing out as hard as I could.

The only way to stay safe, is to get out of harm's way. Instead, I chose to ride the storm out... To "help" the storm... To be its "friend."


The storm wasn't interested in being anything other than a raging, howling storm--decimating everyone and everything in its way. It was simply doing what storms do. My problem is that I refused to see that yesterday's thunderstorms had morphed into something really big and really dangerous. I longed for that once gentle rain, but its impossible to ever get it back.

It was now the morning 8.31.2009. I had gone to bed with the knowledge that everything I had feared to be true about J's betrayal of me, was indeed, quite, quite true. I was so depressed. Traumatized actually. Steve popped up at noon. I had sent him the hand grenade info that Jaymes had told me about what J was really doing behind my back. However, I was kinda mad at Steve, for what he had said to me about being obsessed with J. As much as I knew he was right, he did exaggerate parts of it! Boy, did that ever push my buttons! I certainly joke about the crazy bunny boiling stalking psycho lady, but its not really as I see myself and its not who I want to be either! and yet, I just didn't know how to TURN IT ALL OFF!!! It was a personal hell of my own doing, that I seemed destined to ride out... but why and what was at the other end of it?

s l (8/31/2009 12:00:34 PM): hey you  
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:00:52 PM): hello
s l (8/31/2009 12:01:02 PM): having a good morning?
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:01:05 PM): no
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:01:10 PM): u know that i'm not
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:01:15 PM): and i don't want to talk about it
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:01:24 PM): and i didn't talk non stop about J on our date
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:01:28 PM): i never would've done that
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:01:45 PM): i have talked nonstop here.. yes, but not on our date
s l (8/31/2009 12:01:47 PM): how would i know what kind of morning you are having??
s l (8/31/2009 12:01:57 PM): fine i will concede that point.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:02:01 PM): thank u
s l (8/31/2009 12:02:02 PM): sorry i suggested that you did.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:02:17 PM): i am very careful not to talk about other men on dates
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:02:32 PM): unless they ask
s l (8/31/2009 12:02:40 PM): ok  
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:02:53 PM): i am upset about that new piece of news
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:03:01 PM): but its just the proof i needed
s l (8/31/2009 12:03:17 PM): you shouldnt have been surprised.
s l (8/31/2009 12:03:23 PM): he is horrible on every level.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:03:31 PM): i'm not.. the question is.. how many times did he do it?
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:03:44 PM): so many times, i wondered what the hell happened to him
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:03:47 PM): i didn't hear back
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:03:57 PM): or he had "last minute" change of plans
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:04:12 PM): he has to be stopped
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:04:25 PM): he will keep on doing this
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:05:11 PM): alright.. u r alive.. that's good..lol
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:05:17 PM): how was your date?
s l (8/31/2009 12:05:55 PM): i postponed it.
s l (8/31/2009 12:06:13 PM): i want to think about it a little more. Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:06:15 PM): thats why you're alive.. good
s l (8/31/2009 12:06:19 PM): lol.
s l (8/31/2009 12:06:23 PM): he seems harmless.  
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:06:31 PM): right... so did ted bundy
s l (8/31/2009 12:06:37 PM): its more about me getting naked with a guy.
s l (8/31/2009 12:06:46 PM): well i told him there were cameras in my lobby.  
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:06:53 PM): hmmm.. sounds kinda bi.. no judgment.. just kinda bi
s l (8/31/2009 12:07:05 PM): yes. kinda bi.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:07:11 PM): thats ok.. bi curious
s l (8/31/2009 12:07:18 PM): its something i want to try...sex with a man. i will probably hate it.  
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:07:26 PM): no biggie
s l (8/31/2009 12:07:37 PM): we shall see. i will let you know how it goes.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:07:40 PM): ok
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:08:06 PM): i think i am gonna expose him
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:08:12 PM): i have a clever plan
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:08:18 PM): he'll never know its me
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:08:28 PM): or even know what hit him
s l (8/31/2009 12:08:31 PM): ok  
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:08:33 PM): total atomic bomb
s l (8/31/2009 12:08:33 PM): be careful.
s l (8/31/2009 12:08:47 PM): also ask yourself if its worth it from a karma standpoint.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:08:59 PM): well.. u were telling me to do it a few days ago
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:09:05 PM): imploring me to do it
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:09:39 PM): its not like we broke up because of differences
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:09:42 PM): he used me
s l (8/31/2009 12:09:48 PM): i thought about it some more.... Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:09:53 PM): he used me in the worst way that a man could use a woman
s l (8/31/2009 12:09:57 PM): i was angry at how he treated you. Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:10:06 PM): but he will continue
s l (8/31/2009 12:10:08 PM): but i dont know...i guess you could look at it both ways.

***

To further add to my already confused delirious state, Steve was now vacillating in terms of whether I should "bury J" as he had put it only four days earlier. Now, that I was truly feeling 100% justified in doing just that, Steve was suddenly putting the kabash, on the whole idea and that was all I needed to hear to stop me dead in my tracks along that path.

Ironically, it was the one-year anniversary of when J confessed to me that he wasn't single, but in fact living with someone that he had "deep feelings for." (whatever that means to him)

I was also super busy, because we were taking Christian back to college and his first apartment, the very next day; however, you'd never know it, based on all of the correspondences

I needed an outlet for my pain. I wanted J to understand what he had done to me. I wanted him to hurt as I was hurting. Ha! What folly!!! Does a mosquito hurt and feel badly after he has sucked your blood for his own nourishment? 

No, of course not! He feels good with a belly full of your delicious nourishing blood and he cannot understand your pain; he cannot FEEL it and therefore it does not exist for him. He does not want to know about how it affects you either, because it is of no concern to him. You put yourself there, and therefore you SHOULD have UNDERSTOOD the risks of exposing yourself to him. He did nothing wrong and he is sorry that you don't like him, because he is just a cute little mosquito going about his business. If you try to make him see otherwise, he will instead---attempt to EXPLAIN to you over and over (in high-pitched mosquitoese) how you are mistaken "gaslighting" and defending his right to suck your blood and the fact that you should not think less of him because of his need to eat you up, alive.

Crazy making---indeed, but that is exactly how it is.


The worst part, is that in our made-crazy-state, we WILL go out and truly ACT CRAZY, so NOW, our mosquito can say... SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE???????? SHE'S A PSYCHO-STALKING-CRAZY-BUNNY-BOILING-BITCH-OUT-TO-GET-POOR-LITTLE-OLD-DEFENSELESS-ME!!!


Your mosquito, who has sucked you dry, now becomes the VICTIM.


If only you had known from the get go. You would've put on a bit of repellent and never even come close, but they are very clever, these little insects. They hide their true identity until its too late.


Yeah, it was all pretty efffin crazy---

***

From: Prima Ballerina
To: bottman
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 3:15:30 PM
Subject: the picture is now crystal clear

Jaymes contacted me last night. Wanted to know if I wanted to meet him for a drink because HE thinks that I'm a very beautiful, sexy and desirable woman and enjoyed being with me. I'm not interested in him, however, or any men right now. It's going to take a long time for me to learn to trust anyone - again.

As an aside - his little Beckee is in a mental hospital/rehab.. She has threatened suicide and is one messed up chick and their engagement is off.

Oh... and he very kindly shared a lot of very interesting information with me J. In case you have "forgotten" what you have done here's an excerpt of our IM...


Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:04:01 AM): so,, i figured that he was sometimes using our ad with my face showing (ugh) as bait, not really intending to actually involve ME!!!
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:04:24 AM): and anyway, it was the perfect opportunity for us to spend some time alone together
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:04:29 AM): which we hadn't since march
james hirt (8/31/2009 12:04:43 AM): I hate to tell you but he did that to me many times
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:05:00 AM): did what?
james hirt (8/31/2009 12:05:11 AM): he answered my ads and said you weren't around but could he play alone
james hirt (8/31/2009 12:05:29 AM): used your pics Lexie. I remember seeing you.
Prima Ballerina (8/31/2009 12:05:54 AM): Oh God.. i realize it because many times including that weekend he didn't send me any couples or contact me until it was too late.

Nice job J... Just how stupid do you think I am???  I was ALWAYS around.. actually so many many times, couldn't figure out what the hell  happened to you or why I hadn't heard back and waiting waiting waiting like a little nerd fool and so many of my truly kind men friends (who truly DO cared about me) tried to warn me that you were just using me, but I refused to believe that. I defended you over and over again. So, how many times did you do this? You never cared any more for me than the toilet paper you use to wipe your sorry fucked up woos ass. I trusted you, damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eewwww.. that you ever even touched me................ I am disgusted beyond belief.

What kind of monster are you??? You said you were my friend and all you did was USE me for your own sick, twisted "pleasure"...You used MY face and MY body for your OWN sick purposes; I was just your masturbatory toy - an object to be used and abused, however you saw fit and nothing more than that.

You are not a respectful, kind, confident man. You ARE a very sick and abusive sub-human. Mosquitoes have more feeling than you have.

I am sure there's a special place in hell for slime like you.

Have fun in Italy.

... and don't forget to bring your pump!


***

Quite honestly, I was not expecting any kind of response at all to this. I just wanted to exert some control over him; I did want to hurt him.

oh what folly.


From: bottman
To: Prima Ballerina
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 3:36:39 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

Lexie,

You told me the other day to never contact you so I was honoring what you had said. As far as the lunatic James. That was the time that I thought you were not available--we talked about this. To be honest  with you they had, in the past, advertised for a male alone as well and I had responded. That was the only time that I had contacted him b/c they had placed an ad for men.

I am sorry about all this Lexie and you feel the way you do. I don't even know where to begin on all of this I keep saying it over and over again to you. Remember, I said awhile ago that we should stop the couple thing b/c you were not into it--but you kept saying it is ok. How am I a monster then if I said Lexie lets stop the couple thing?  I will honor your request and not contact you.

I do not feel the same about you and I am sorry if you feel all these things.

***

From: Prima Ballerina
To: bottman
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 3:49:35 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

YOU ARE NOT SORRY ENOUGH.

THIS IS HOW YOU ARE A MONSTER - READ CAREFULLY AND SLOWLY THIS TIME SO THAT YOU WILL COMPREHEND

AND THESE ARE NOT FEELINGS THEY ARE FACTS!!!!!!!!!!!

He said that you did this SEVERAL times and he's not a lunatic. You are.

And a pathological LIAR.

It has nothing to do with the "couple thing" and you know it. I WAS cool with the couple thing or I wouldn't have done it you stupid idiot. I enjoyed our time together, but I caught on that ALL it was, was your USING me in order to have sex with OTHER women at my expense and that is just not right.

It is WRONG WRONG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU USED ME FOR YOUR OWN SICK TWISTED DEMENTED PURPOSES. You used MY beautiful image as BAIT and told couples that i was BUSY when I was NOT busy. You can certainly fuck all the couples and women you like using your OWN image and YOUR OWN FUCKING TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You would keep me on "hold" and i wouldn't hear back from you or you would blow me off at the last minute. OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just admit it for once in your sorry life.

What is wrong with you????????????

I need much more than a "I'm sorry you feel this way". It is all based on pure FACT...not FEELINGS.. but I am justifiably OUTRAGED

Do you understand it now???

***
From:bottman
To: Prima Ballerina
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 3:56:23 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

Lexie,

I did contact them a few times they placed an ad about single men--the thing is if you saw a couple that we had seen alone I would not care--why are you so upset?
 
***
From: Prima Ballerina
To: bottman
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 4:17:34 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

you don't care about anyone or anything but yourself J.

Again.. I will have to repeat much of this AGAIN... because you must also have some sort of chronic learning disability.

This is about you contacting them WHEN they were looking for COUPLES AND THEN USING MY IMAGE AS BAIT.

otherwise why would you use my image at all???

and why did that other idiot ADVERTISE THAT YOU WERE DOING THIS VERY SAME THING MONTHS LATER.

YOU HAVE DONE THIS OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN TO ME.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT FEELINGS.

IT IS ABOUT FACTS OF WHAT YOU DID TO ME THAT WAS WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

It was also not about the "couple thing".. it has nothing to do with that. I did enjoy all that. What i did not enjoy were some of the situations that you put me in as well as the fact that you would NEVER be ALONE with me which is preposterous.

There is simply no excuse for that.

And you are a pathological

LIAR LIAR LIAR

What is your problem?????????/

but obviously you cannot understand any of these concepts. you have no HEART and you have no SOUL.

you think yourself unworthy of anything good or real and you drag everyone along with you who comes into your gravitational pull straight into your den of slime.

and i do not wish to talk. NOW you want to talk.. Isn't that just wonderful? I wanted to talk to you so desperately on my vacation and you just had to wait to lay your shit on me as soon as I walked in the door at midnight having been awake since the wee hours that morning - and was exhausted. you had your chance to talk and apologize and make it up to me, but you have lost that opportunity - verbally. I will throw up if I hear your snivelly whining fucked up LYING voice ever again. Although I do still very much expect and deserve a contrite note of apology and admission to all the creepy, immoral, indecent things you have done to me for nearly a whole fucking YEAR!!!!!!!!!.

I do not wish to subject myself to anymore of your wimped up LIES. If you continue, I will simply ignore, from now on.

It is time to come clean and APOLOGIZE for the immense amount of hurt that you have caused me.

I truly did care for you. I loved you as a friend. and I would have continued forever if you had simply treated me with a modicum of respect.

But you are incapable of this.

You are very sick and you need professional help, J.

***

From: Bottman
To: Prima Ballerina
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 4:27:32 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

First of all this is way out there--I can't be doing this email back and forth. If you want to call and we can talk fine. If I did use the image to Jeff of us you are absolutely correct that was TERRIBLY wrong ( Laurel I don't think that was the case, but I may be wrong. If I reply to a couple it is just my image). I am sorry if that was the case. I am very busy so can't be doing this long email thing--call me if you'd like.

I did call him up, but he started screaming in my ear and so I hung up on him.

***

From: Prima Ballerina
To: Bottman
Sent: Mon, August 31, 2009 5:16:46 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

i made the mistake of trying to negotiate with a terrorist.

you cannot even begin to understand the depth of my hatred for you and utter disgust.

of course, it is akin to hating a bacteria

u make me sick

enjoy hell

***

From: Bottman
To: Prima Ballerina
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 5:18:02 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

VGL and funny is looking for a sexy woman to meet for drinks - m4w - 38 (Upper West Side)

I just thought I would show you b/c I have seen before--James advertising. I don't fault him for advertising but now he says he just got out of a crazy relationship---his fiance is in an institution.

Also, I sent him pics once or twice as I was saying when they advertised for a single man. Many times is not true. I did send several times for us. And that one time when I didn't think you were available.

I am sorry for all this Lexie and I am perplexed when you say terrible things to me one day and then nice things the next. I truly wish the best for you. I am sorry.    

***

From: Prima Ballerina
To: Bottman
Sent: Monday, August 31, 2009 5:37:30 PM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

u do not wish me the best for me. All you know is platitudes of kindness.. and have no idea what REAL kindness and respect is.You loathe all humanity; everything about you is fake and phony and insincere. you exist merely to get your next fix and for no other reason and to hell with anyone and everything that gets in your way. and the reason that i have gone back and forth is simply a process of trying to give you a chance to be a good guy and do the right thing by me.. but u are incapable of even this.

i would have done anything for you J.. anything at all.. and you have betrayed me in such a way that its going to take a very long time for me to forgive you - if ever. u r the most unbelievably selfish individual that i have ever met. truly pathetic.

This is Jaymes' current ad and yes, his fiance is in an institution. i told you that in the first email i sent you.

And this has absolutely nothing to do with what you DID TO ME. yes, he is advertising here for WOMEN and he has another ad running where he is advertising for couples. Soooooooooooooooooooooooo?????????????

i am going to ask you one last time.. to come clean with me and give me the respect that i deserve by telling me the truth about what you did to me and if you cannot be a wee bit of a man and do that one little thing, then if i were you I would start praying to God really really hard for forgiveness.

ur gonna need it.

oh.. and have a really great trip relax and enjoy - no worries!!!


At this point-- I was really exhausted from all of this and NOW suddenly, J was trying me on my cell phone, so that meant that he WAS really upset and worried, but I didn't pick it up. I just couldn't stand him trying to manipulate the truth any longer.

Instead I got this email the next morning.
 
***
From: Bottman
To: Prima Ballerina
Sent: Tuesday, September 1, 2009 10:05:08 AM
Subject: Re: the picture is now crystal clear

Lexie,

You are right that I should have been alone with you from time to time. In retrospect the money I spent on going out after the couples we could have gotten a cheap room somewhere and I can see where you thought what you did. I always wanted to treat you with respect and always gave you full attention when we were with couples(You always said and told me you really appreciated the full focus on you). I did really enjoy the couple thing but could tell you only did so that we could be together---that was extremely sweet and I should have made an effort to meet your needs. The hotel thing I should have done to honor you. For that I was very wrong! I wanted to do the guy thing with you though because you had said that would really turn you on---that is why I always said for you to find one you liked and I would definitely do for you.

I am sorry you feel the way you do about me.  
 
***

I read this before we went to take Christian to college but I did not answer it, at that time. But, while at first glance it appeared somewhat gentler, it was still hurtful to hear him say that instead of US going out for a drink and a snack,(which I absolutely adored doing with him), he could've saved up his nickels and gotten me a room once in while! What a guy. I couldn't understand the statement, "The hotel thing I should have done to honor you."  I couldn't wrap my mind around the word "honor." I thought he WANTED to be with me! If he truly wanted to honor me, he wouldn't have done the horrible things behind my back that he did. So, it was all ludicrous. He did not really WANT to do the "guy thing" with me, either, because whenever I tried to work something out, he was suddenly "busy" and unavailable. I was only doing the "guy thing" so that I could be with HIM! And his remorse is ONLY that I don't see him as being a "good guy".

It was a mess, but minutes later, we were off to college with Christian (and Adam) and he was off with his Dee for their 10-day Roman holiday.

The winds had blessedly calmed down for the time being, but little did I know, it was only the "eye of the storm."