My affair with "predator" -- Part 30

Since things are relatively stable with Adam and tomorrow is a holiday for which I will be bizzzzzzzzzy cooking and cleaning and entertaining... I thought I would jump back into the J story which I know some of you are chomping at the bit to hear more... ;)
Please note, that I spent a few hours the other day, going through all of my entries and re-categorized all of the "labels"--- And I have categorized the j story under "affair with "predator"'
So here ya go... and just to get you back into it...

J had just left for a romantic vacation to Rome with his partner of 11 years. We (my family and I) had just gone for a couple of days to install Christian into his first apartment near his college.
When we came back, I replied to J's "kinder" email which you can go back and read here. (his post from September 1)-- here is his email if you don't feel like reading the whole thing.

Lexie,

You are right that I should have been alone with you from time to time. In retrospect the money I spent on going out after the couples we could have gotten a cheap room somewhere and I can see where you thought what you did. I always wanted to treat you with respect and always gave you full attention when we were with couples(You always said and told me you really appreciated the full focus on you). I did really enjoy the couple thing but could tell you only did so that we could be together---that was extremely sweet and I should have made an effort to meet your needs. The hotel thing I should have done to honor you. For that I was very wrong! I wanted to do the guy thing with you though because you had said that would really turn you on---that is why I always said for you to find one you liked and I would definitely do for you. 

I am sorry you feel the way you do about me.  
 
***So, it was now the 3rd of September and here is my reply.
 
J...
I am just now back after two very grueling days moving Christian to his first apartment.
I am glad that you wrote me and I do very much appreciate the apology, as I have been more distressed about all of this - more than you can imagine. BUT the hotel part is the very least of it!
I am beyond exhausted; The whole fucking world (it seemed) was moving and we decided to try and be a "normal" family and bring our "difficult child" with us - adding to the difficulty. Oh well.. I'm still glad that we did it.
xo,
L PS: I hate that word "closure". I like the word "forgiveness". I just don't give up on people I care about very easily... please have a beautiful vacation -

 
What is it that I wanted? I wanted the parts that were good. You see for me, it didn't matter what he did... Just SEEING his name made me feel good. I just wanted him. He had told me once, quoting that oft-said Thoreau quote, that he was living a life of "quiet desperation." Yes, it was foolish, and yes its impossible, but at the time, I thought that perhaps if we could still remain friends, that I could at least "be there" for him. 

Oh what folly!


Then 2 days later, after he conceded that he should've made more of an effort to meet me half-way... I received this most charming reply which I really wasn't expecting at least not until he got back--maybe. (oh warning. go grab your emesis basins first---)

Hello Lexie,

Italy is very hot and extremely humid and it has been an adjustment---I have been very busy during the day with business and did get to see the colossium today-- I havent been in awhile so great to see how things have changed and havent---the computer  I am using is in Italian, so please forgive the lack of punctuations.

You are welcome for the apology but more truly an understanding of the how you felt but of course not anything that  I was maliciously concocting.  I am not that type of person Lexie.

Let just move on with our lives and as you said before not contact one another.

I am sorry you feel all those horrific things about me and frankly why would you want to contact me if that is the case--rhetorical question.

Let just move on as you had said and not be in touch---right now that is what I would like.

You are a terrifice woman and will find what you seek---

I so wish you the best-

xoxo

Little mindfucker! Forgive the lack of punctuations??? "terrifice"??? I had noticed over the 14 months that J often added the letter "e" onto words where it didn't exist. Of course, the letter "e" is typed with the middle finger. How appropriate.

"[you] will find what you seek"

Every time I heard that rote phrase that he had also told to the fictitious, Ali, I wanted to punch him. I wasn't fuckin seeking anything!!! I had found it! (or so I wanted to believe) A friend and occasional lover-- a man I finally truly had passion for, and he me? If he didn't feel it, he surely was the greatest actor that had ever lived. Why did he have to go and muck it up with his shit? But J is a sex addict. And for y'all who've had the misfortune to be involved with ANY addict. Their one true friend and lover is their addiction. There can be no other. You either fit in around all of that, or you are out. Sell your soul or leave. Those are your two choices.

It was so hard to let him go. God, it STILL IS!!! (which of course makes me feel really crazy) It was like picking at a scab that just kept re-opening and bleeding and never really healing--

But, the question that I fear is that underneath it all, I'm a masochist. Or a masochist-NOS-- or just plain crazy?

crazy-NOS  :)

I've been reading a lot about personality disorders and actually, when you read about them, a lot of the symptoms can apply to almost all of us at one point or another.

J is definitely a "cluster B" boy of the more narcissistic/histrionic type. And narcs generally don't have the self-awareness to understand how they effect other people. They lack empathy and understanding of others.

Anyway, here was my return rant to him. I just needed to throw his shet back at him. At the time it felt good. In retrospect, my advice to myself would be--- Don't waste your time honey. You're simply farting in a thunderstorm.


J... I'm sorry, but I woke up - as usual, still so upset about everything that has happened and trying to figure it out... and I fear that over the next weeks and months I will find out even more horrible things that you did to me like I did with Jaymes the other day. It just opened up all the wounds all over again.

You see... you are that type of person - not consciously, perhaps.. but nevertheless, the outcome is the same. Almost everything about you, is a fabrication of the truth. Your education, your work, "I lost two more doctors this month".. (I heard that on at least 3 separate occasions) You have never been in the plastic surgery industry and You don't have your own business... and it goes on ad infinitum... "I see a couple of women, but not all over town." Hell WE alone were ALL over town!!!  And then, the words that women we were with whispered in your ear.. yeah, right...more lies.  Why are you so horribly insecure? What the hell happened to cause you to be like this??? You are so fucking beautiful.. You have so much going for you.. Why does everything have to be a lie???

And most importantly, if you had been an honest, honorable man and treated me with true real and loving respect, and genuine caring, I wouldn't be writing this to you now, nor any of the other emails that you didn't want to receive. You would still have me as a friend and lover and neither of us would be hurting like we are right now.

It is not fair that you were doing heinous, highly unethical things behind my back and when I became justifiably outraged when it was presented to me by multiple sources, you cavalierly dumped me. nice job J. Of course, you were never a true friend, to begin with. A real friend would never have treated someone they cared about like that. That's what a friend is. I could no longer sit back and let you treat me like that, any longer.

This is NOT about your telling me that if I didn't want to do the couple thing, that I was free to leave. Also, extremely hurtful. That is again, you trying to manipulate the situation to suit yourself. You cannot say in practically the same breath that I need to see you, but you are free to leave if you don't want the couple thing- I will understand. You will understand??? Come here - go away!!! Which one is it??? Its one or the other. If I left, you can always find another pussy to fuck.. So many beautiful women in Manhattan, just wanting a little something with a handsome, built man. That's sickening in the context of what it appeared that we had.

It is more than obvious that the ONLY reason that you had any connection with me at all, was purely for your own SELFISH purposes. i never meant anything to you at all - except in the context of an entre to fucking OTHER women... and when I was on to you, you couldn't deal with it, and got all defensive and nasty instead of contrite as in deeply apologetic for hurting the one person that you supposedly truly cared about. That is why I have deducted that you are incapable of any true real feeling for anyone. I was your friend damn it and I would have done anything for you. And I spent at least 3 times the amount of fucking money that you did..sooooooooooooooooooooo??? but all you can do is reduce our relationship down to dollars which totally sucks.

But, you know what you're doing.. the carefully scripted trite lines of so-called romance that you so often spewed out. "Lexie, I miss you... Lexie, I need you... Lexie, you are very special to me too, I hope you know that." Just "romantic platitudes" that you KNOW that women who are infatuated with you that YOU can use - long to hear... but then the ensuing reality, that behind the words was nothing but a vast vacuum of empty loneliness. BTW, the time that you took that pic of me in your apartment in the mirror.. and you went to answer the phone... Just so you know.. Your walls aren't as soundproof as you think, i distinctly heard you say. before you quickly hung up."I'm with a broad."

Right.

Again, I am sure that its not personal and I was an easy mark, as I was obviously besotted with you.  Do you really have such contempt for women that you will go to the great lengths that you went to, to hurt them? I am certain that I cannot possibly be the first that you have done this too and perhaps there have been others in tandem or someone new right now. Its just the dozens and dozens of hours of IMs - emails.. emails to couples, planning, planning, planning...PLANNING!!!!!!!! No wonder you're exhausted all the time! I'm exhausted just from thinking about all of it. And yet you say that our relationship was "casual." Many weeks you must've spent 20 hours or more planning, writing and executing your so-called casual relationship with me. And that's just ME!!!

A casual relationship is seeing someone one time or maybe twice, but then its just a fling. You would advertise in CL - week after week..and sometimes 3 or 4 times in ONE week!!!!!!!!!! "we are very good friends" "we are passionate lovers"... blah... bullshit. It is also unethical to place an ad for us and then go ahead and look for a "better possibility" and use the ad as a back up. That is just not right either. So often you blew me off.. and the reason is clear. You didn't care about me except for what I could do for YOU!

Stop deluding yourself and admit it.

My reason for saying all this is that it is my hope that you will stop hurting other women by your extreme selfishness. I do not wish to ever see you again - at least not the way things are right now - but I also want you to stop using other women. You HAVE a woman and an exquisitely beautiful one, at that. And i'm sure that she loves you, despite your rampant philandering. Of course, that is between you and her.

Your mantra is don't come too close... uhhh.. Dee. sorry... ya know.. we are in a REAL relationship... Hahahaha... no fucking way!!! She doesn't have you either as you're using her too... as a place holder/human shield. SHE needs to be your swing partner if you're going to LIVING this "lifestyle". Read ("The Ethical Slut".) And if she doesn't want to do that, then its only fair to her, to tell her the truth about your "other life".  My only hope, is that she is also using you for some reason and if so, disregard all of that and just enjoy your dysfunctional life with her.

So, if I think that you're such a disturbed individual, why am I even bothering with this? I am bothering, because I very much need to get it ALL out as a VICTIM (yes, victim) of mental and emotional abuse at your hands and also, somewhere underneath the thin veneer of superficial nicety that you have for all the world to see and the thick layer of muck below that, I do believe lies a very beautiful and sensitive, caring individual who's yearning to get out and be free. I say this because you apparently WANT to get caught, with your pics that you had for so long all over the internet for the entire fucking world to SEE and much, much more. Can't you see that everything about you is screaming out for help!

I don't have any idea what happened or how you came to be so very damaged, but something is horribly not right.. and only you have the power to change and get well. That is, if you really want to. And if you had just admitted that you have a real problem..to me, I would've stood by you and held your hand. That's what a friend is.

I am telling you all of this because I DO care about you...I care about you an awful lot. Don't you realize that by now? This is tough love, J. I know that you can't see this now, but with a good professional, maybe you can get to the bottom of it... and then you might at least find some peace for yourself... and some peace for Dee too.. She knows.. She doesn't want to know.. but she knows. Women always do... She's so very unhappy, J. Please, for God's sake.. if you care anything about her at all.. and I'd like to think that you do... Tell her what's going on and let her help you through it. She loves you and I know that she won't abandon you, if you'll just let her in. She's strong and I know that together, the two of you can get through this.

If you feel necessary for a rebuttal, please leave off the condescending and/or phony remarks. I am so not interested - especially that you wish me the best. If that were true, I wouldn't be writing any of this... and I will find what I seek. I'm not seeking anything. That is just plain nasty and un-called for and I would've been happy as a clam to have a healthy J as a lover and a friend. We did have so much fun and I adored being with you. But at what expense? I cannot love a man who does not love me back - even as a friend.

I could've waited until you got back, but then, it probably doesn't matter... anyway. I doubt that I was able to get through... But maybe one day someone will.

with all my heart,

Lexie
 

I did not get an answer to this, nor was I expecting one.

There was just one little problem...

And God help me...

but I could not stop the craving...
the craving for the drug...
*he* was the drug that I craved...