baby safe

J looked more gorgeous that early August evening, than ever as he stood leaning up against a light pole taking a drag on his cigarette. He has a muscular build to begin with and he was wearing this dark blue polo style shirt, that had a slight sheen. very metro---"I bought this shirt for you, you like it?... Let's grab a cab", he said and within a minute we were inside of one taking us the 30 blocks to our destination. I couldn't keep my hands off of him, but he wasn't really as receptive as usual and then he offered me a sip of his "mountain dew", but when I took a gulp, I soon realized that I had just taken a swig of some warm beer, instead.

He was hiding liquor in a soda bottle? Then, I remembered that J had told me once that he had SIX beers every day... and then he said, "I bet you think I'm an alky?"

I didn't know what to think, except 6 beers is the equivalent of 6 drinks and there were times when J confessed to being out with friends and getting really drunk. He always brought some cold brews wherever we went and I enjoyed having one, but can't really drink much more than that. Is he an alcoholic too, I often wondered?

We arrived at the appointed bar and walked in, but couldn't find our hosts which annoyed J and then he did what he always did---He excused himself and left me alone for a while to make a phone call. (no doubt contacting Dee or texting her to give the illusion that he was doing something different from what he was actually doing.) He was gone for about 5 minutes or so and returned, rather anxious, but soon the male half of the couple showed up.

Jaymes. He was pretty nice looking but very ADHD-ish. Ya know... super hyper. He said that Beckee---(yes, Beckee) was going to be there in a few minutes, and she was. Beckee was a VERY pretty young woman with a lovely figure, lovely face, lovely everything. She was wearing a pretty, tasteful dress with a tastefully low cut neck-line to show off her pretty, lovely cleavage, but not in a vulgar way at all. So, we had our drinks and chatted for a bit. Jaymes owned a company that made baby proofing safety products. (no, you can't make this shit up!). He was divorced but had an 8-yr-old son. He had met Beckee on J-Date (LOL) and they both seemed totally in love with the other. very nice. Really, it was. I liked them. Not physically attracted, just enjoyed chatting with them. UWS, young Jewish sophisticates. Then, we left the bar and walked a couple hundred feet to their building which was a very nice "pre-war" building in Manhattan. As we were walking, I suddenly felt like I was in the middle of a Woody Allen film.

We took the elevator up to their apartment and they opened the door. Its a good thing that Jaymes and Beckee didn't have any babies of their own, however. The place was a fucking pig sty. I had to go to the bathroom and stumbled my way across tons of whatever it was that was laying around--into the bathroom and noticed that the toilet paper dispenser was empty. Beckee apologized and said that the maid had forgotten to put it on the dispenser. MAID??? Hahaha...That wasn't all she forgot to do!

I'm not going to give any other details about the experience except to say that pretty young Beckee was exceptionally bi-sexual and was more interested in ME, a middle-aged woman who was easily old enough to be her mother than she was my very hot, handsome lover. Fine by me. Jaymes didn't do much for me and the lights were very low. (hope they had a child lock on that TOY CHEST of theirs!)

I don't know... even though J always paid good attention to me during our encounters, i really just wanted to be alone with him sometimes. I was really starting to feel like a prop! :((( It had been 5 months since we had been alone---one on one and every time I had brought it up, which wasn't very often, J would say he would... but of course, nothing ever happened. A week earlier, we had had a terrific argument, which we never argued, but it was because I had found an ad that he had placed for himself on Craig's List for couples---but, without me. Although, when I say argument... It was really just J going completely off the rails. Its not that I blame him, in some ways... but why keep THAT from me? He would tell me things that I didn't need to know and keep other things that I felt that I should know.

I don't know what possessed me to tell him that I had found the ad, but I was just so hurt and I was tired of being hurt. (It had only been a month since the "FRAUD ALERT!!!" posting on craig's list.) So, on the heels of that experience, we saw this couple and then cabbed it back up to J's apartment. We sat on a bench outside of his building.

He looked straight into my eyes... It was very romantic; it was such a lovely, warm, balmy evening and Central Park was behind us. Then he said, very sweetly but with a questioning look in his eyes, "Lexie, you're so pretty and all, but Beckee hardly paid any attention to me at all... I mean could she have been any MORE GAY?" He looked like a little boy who had just lost his little league game.

I really wish that I could remember what I said after that. I think I just nodded in agreement. I wish I would've had the presence of mind to slap his sorry face for making such a cruel callous remark about some little bi-sexual JAP that made no difference to me, whatsoever. What about ME??? But, then, all of a sudden, he said that he had to get going--gave me a peck on the cheek. (after all, we were sitting outside of his apartment building) and then as I always did, I looked back at him as he was walking away from me; he always immediately grabbed his cell phone and focused entirely on whatever it was that he had to do. It was as if, he suddenly woke up from his dream and re-entered his real world.

That was the last time that I ever saw him.

J had always said that the couples gave *US* a chance to BE TOGETHER... but now, the painful reality was really beginning to sink in. There was no *US*, there was no *WE*, there was only him and what *HE* needed and what he needed was for me to just go along with whatever *HE* wanted and if I didn't want to do that, it was fine with him.

This was a Thursday evening and there was also a possibility that we were going to play with our first solo man. He always said, "I'll be happy to do that for you, Lexie." But, of course, it never actually happened. Believe me, I didn't really want to do that either. It was him that I wanted. just him.

The next morning, I got on my fakebook and of course, as always, I checked to see what was doing on Dee's page... and then, the day had arrived. The day when I would find out something that I'd rather not know. For what I discovered, to my shock and amazement, was that she was actually training it to her hometown in a nearby state. She was going out of town for the entire weekend.

Then I went to ballet and had lunch with Elle and told her what was up and she told me to call J and invite him out for a drink! What a great idea, I thought, so I called and of course, he didn't answer, but I left him a message.

Now, just so you know, I never called J during that year and he never called me, unless he was very angry at me, which only happened during the last 3 months. He IM'd me nearly every day and that is how we communicated unless we were meeting somewhere.

The evening came and went and I didn't hear anything from J. He had posted an ad for us... Okay, but then on Sunday morning, he had taken it down!!! This worried me greatly, of course. Dee was out of town, he took our ad down. Ahhh... yes, now I get it. *He's* all set for this weekend, but those plans didn't include me, obviously. He only tried to make it look like they did. But damn it, it was the perfect opportunity for us to be ALONE!!!!!!!!!!

Hurt doesn't even begin to cover it.

Finally, very late on Sunday night, he contacted me. (As a preface, to give some greater context. We (Sam and I) never really go on any real vacations. Well, the last one was for four days to St. Thomas (which was very nice), but that was back in 2002. That was the last one. But, my 86 yr old mother invited me to go on a cruise to Alaska with her for 10 days and I did have some trepidation about the trip with her. I mean, I longed to have a romantic vacation with a beautiful man, not my very aged mother. Don't ask me why... I just longed for it.)

Here it is: (oh this is painful, but I still have saved all of the IMs from after my hard drive death in June 2009)

bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:27:44 PM): hey hun
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:27:52 PM): busy night
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:27:58 PM): yanks won
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:27:59 PM): what's up?
(translated. WHY THE FUCKING HELL DIDN'T YOU CALL ME ALL WEEKEND?????)
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:28:01 PM): !!!!
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:28:04 PM): oh great!
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:28:13 PM): swept the sox's
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:28:14 PM): bravo
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:28:20 PM): not that you even know
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:28:40 PM): exhausted
(of course you're exhausted... you've gone on a fucking rampage all weekend---WITHOUT ME!!!)
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:28:45 PM): going to bed in a few
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:28:46 PM): all that shouting?
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:28:54 PM): the tension?
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:30:24 PM): fucking awesome game
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:30:35 PM): chatting here with my buddy
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:30:57 PM): I just called you on a silly whim
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:31:03 PM): don't know why
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:31:09 PM): maybe cause i'm going away
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:32:03 PM): when do you leave?
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:32:16 PM): thursday
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:32:26 PM): kiss
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:32:39 PM): Have a blast!!!
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:32:54 PM): i hope so
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:33:03 PM): you will
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:33:03 PM): i'm sure that i will
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:33:16 PM): it'll be bitter sweet
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:33:30 PM): but pls when i get back.. pay no attention to anything i say for about a week
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:33:34 PM): lol
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:34:38 PM): ?Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:34:49 PM): its my mom
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:34:50 PM): Okay
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:35:07 PM): i love her to bits but she does a # on me
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:35:15 PM): ok
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:35:23 PM): its like death staring at me head on
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:35:36 PM): i hate putting it like that.. but thats how it is....
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:35:44 PM): ok
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:35:49 PM): and then i kinda panic a bit
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:35:59 PM): heading away myself on the 2nd of sept
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:36:06 PM): oh.. nice..
starting to feel ill... Dee's 40th birthday, was at the end of August.
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:36:19 PM): anywhere interesting?
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:38:10 PM): Business and pleasure
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:38:14 PM): Italy
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:38:20 PM): for 10 days
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:38:35 PM): Rome
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:38:36 PM): oh... J----
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:38:39 PM): pls don't
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:38:56 PM): don't tell me any more
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:39:21 PM): Dee's a lucky woman
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:39:54 PM): ?
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:40:01 PM): OK
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:40:11 PM): what's wrong?
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:40:33 PM): its just my dream to go to italy... with a beautiful man
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:40:50 PM): i blew it
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:40:54 PM): oh well
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:41:55 PM): You didn't blow anything
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:42:21 PM): Your going to Alaska on a great cruise
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:42:24 PM): !!!
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:42:41 PM): with my 86 yr old mother?
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:42:45 PM): i'll tell u what
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:42:58 PM): u can go to alaska with my mom and i'll go to italy with dee
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:43:08 PM): LOL
Prima Ballerina (8/9/2009 11:43:17 PM): you'll have a blast
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:43:38 PM): kiss
bottman30 (8/9/2009 11:43:55 PM): k heading t bed

I felt completely crushed; I really wanted to vomit. It wasn't that I didn't expect him to go away ever with Dee. I knew it wasn't a business trip. He didn't know that I knew who she was or that I knew that she had been away all weekend...because I could see her fakebook page. And on top of it, I was coming down with yet, another bacterial infection; i had the unmistakable symptoms and that meant, yet another trip to my doctor for some cream and maybe an antibiotic. I had already spent hundreds of dollars on these medical expenses... Driving into the city with gas, tolls and the occasional parking lot was at least $25 a pop. And he couldn't even manage to get us a cheap hotel room, once a month or so? Some love affair, this turned out to be!

I slept on it-- and then I called the doctor the next day for an appointment and slept on it again, but on Tuesday, after seeing my doctor--- I couldn't reign in my intense anger any longer.

I just couldn't.