moving into a new realm

Sam and I were both so depressed last night because this whole school/change/Adam/NY/CSE issue is so overwhelming and it is on so many different levels. Despite having been accepted at the school,which IS really terrific, we still had huge hurdles to traverse with our son and our state.

One thing about Sam which is so extraordinary is that he has a certain innate wisdom and common sense about so many things that most people simply do not have. I am typically more emotional and more easily ruffled, especially when it comes to my children, but something I am constantly aware of and try to work on. Thus, it was a great relief to let Sam take the reigns on this one, because this maneuver requires a tremendous amount of skill and he's the man for the job.

So, at about 11 this morning, with a batch of fresh, plain vanilla, homemade (yes, from scratch) muffins just put into the oven, (that Adam adores!)---

We sat him down in our sunny living room for a serious talk. Adam wanted to know if he was "in trouble" (how normal he can be sometimes!) to which Sam said no, and then prefaced the talk with the "dangled carrot", (or "reinforcer" as we learned so many years ago) that they could resume their recording session later, if he remained calm and respectful. God, he's good!!!

A very wonderful neuro-psychologist told us years ago that if you want to effect a positive change in children, reward the good behavior. Rewarding the good behavior is far more effective than punitive action for the bad behavior. (I think this probably holds true for adults too.)

Then, Sam gently broke the news to him about not being able to go back to our local high school. The school was firm in their decision and we also supported it and he told Adam why in very simple non-judgmental terms.

Adam has always had the cutest chin--ever. Even my obstetrician commented on it, the day after he was born. Its still really cute, but just then, upon hearing that the school had already decided that they were done, it was starting to quiver as he tried to argue the point as quietly as he could which wasn't really that quiet, but a HUGE improvement over most of his outbursts. It totally pulled at my heartstrings because there is nothing more emotionally draining than trying to raise a disabled child such as this.

I didn't know he was going to do this, but Sam said, "Mom and I want you to go to ourLastHopeinHell" which surprised me, but I trusted Sam's judgment and realized in that moment that we needed to get it all out. The one thing that Adam hates more than anything is to be CONTROLLED and to feel like people are conspiring against him. Well, who doesn't hate that? So, Sam got everything out on the table, and mostly, we focused on all of the truly GREAT things about the school and not the things that are going to be difficult. I interjected that we were so proud of him for being accepted (which is true). It is not easy to get into this school. (also true, you have to be a friggin high functioning autistic handful with average to superior IQ, to get in-- but not a juvie delinquent, a runaway, sexual deviant, self-injurious, or a threat to the safety of other students.)

Of course, our difficulty continues with the STATE OF NEW YORK'S INTENSE desire to keep as many kids IN STATE as possible. Look, the law in NEW YORK, (and actually, its a FEDERAL law per the Individuals with Disabilities Education ACT--IDEA) is that ALL children who have disabilities are entitled to a FREE and APPROPRIATE education in the LEAST RESTRICTIVE ENVIRONMENT.  Forgive me, if I'm threepeating myself, but of course, this gobbledygook has been shoved down our throats for the last 12 years and sometimes it just feels good to sling it back at 'em. After all, they certainly wouldn't want to break the law. 

There are NO residential, therapeutic programs in NY for high functioning autistic kids and none that are appropriate for a wide variety of other reasons and all are too restrictive and will actually MAKE HIM WORSE, if he were to go there. The state is required to provide an appropriate place, EVEN IF that place is out of state. The thing that irks me the most, is that THIS is all really difficult stuff to begin with and their unreasonable posturing, is just making it all the worse.
 

Then getting Adam to make the leap of faith to the other side of the paddock is also a crucial piece of this conundrum... and ironically, it is the inability to CHANGE, that is a hallmark of his disorder. So, now, Adam was at least listening and seeing some of the positive ways that his life could be for the better and we ended the convo quickly without belaboring the point. So, for the time being, it feels like Adam has made the leap to the other side-- at least for now.

 

Its a turning point. I can feel it. This was definitely one of those "as good as it gets" moments. For the first time in our 24 year relationship, as soon as Adam left the room, I went over and "high fived" Sam!

Later, I wrote an email to cuteshrink to make sure that he's now onboard.
 

It was a very good day, which for us means GREAT! Recording has been done and went well and take-out Chinese food was procured and Adam ate his favorite ribs, chicken and rice with gusto and relish. We had as normal a dinner as a family could ever have--with a friendly discussion of various guitar playing artists that Adam has seen live. He was just a normal almost 16 yr old having dinner with his folks. lovely.

For us, the "normal and mundane" is extraordinary and fantastic.

Tomorrow, is a CSE meeting with the team which is really just the legal formality to expel Adam from our high school and recommend that he be tutored two hours a day(its also the law) until he can be placed in a school that is deemed to be "appropriate" and in the "least restrictive" setting possible. There will be an update on the "search" and how all of that is going so far. We are also expecting an update on the NY end of things and hopefully, there's going to be some light at the end of that seemingly never-ending tunnel.(but we shouldn't hope for too much) Attending tomorrow's meeting will include the CSE chair person, psychologist, special education teacher, a regular education teacher and Sam and me. Adam will not be coming to this meeting, but he will be coming to the finalizing meeting which will include people from his new school and maybe a few others, as well. We have had meetings in the past, which have had as many as 14 people involved. Every child with an "Individual Education Plan" (IEP) has at least one meeting a year. Tomorrow's meeting will make number 3 for this year.

As you know, I spoke with the director of admissions, at the OLHIH School last Friday, and if all goes well... we are looking at a start date---of early January.

A new year and a new beginning. (I can't wait to say--- "but you knew it all along, didn't you?") ;;;)))

The funny thing is that Adam's first album that he is almost finished recording is called--- "Moving into a New Realm"

He came up with the title last August. 

God...