August 2008 --- at the edge of the precipice

I am feeling impatient to go on with my story--- and I was starting to write a long thing which even included an episode with the composer 2 days before I laid eyes on J (Mr. Big)--- but, I think I'll save that. Its unbelievably gross.

So, to recap, J and I met on the 31st of July in 2008 which was the last day of my last menstrual period--- ever and that boy made me feel awfully awfully good. I'll summarize as best as I can, because really nothing much happened in August, except I went on several other dates with other men that weren't J and no one else interested me, in the slightest.

There were a few emails exchanged intermittently back and forth, between J and me and then around the 3rd week in August, my h and I were installing son one in college--- out of town and I got a horrible email from the narc composer just before a party where we were to mingle with the directors, etc  and I was so devastated by this man's cruelty--- but I held it together until bed time and spent the entire night crying softly to myself. I had my own bed, because the hotel beds were just a bit too small for a couple who had fallen out of love. I was just so so sad. I just wanted a man to love me-- to want me and it all has eluded me.


On the day that we were to come back home, which was Monday the 25th of August 2008 (I know, I know... how on earth do I remember these dates? I don't know... It comes easily to me. Tell me your name and I will make you repeat it a dozen times before it sinks in, however. Go figure.) Anyway, I stole a minute in the student lounge to check my email and there waiting for me was an email from J.

"Hey hun, you want to meet at the hotel later?" ;)

It was exactly the pick me up I needed, between my asshole friend and my first born going off to college and my still longing to see J again, it was perfect.

Of course, I wasn't going to be back in time, but then later that week, we arranged to meet the following Sunday which was the 31st of August.

In the meantime, I finally told my composer friend to take a hike because he was just such an ass. I had made an online friend in Australia of all places who encouraged me to dump him. It was tough, but I did it.

Now, I didn't hear from J, so that Sunday morning, I emailed him and asked him if we were still on, but I just had this funny feeling--Something was just really off here.

A few hours later he responded and apologized and told me that an emergency had come up.

We exchanged a couple of sexy emails and then---

He sent me this.

J wrote: 

I have to be honest with you Laurel--I am not married but am living with someone---

I don't think it is fair that I lied--sex is not great at all between us, but I do care for her deeply--that is why I contacted you.

Well, there it is

***

A little page break--- of course, because if one reads this with any kind of logical mind, they can clearly read this as he literally contacted me because he cares for his partner deeply. At the very least its ambiguous and okay...about sex not being very good--- I don't want to get into the TMI stuff too much but Mr. Big wasn't exaggerating about his "alleged endowment".

Okay, okay, he's hung like a fucking horse--- lol and while it did take a bit of getting use to, for me, I figured that after one has shitted out (yes, shitted) a couple of 22" long babies, 9" is nothing. Sorry. I'll stop. Still, it is possible that some women might tense up or have a different anatomy. I don't know. But then again... I started asking myself some perfectly reasonable questions like... 

"if you decide you want to live with a woman and sex isn't that good or she has a problem with your size and is uncomfortable, then why did you guys choose each other to co-habitate with?"

If nothing else, my mind is usually pretty logical.

So, I responded with this:

"Had a feeling that there was something like that...because you're too cute to be unattached.

It's okay... I appreciate your coming clean. Seems I have a great knack here... Oh dear... Don't know what to do.

and maybe you don't want to see me again, anyway... It's been that kind of week.

If you want... we could talk about it sometime.. I understand... completely."

***

So, so, so God-damned nice... aren't I? I mean, I DIDN"T really understand; of course not! I just WANTED to understand.

BIG difference.