God rushed in (part II)

First of all... again, thank you for all of your well wishes and concern the past couple of days. While I've suffered from depressive episodes, most of my life, I am lucky in that most of them are short-lived. And like I said to NOS, I've never been self-destructive because when those hopeless feelings come, I already feel dead, and self-harming would only corroborate the fear that I'm a hopeless loser.

Anyway, I have lots of news to share with y'all.

First of all, get this. On Friday, we had another hefty snowfall in the northeast and this one was really, really pretty. It was the wet fluffy kind that sticks to all the trees, like thick dollops of whipped egg whites. Sam's commute is only about 20 miles, but a lot of it, is on smaller windy back roads, so he decided to stay put and work from home.

I was home too, of course, along with Christian our 20 yr old musician son with ADD and I was already cranky from the get go.

I woke up with a lot of anxiety over Adam, now in his 5th day of the new boarding school, we hadn't heard anything in three days.  Christian told me at about 1:00 that Adam had actually tried to phone on Wednesday,(but I wasn't in, and C was not available or something) AND, that Adam had sent HIM an email on Wednesday night. Thanks for letting me know 40 hours later.

Here's the email from Adam to Christian:

On Wed, Jan 5, 2011 at 8:57 PM, Adam Lewis <adaml@ourlasthopeinhell.org> wrote:

Hey big brother how you doing, It's going quite interesting here, i wish i could talk to you guys on the phone i tried calling today but none of you picked up, it's getting to be quite a challenge to develop to this place, it's very strict which i hate, everything is so monitored, i have so many things to say, it's unfortunate i won't be able to stay but i thought i should let you know how i'm doing and feeling here, i'm trying to get over feeling home sick and not being with my family who i've lived with my whole life, and belive me i'm crying as i write this, not that i'm upset. But yeah I'm getting better and better here and it's only a few days so i shouldn't be so mad or anything about it. I've got to go for now, wish i could have my ipod they even blocked like all those music sites n all, but i'll hopefully manage and listen to a bit then and now. I'm more than happy to write to you and talk big bro, it's unfortunate i won't be there to say goodbye when you go to college, but take care and have a good trip off to college.

Lots of love from your bro

Adam.

hmmmm... this was not relieving my anxiety. He has to go? That is ambiguous, now isn't it?

In addition, we had a scheduled phone call with Adam's social worker at 3:30. The call came about 15 minutes late and the social worker, who I'm going to call "Cleancut" (cause he is) was on the other end and said that because of the fucking snow. (no, he didn't say fucking), he was going to reverse the order and have us speak to Adam first, but he said a word or two, but not really that much.

I was thinking. "This is no good, because we have a ton of questions."

Adam gets on the phone and almost immediately started crying.

very homesick. very unhappy. this place is even worse than that other school that was really bad from two years ago.

fuck.

already?

I decided to support Adam, but not totally buy into this (because I know that this place IS ourlasthopeinhell and it is a FANTASTIC PLACE) and I said that maybe he needed some more support, and Sam came down and waived his arms wildly to get me to shut up.

I was pissed.

Remember, I have NO idea what's really going on. Cleancut, really needed to have the chat with us before he had put Adam on. In fact, he should've chatted with us at least a day earlier. I was so upset and frustrated and angry at Sam that I just got up and went to my room and started crying.

But, in the meantime, Adam calmed down and when Cleancut got off the phone and had a good convo with Adam. (I found out later in an email from Cleancut) Then Cleancut called back (on his way home) and I spoke to him and found out that all of this is quite typical and that Adam WAS making a wonderful adjustment AND furthermore had actually earned nearly ALL of his tokens, from a low of 95% to a high of 100%. That is remarkable and I only wished that I had known all of that before we spoke to Adam, but I have written him a few times, and given him a lot of encouragement.

I also found out today, that Adam played his guitar for the entire cottage and maybe some other kids too and everyone really enjoyed it. This is so wonderful. There is nothing that Adam loves more than to play his guitar for an audience.

okay.

Now, this next part is typical.

Sam had been cajoling Christian to call the academic office at his college to find out how he's gonna handle the failure in Japanese. Remember, the four credit course that he failed? Well, get this----------

He found out that he did NOT fail the course. He actually made a C !!!!!!!!!

That's right. He passed the course!!!

Yes, I was relieved-- hugely so, but also totally done and pissed that we had two weeks of thinking that he had failed a four credit course. Just tired, just feeling like I couldn't focus. Very little work. Pissed at my husband. Pissed that we have NO money. Can't travel. Can't even buy a new fucking washing machine that we so sorely need. (and dryer), and that's the tip of the ice berg.

pitty party for days.

Then, Christian runs off to go and have fun in Manhattan--- again. He gets to have fun. And I hate myself every time, I am feeling resentful of my own child, but at least he passed the class. He gets to live. for now.

Then, as soon as Christian took off... I let Sam have it.  I really did. I don't remember what I said. I'm just mad at him. It goes way back.

Later... I started watching Forrest Gump which really is my fave movie, of all-time, I think. And Sam asked for a "cease fire" and sat down next to me.  Actually, I was already starting to feel a lot better, but half-way through the movie, I noticed that horrible garlic smell coming from Sam--again and yeah... I commented on it and Sam got up and left and then I turned off the movie and went to bed shortly thereafter, myself.

I woke up at 8:00, yesterday, not to dance, but to go to two appointments for potential jobs. I woke up feeling pretty effin horrible, but pulled myself together. Hair looked nice... and left.

The first one, was very typical. Youngish, but unstylish family in a nice but not astonishing home and very close by. It would be a good job if I get it, and I thought the interview went well. Then, I had to dash to the 2nd appointment which is in a neighboring town and in a VERY mega wealthy area.

I pull into the long drive way--- and am ushered in by the realtor as the clients haven't yet closed on the sale.

Folks, the home is to die for. ABSOLUTELY EXQUISITE. And I mean, like something outta a movie. really. I'm sure I was foaming at the mouth. The home was just THAT delicious!

Then, the couple shows up and then I really felt like I was in a movie. An absolutely gorgeous young couple--- and RICH!!! Therefore, I am going to call them the Youngandrichsteins.

Alright, Lexie... suck it up. I threw out every trick in the book. But the real trick is in not being too obvious because these are not stupid people.  But I did manage to work in, nonchalantly, the exceedingly-rich-relatives-that-live-right-around-the-corner-card. (this is true and another story for another day)

So, I came home and felt much better and Sam had started to clean out our closet in our bedroom AND he got a hair cut.

wtf???

I told you that God rushed in.

Then, I sent out my follow up emails along with my letters of agreements and felt satisfied that I had done my best.

Then, we actually went out for dinner with my crazy bi-polar neighbor and her self-aggrandizing, crashing bore of a boy friend, but we got out. That's all that matters.

No word from Adam. He's fine.

exhausted.

slept really well. its so cold right now.

Got up, had breakfast and decided to start cleaning up my half of the closet.

okay... I have to make a confession and I knew it was going to come sooner or later... but brace yourself... Alright, here goes.

I'm a slob.

Really, I'm not joking. I'm a horrible house keeper.(relative to my profession) I'm messy. I'm disorganized. I hate cleaning. I hate tidying up even more. I'm not a horder, just a messy slob. I so wish I could be OCD... actually I am, its just Obsessive Compulsive Disarray, in my case.

I can't tell... are you laughing or cowering away in abject horror?

Alright, the entire house isn't gross. We do dishes and shit like that and I have a cleaning lady come every other week, so its never disgustingly dirty and I'm not a horder, its just that I'm messy and disorganized.

But anyway... I started yanking everything outta the closet... And then I came across something.

In a totebag, I found a very large (10") dildo that predator made me buy very early on in our refuckenship. Please believe me here. I find the thing about as erotic as getting examined with a speculum at my gyney appointments and about as comfortable, too. I only used it with him and really didn't like it at all and its been sitting in my closet for two years now. Even though, I spent $70 bucks (I know... a rip off, and WHY didn't I ask him to buy it FOR me, if he wanted to to play with it so badly???... ugh... gotta work on that crap), I decided to finally get rid of the fucking thing. (no metaphor there!) ;) and a couple other things I had picked up. I wrapped the toys up very carefully, and hid them amongst some defunct fabric samples that I should've ditched long ago.

I also found about $6.00 worth of change in the bottom of about 3 handbags.  I spent about an hour getting rid of all of the crap and then, I started shaking and my back was killing me. I told you, this kind of activity is very difficult for me, so I stopped and had a bite to eat with Sam and then I sat down at my ol lap top.

And at 2:13--- I got an email from the YoungandRichsteins

Lexie,

It was great meeting you yesterday,  and we would love to work with you in designing our new home.  I will send the Letter Agreement and check later this week.  To get this started, we would like to interview one of your recommended painters at the home next Sunday, January 16th  (or Monday the 17th), if possible.  So that there are no scheduling conflicts, I would ask that the painter be informed in advance that this will be a large job, and that we're looking for a firm start-date of March 1st. 

Dashing Youngandrichstein


Holy crap balls!!!!!!!!!

I got the fucking job!!!!!!!

And the email came in at 2:13. Folks, February 13 was my late brother's birthday!!!  This just can't be a coincidence. It can't be.

I was floating. This is a big job. Its a whole big gorgeous house.

jackpot!!!

I know... it occurred to me too... I had started to get "unstuck"... cleaning out the shit and then... made room for something good. AND, I really really focused on getting that damn job!!! 

So, then, Sam and I needed to go to the grocery store for the first time in nine days, which we enjoy doing together about twice a month! and I said, lets dump all of this garbage out on the way out and Sam said that he was going to have Christian consolidate all of it and then take it to the shed, when he came home.

ummmmmmmmmmm...

All I could see was Christian consolidating the garbage with the goodies in there...

"and what do we have here??? WHOAAAAAAAA, Mom and Dad are throwing this out???"

For once in my life, I INSISTED that we take care of all of the garbage immediately! Sam said, "No, I want Christian to do it."

And I said... "I just can't wait that long-- We really must do it right now."

Sam looked at me paradoxically, because this was totally out of character for me, but he knows by now that when his wife is that insistent, he better go along with it.

:)