I am home with Adam and Sam drove up to uglyassin to be with his family and the funeral which just ended.
He left very early, just before she passed.
I feel horrible. Even though we weren't terribly close, I feel more lonely than ever. I had therapy. I don't know if it helped. I just feel like someone socked me in the gut. She says, to take it in "baby steps."
Babies don't walk. And I'm feeling like a piece of shit and I am TIRED of feeling this way. I just want it to stop!
It didn't help to hear from Sam, yesterday, that my inlaws feel "uncomfortable" with me there. WTF? What did I do? It was my husband who lied and betrayed me over and over and yet, it is me who is continuously being punished??? not only is it not fair, its just so, so painful!
I need a cute boyfriend who dotes on me. Someone to make me forget about my fucktard of a husband.
Some would say that I shouldn't need ANYONE, but I think that's crap. We ALL need other people. Its a balance, though. What is wrong with wanting to be in the arms of a truly handsome, loving, caring man who is DYING to take me away somewhere romantic? Someone who doesn't have this undercurrent of hostility and anger and hates Valentine's Day's "guts." Someone who wouldn't DREAM OF HURTING ME? Fuck it ALL. I THOUGHT THAT WAS MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!
DAMN HIM!!!!!!!!!
I'm envious of people who can focus on their good work, their passions, their interior design blogs and who seem to have their lives totally together. I wonder if there's anyone who thinks that I am totally together?
obviously, someone who doesn't know me very well...
Oh, no, Lex! We just talked about this. Getting ready to email you. I'm here.
ReplyDeleteLove you!!
xoxoxo
Oh, I have that feeling a lot - the "why can't I just feel better already dammit?" feeling.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
I don't think anyone is truly together, i think people are just good at hiding it. Look at all the successful people in the world. Show me one who has not got failed marriages, kids out of marriage, addictions, moral dubiousness (dodgy deals, insider trading).I always remember Jeff Bridges saying he starred in a movie with Robert Mitchum and he was star struck, this tall handsome, very famous older actor who looked like he never put a foot wrong. The first scene was both of them sat at a table, and Mitchum raised his hands while the crew were getting ready and two huge wet marks were there. Bridges asked him if he was nervous for some reason. And Mitchum said this is how he always was, it always made him sweat and feel anxious.
ReplyDeleteThere are no people living in a pop song, were all messed up. Sorry for the ramble.