I've been very busy working on my new website and it is coming along nicely. Its terrific to finally be putting
my creative energy towards something worthwhile.
I'm still really angry at my husband. I just have to say it.
One of the things that I'm the most angry about is the oft-times running dialogue going on in my head regarding
all of the emails and things that I saw last summer... and things like the time Silda Spitzer stood there and I said to
Sam, "Oh, she had to know..."
right.
and there I was, just as blind and clueless as she was.
Why did he do it? Why didn't he try to be a good husband to me?
How could he do such a hateful, soul-sucking thing to me?
I wish he weren't here. I wish that he would just dry up and blow away.
but then when I'm all alone.
I feel more angry than ever.
He was the man I was going to grow old with.
I was all set.
and now, I'm not all set and I don't like it.
I wrote quite a while ago about a neighbor dying suddenly. I ran into her sister the other day and asked what had happened. She said that she had cancer. She refused to go the doctor, but when she finally did it was so advanced that she only had days to live. Her sister then told me that she had been depressed.
I gave her a knowing understanding and indicated my own struggles. And then she told me this, about her husband.
"anyone would be depressed married to him."
oh dear.
I love the new look here (I read your last post from my phone, so I didn't see it if it was like this back then).
ReplyDeleteI know that angry feeling...the feeling of wanting him gone, but then the knowing feeling that you'd just be angry in a different way with him gone.
I don't know what else to say. Keep your head up? That sounds trite. Just keep going...that's what I do.
Hi Kelly! How are you? Thank you so much for reaching out! Yes, you are so right. He did move out for 3 months between dec. and early march and YES, I was possibly even more upset because at first I felt like i had had a leg amputated. And then, I felt so angry because I felt like I HAD to make him leave.
ReplyDeleteIts a pride thing. God bless all of those women out there who can stay married to someone who could do this to them. I can't. The computer is what traumatizes me the most. And last night, it all came to an ugly head when I found a new "box" (i had to reboot the mother ship after a thunderstorm) and then another one and there were 18, count em eighteen wires coming out of these boxes going God knows where. Okay, counting wires, there's the mother ship, the boys' computer, the phone, the printer, the wireless, the company phone, my computer...That's seven wires and the other eleven are for him??? The problem is that once a man lies to me and he was extremely CONvincing... then how do I know when I am being told the truth and when I am not? That is why he has to go. (its not an easy fix, but it will happen and if for no other reason than he has never even tried to win my favor back.)
But still, I'm sad and terrified of the future. The saddest part? My h and I were always immensely COMPATIBLE.
He wanted to have fun and fantasy. Why he could've had that with me. But, then what? He'd have to CONspire to fuck around on his wife with his wife?
what fun is that?
husbands suck.
But, I am going to prevail. I had a little setback, that's all. A little volcanic eruption, I am going to make a new life for myself and its going to be good. You see, if I stayed, I know that it won't be good.
At least going off on my own, I have a fighting chance for a better more fulfilling, joyous life!
I'm not on Blogger every day - so I missed this post, Lex.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to see that your business is doing well. Hopefully it will get you to the point to where you can walk away and not look back. That is my sincere hope for you.
it's true. you can't be happy where you can not thrive.
ReplyDeletenice to hear from you again...I've missed your sassy self!