treeless, but full of peaches

So, this afternoon, Christian, who's still home from college, volunteered to take down the tree for me. What a sweet young man and I have to tell you, that a couple years ago, THAT never would've happened. nope. no way. But, he's 21.5 now and coming along quite nicely, most of the time. ;)

I don't know how you real Christians feel when you take your trees down. But, I feel like something is now missing and an aching emptiness. It looks bare where the tree had been, but I haven't put back the furniture, the way it was. Well, its really just a little table, between the two chairs that Peaches has ripped to shreds.

For those of you who don't know who Peaches is... He is our 13 yr and 8 month year old kitty who nearly died on his last birthday, (or what we believe was around his birthday), 8 months ago. He had a bowel obstruction and nearly died from that and then, nearly died from the surgery. But, he somehow pulled through (great vet, saved his life!) and every night, I deftly shoot a dropper full of this oily medicine straight into his mouth. It took a number of weeks to get the routine down...In the beginning, you should've seen us. Sam would wrap Peaches up in towel, while he held him down-- with all of his might and I administered the medicine... and now, Peaches just lays there, and waits for me to do it. I don't think he really likes it that much, but he doesn't hate it either. And every night, I give him a treat afterward. Maybe that's why he doesn't mind as much, now.

With everything that's gone down, since August 2 when I found out the truth about my now estranged husband Sam, that he's an internet sexual predator, I don't know what I would've done without my beloved Peaches. I know they don't believe me at the vet, because AT THE VET, Peaches goes from being a 13.3 lb champagne-furred fat faced love bucket, into a ferocious 700 lb. man-eating-Tiger, who just had his balls chopped off!  However, at home, Peaches is nothing but the sweetest most  loving and devoted being, that anyone could ever hope for.

He would never ever even THINK of cheating on me. He is fiercely loyal and endlessly loving and its not something that he can't sustain... its something that

HE CAN'T CONTAIN!!!!!!!!!

and he never even promised me anything, either. He just walked in and made himself at home and over time, came to adore me and me him... and it wasn't anything either of us said or did... it just is... why o why could my husband who DID promise to love and cherish me, who had so much integrity. (I thought), not do the same?

how many times will I ask myself the SAME question?

I never get an answer. That is, an answer that makes any sense. Henceforth, comes the need to keep asking the question. Even though, I try to tell myself to just accept it now. This is what happened. You didn't really know your husband as well as you thought you did, Lexie. You misjudged him.

But fuck it all...

SO DID EVERYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!!

including himself. :(

Peaches knows that something has changed.

How do I know?

Well, Peaches, himself, has changed. He is very, very often absolutely velcroed onto my lap and then... he melts into it... Its the most amazing feeling. Its just warm, gooey,melting, softness, usually purring, but sometimes, he just falls asleep. (sometimes, my leg falls asleep too.)

I'm so grateful that Christian's home right now. I feel this incredible pang of loneliness and emptiness and well...

LOSS.

The tree was still surprisingly fresh when Christian took it away. Oh, I so hated to see it go! But, my cleaning lady who comes once a fortnight (oh, how English, but I like it!), is coming tomorrow and she will vacuum up all the needles, and if I had waited another week, it would've been just that much more messy, and I would've had to vacuum them up. And it had been a full four weeks, so down it came.

today.

I kissed it goodbye and Christian carried it out the front door.

He threw it deeply into the woods, nearby, so that it would go back into the earth from which it came.