la forza del destino

The force of Destiny---

I went to the meeting tonight in Manhattan that was just 5 blocks away, on the same street as predator currently lives on. In a city the size of NY, this is akin to living right smack dab next door. I went the exact same route and got off at the exact same exit off of the west side hwy... Alright, there aren't that many exits until 56th St.

Earlier in the day-- Christian put on some music...

"Its Verdi, Mom--- Its called --- La Forza del Destino--- The Force of Destiny," said my son the jazz musician. But never mind, he loves classical music just as insanely and if he had the wherewithal to actually PRACTICE, he could make a living doing that too!

Here it is... for you to listen to while you're reading

Speaking of making a living.
 
A bit later, Christian very sheepishly aksed me if perhaps when he's finished with his 48k a year conservatory education in May of 2012(don't worry, scholarship and loans covers 2/3 of that), that he would like to LIVE AT HOME AND TEACH KARATE.

Yes, that is what he said.

I said.

"no."

What I really meant to say is "NO FUCKING WAY YOU ARROGANT, LAZY LITTLE SHIT!!!!!!!!!!"

But I used enormous restraint (or is it constraint)? Anyway, I just said , no.

And then I got the "WHY?"

I'm not going to answer that right here... because the answer is obvious. Okay, right... I AM going to answer this right here. You go to college to PLAY MUSIC FOR A LIVING and that is what you're gonna fuckin do. 

capascie???

Teach karate???

never mind.

Then, I went to my psychiatrist and he gave me the script for my aderall... I know... Adults aren't supposed to take it because its supposedly "addictive", but I've been taking a tiny dose for years because it really helps me and I never take more than I'm supposed to. I don't have an addictive personality except to predator.

So, I was thinking about the Force of Destiny as I was driving into Manhattan as if I was going to see Predator, but of course, i had to keep reminding myself that I was not going in to see predator and I would never be seeing him again, but that didn't stop me from feeling excited, as I did two years ago... even though I was going in for a meeting that I belonged at because of the... "force of destiny?" well, hell yeah!!! I figured i had driven in at least 15 times in 2008-2009 and sometimes, I just picked him up... but as I got closer to his apartment, I started feeling rather anxious... I didn't see any parking available in my usual area, (only one block from his building) so I turned right on Central Park West and took the next right turn which was 97th St. and went down about a block and a half... past Wholey Cow Foods (or as my beautiful friend, Jez calls it "whole paycheck" LOL) and found street parking!!! Bravissimo, Lexie

Then, I walked back towards CPW and I had to keep reminding myself that this is where I was supposed to be... this is where I'm supposed to be...

The mantra of that calmed me as I then passed the subway entrance on 96th St. While this would've been Pred's and Dee's subway stop, the chances of actually seeing either one of them at that specific moment in time, was still very remote, but since it existed and because I live in a total sync world, it would've been very likely that I would see them...

But, I didn't.


That God, really knows what he's doing.

I went to the building which was a beautiful prewar, classic 1920s or so building and went to the 16th floor, and wow!!! BIG apartment with a Gorgeeeeeeeeous view of the park and over to the east side of Manhattan... breathtaking, actually... The meeting was conducted by a lawyer and was quite interesting. I got corroborated some things I already knew and did learn some new stuff too and also met some of Aaron's classmate's parents. cool. 

I remember the first time about 21 years ago... that I sat in a circle of parents. Back then... it was to learn about Lamaze... Ya know the breathing exercises that the mother does to calm the father down as she is giving birth? ;))  But, then I realized that this was just the beginning of sitting in circles of parents trying their darndest to figure out how to care for their babies/toddlers/preschoolers/kindergartners........ and in some cases AD/HD freaks (As Christian calls himself) and other neurological abnormalities... Or as the lawyer said...


"Is there anyone here, who wanted to have a special needs child, just so they could get into a private boarding school?"

Oh... how old and tired we have become, just trying to frickin care for our children, and God help us if it isn't bad enough being given a child who is "different"... the fucking state of New York has seen to it that we must eat even more shit in the process of getting them their needs taken care of. I will never ever get that one. Maybe one day, one of those cock sucking bureaucrats will have a retarded kid like one of ours... and then... maybe then... (maybe), they'll begin to get it.

Apparently, they have this meeting every month in the same apartment. Then, I found out some other interesting things. The apartment belongs to two (rich) gay guys who have a son at Ourlasthopeinhell...(some parents had kids at other Connecticut schools)-- So, I guess they have a leg up on different. Adoptive parents don't always know that their kids have issues until they've already bonded and my point is... Remember that boy who clobbered Adam in the eye about a month or so, ago??? 

Uh huh... it was THE son of the two gay guys who's apartment I was standing in!!! Too funny, but they are helluva nice guys and were very grateful that I was so "nice" about the incident.

Clearly, they don't know me very well...yet.  hehehehe!!!

I told them, that I was all too happy for Adam to get some sense knocked into him! :))  BTW, the boy did apologize to Adam after they returned from the break and now they're friends again.

When I left, there was another father who was in the elevator with me and walked me down the street for a bit... He wasn't very dashing, but he was nice enough and it gave me comfort to not be alone. It was the being alone that was the problem. 

In the movie "fatal attraction", I just kept wanting Glenn Close to get out and meet someone new... ya know? It was the being alone that fueled her crazy, i think.

My fear was that predator would see me and immediately assume that i was there to stalk him and create a huge scene... but then... something came to me...

He has a new job... The apartment looks great now and he's selling it...

Maybe, just maybe... the changes in his life are movement for the better-- the healthier... I truly felt that it was so... and I was glad.

It felt good to release some of that hatred and I'm not saying that it won't ever come back...

but the force of destiny and the power that it carries cannot be denied... It was good to go "back" to the scene of the crime, but this time, for a really healthy and good reason. Maybe that's what was needed. I don't know.

It all does feel at times, like part of one master plan-- a complex tapestry that can only be seen in its entirety-- from heaven.